Breaking up is certainly not something one should look forward to, but it does give the dumper the chance to flex his or her creative muscle in order formulate an airtight and plausible case that will not cause the dumpee to exercise his or her nasolacrimal ducts excessively.
In other words, the dumper doesn’t want to make the dumpee cry because that shit is awkward. When the ole’ let-things-peter-out-by-ignoring-her(him)-most-of-the-time strategy fails, the dumper might actually have to nut up and send a trusty email (text message—also good) informing her that they shall no longer be seeing much of each other. Or worse yet, in longer relationships, he might actually have to pick up the phone or even…gasp… go to her house. And when he gets there, this is the type of shit he might say:
The Confusion
One of the most common ways of avoiding a sobbing/snot-filled scene of the recently broken-hearted is by confusion. In this case, confusion is an antonym of ‘the truth’. The use of confusion tactics allows the dumper to get away without necessarily making the dumpee feel like caterpillar poo. Let’s take a look at a few confusion tactics (from a male’s point of view).
“I think we should see other people.” Translation: I think I should see other people while you continue to fester in a post-breakup funk and are decidedly NOT seeing other people. I want you on my back burner, so if it turns out that I’m not quite as cool as I thought I was, you will be there to re-inflate my ego and re-slob my knob.
How inappropriate.
“I am not ready for a relationship.” Translation: I am not ready for a relationship…with you. If you were more hot, less overweight, didn’t have that mustache, or owned a hot tub, Jet Ski, or a more expansive collection of digital video discs, I might consider it.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” Translation: It is definitely you. For more information, see Seinfeld episode number 70 of season 5; The Lip Reader.
“I don’t have time for a relationship right now.” Translation: I don’t have time for all that relationshippy bullshit that I hate doing. Here is a list of things I don’t have time for: dates, dinners, cuddling, speaking on the telephone, anything to do with your parents, walking/talking to/hearing about your fucking dog. Here is a list of things I do have time for: blowjobs, movies, videogames, intercourse, drinking, you bringing me Burger King at 2 AM.
“I think we should just be friends.” Translation: you’ve packed a few pounds onto your backside and I don’t think your frame handles the extra weight that well. I find you physically revolting and while I don’t really want to be your friend either (I try not to be friends with fatties), I figure it is better for my rep than dating you.
“You deserve much better than someone like me.” Translation: I have done something so heinous that I deserve a one-way ticket on Southwest Airlines straight to hell. The flight will be crowded and bumpy and they will serve me warm, ice-less, Pepsi-cola and I won’t be able to recline my seat. When I get to my destination, it will be all white and there will be some big-ass pearly gates. I will walk on fluffy white clouds and Jesus will be there. But just as I get to the front of the line, he will say ‘psych!’ and pull a lever, opening a trapdoor beneath me that will plummet me to the depths of eternal damnation.
So you should go ahead and move on to someone else.
“I need to take some time to find myself.” Translation: Remember that time when I specifically told you that I was going to take an evening to play cards with my friends? And then you showed up anyway, makeup-less and in sweat pants to hover over my shoulder like a homely pterodactyl? And then you kept saying, “this game looks stupid”? Remember that? Do you? Well that was fucking infuriating. So now you have two-folded my reasons for dumping you. Not only are you a chronic clinger, but if I don’t get rid of you my friends won’t let me play cards anymore.
“I love you, I’m just not in love with you.” Translation: I don’t know what love is, but this sure as cock isn’t it.
“I think we should take a break.” Translation: I have a female prospect that is driving hard to the hoop and I need to take some time off so that I can bang her without fear of my conscience barring the way to her ladyparts.
Blatant Lies
When confusion doesn’t seem to capture the essence of a breakup, a straight-up, flat-out lie might be more in order. The possibilities for lies are infinite, and the dumper has free reign to make up the most asinine shit that he things he can get away with, but here might be an example:
“I have AIDS.” (There does not exist a circumstance for which this would not work)
Or
“I am a homosexual.” Translation: I wish I were gay so I wouldn’t have to deal with the female genetic predisposition to crazy.
Or
“I am an AIDS-ridden homosexual.” All that homo love caused me to get one of those pesky STDs, and it won’t wash off.
Or
“I have bad news. The federal government just outlawed premarital relationships. So it looks like we are going to have to stop seeing each other.” Translation: You are really really stupid—like scientologist-stupid. And I am going to insult this low intelligence with a lie that is a governmental impossibility.
The Truth
While usually not your best bet, sometimes the truth can be a helpful tool in terminating a relationship. However, it must be cautioned that this tool, we will call it the ‘truth backhoe’, will do a lot more damage than your standard ‘lie shovel’. Here are some of the more common non-lie breakup lines:
“I don’t love you.” Ouch.
“I am moving to Hawaii.” Translation: I am moving to Hawaii. You are that terrible.
“I don’t find you attractive.” Translation: I don’t find you attractive. Which means that you are not attractive. Which means that you are ugly. You are ugly.
“I have met someone else” and she is willing to do that thing that you wouldn’t do.
“I cannot fucking stand you. Every morning that I wake up next to you is a morning that depletes my self-respect and brings me that much closer to taking a skydiving trip through a helicopter field.” Translation: I cannot fucking stand you. Every morning that I wake up next to you is a morning that depletes my self-respect and brings me that much closer to taking a skydiving trip through a helicopter field.
*I apologize for the male slant to this piece. This slant exists because I am, in fact, male. I am sure there are some wicked breakup lines from a female perspective, but I am not privy to them.
Once dumped a girl for the reason that she was moving out of town, just before her birthday and Christmas. If I didn’t break up with her I was going to have to buy 3 gifts in 2 weeks and there was no way she was worth that. So of course, I told her “it’s not you it’s me”.
She showed up at my family home two days later at 3 a.m. My mom answered the door. She announced to my mom she was on ’shrooms and said she wanted to see me to work things out.
The lesson: go out of town for university so that you don’t end up living with your parents in undergrad.
Probably didn’t need to use my full and real name for that comment did I?
“University” gets me every time. I’m an easy mark.
Truth Backhoe example: “I’m moving from Tennessee to New York and I don’t want you to come!” Translation: “I’m moving from Tennessee to New York and I don’t want you to come!”
sorry Matt, I had to steal your style for this one.
this was both awesome and 100% accurate. nicely done.
Used the let’s be friends line on the advice of a friend. Not a fatty, had to say it, a girl during my mid 20s and it seemed to warrant a proper break up so I did it on the phone. At this point in my life, I was accustomed to just not calling anymore as the break up so I solicited the advice of said friend Aaron. He said just tell her you should be friends. I liked that play. Sounded nice, easy, and did not make me sound like a dick. Then she asked, “what does that mean, friends?” Being not at all prepared for such a question I mumbled, “Aaron didn’t tell me that.” In hindsight, the best response would have been, “with benefits.”
Truth: I’m consulting this piece as I consider the necessity of my own break-up.
Thanks, Matt.
For the record, I went with a variation of The Confusion. I executed it pretty well, and if need be, I think I left open a window for knob-reslobbing.