I don’t write. Well I do. But I don’t. (Already you can see that I exist in complex layers that are impossible to unpeel.) I actually write upwards of 2,000-3,000 words a day which, to me, sounds like a lot. The problem is, I don’t write write. I arrange words in what we in the know call “broadcast style.”
I know. I’m ashamed. So as I delve into a rant about a lying football player and the lying organization of liars who lie a lot, know that I’m just writing like I talk. I’m a television sports anchor (which automatically makes me beautiful despite the indications of whatever picture might eventually appear on this website) and I’m formally trained to write words for a TelePrompTer. It’s a skill that involves the always tricky subject-verb-object pattern. A concept grasped quite well by…second-graders. But apparently I needed four semesters of classes for it at the University of Kansas to become versed.
Thus, I love this forum, because I get to use a little grammatical concept known as the adjective. And here I go. The NCAA is moody, vindictive, hypocritical, corrupt, whimsical, tyrannical, greedy, unholy and all-together douchebaggish. And we’re off.
Now, this is nothing new. I’m not exactly discovering the 10th planet here. (Or would it be the 9th? Have we ruled definitively on Pluto yet?). In fact, even the epically wrong and heroically misinformed Oklahoma linebacker Brian Bosworth once famously wore a National Communists Against Athletes (NCAA) t-shirt. He also shaved lightning bolts into his head. He also made the movie Stone Cold. He also is seven of those nine adjectives from above. So I understand your reluctance to choose a side.
I won’t understand any reluctance after this article, though. Because the latest injustice committed by college sports governing body is perhaps its greatest. And, yes, it just so happens to involve my favorite school—Oklahoma State University (No, not the University of Kansas. See, I told you…layers.)—and my favorite player from said school—wide receiver Dez Bryant. But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.
Long story short (and, Christ, it took me six paragraphs to get to the topic so I’m sure you can see where this is going) – Dez Bryant hung out with Deion Sanders (never a good idea) this offseason. To make things simple, Dez Bryant is the best amateur wide receiver on the planet. Deion Sanders is a tool shed. Anyway, they went to a workout facility together. And they ate dinner at Sanders house. The NCAA caught wind of this encounter and peppered Bryant with questions about it. Dez denied meeting up with Deion. Three times. Then Dez caved and admitted it. The NCAA then ruled him ineligible for the remainder of the 2009 season and for half of the 2010 season.
Here’s the kicker: none of it was a violation.
Jogging with Deion?
Perfectly fine.
Going to dinner at Sanders’ house?
Not a violation.
Actually referring to him as “Primetime” should get you 3-5 years in prison but apparently that’s alright, too.
No, Bryant’s college career was essentially ended for telling a lie. He’s a junior and was likely trading in the senior textbooks for a salary with two commas anyway…but now he’s definitely out the door. He, of course, violated the well-known NCAA bylaw 10.1 d. In case you don’t have it memorized…
(d) Knowingly furnishing the NCAA or the individual’s institution false or misleading informations concerning the individual’s involvement in or knowledge of matters relevant to a possible violation of a NCAA regulation.
The NCAA initially questioned Bryant because of Sanders ties to NFL agent Eugene Parker. Contact with an agent is a huge no-no in college athletics. Why? Good question–one that is perhaps best answered in another column. Turns out, no violations occurred. No agent was present. No person even named Eugene was there.
All that was there was a lie…about a non-violation.
Lots of ways to attack this one. Let’s start here. WTF?!
Don’t get me wrong, lying shouldn’t be condoned and will often be met with some sort of punishment from a governing body, boss, parent, judge, Higher Power,…woman. Bryant later admitted he was scared to death that the contact was a violation and that he regrettably lied to NCAA investigators thinking he could get out of trouble. (By the way, referring to the NCAA’s bumbling buffoons as “investigators” is an insult to all real investigators everywhere…like David Caruso.) He would later say that the “investigators” made him think he did something wrong. Hmm, sounds like that whole “misleading information” thing was a two-way street.
Done for the year, though? For a lie? This is like doing time for speeding.
No wait, this is like getting arrested for telling the cop you were going 35 when you really were going 45 and the speed limit is…55.
Really? Punishment? Crime? Fitting? Logic? A Heart? None? No?
Ok.
It was also a victimless “crime.” (By the way, referring to it as a crime is an insult to real criminals everywhere…like the Shamwow guy.) No one was hurt. No ‘integrity’ was threatened. Which reminds me, I love how the NCAA throws around the word ‘integrity’ ad nauseum yet every December I sit down to the Meineke Car Care Bowl.
In the end, the NCAA was miffed at some cocky young football player who was trying to weasel his way out of trouble.
But the biggest thing here is the blatant hypocrisy that exists with the NCAA. All indications are that former USC running back Reggie Bush and his family accepted upwards of $300,000 in financial benefits. And USC hasn’t even been docked a tube of Ben-Gay. Brandon Spikes, a linebacker at Florida was caught this year on several expensive HD cameras attempting to literally gouge out a ball-carrier’s eyes underneath the pile. A running back at Oregon, LeGarrette Blount, cold-cocked an opposing player after a game.
They’ll both be suiting up this weekend. Blount was initially suspended for the year. Then Oregon got good and, coincidentally, Blount was reinstated. Spikes was suspended…for one half…of one game. I guess ole Dez should’ve gone MMA on some dudes, instead of committing a sin of which many of us are guilty on a daily basis. Then maybe he’d still be in uniform.
But, Mick, you ask. Maybe lying is a core value the NCAA holds sacred? Like baseball shuns gamblers. Like the NBA cracks down on dress code violators. Like the NFL polices…fun. First of all, thanks for knowing my name already. Secondly, that would be a valid point if there wasn’t precedence here. But there is. And your point sucks.
Just this year, in fact, a linebacker at Alabama named Jerrell Harris accepted a laptop from a businessman. That is a violation. Harris lied to “investigators” about it. He then fessed up, much like Dez. He got suspended for…6 games. Six! Seis! First of all, that’s overkill as well. But six games for lying about a violation. And a year-and-a-half for lying about a non-violation?
Unfortunately, the NCAA doesn’t care. They don’t offer explanations to anybody. They don’t talk to the media. They just sit back in hiding and only appear every so once in a while to ruin people’s lives. Kind of like Kevin Costner.
There are no checks and balances. Just the checks they cash and the balances they maintain. (Rim-shot!) The NCAA is accountable to no one but hated by everyone. Which is why it was needless for me send a Maker’s Mark fueled manifesto to them upon hearing of Dez’s fate. (And, no, this column is not that manifesto) They’ve no doubt received tens of thousands of them just like it. But it made me feel better. I got to use adjectives.
The good news is that Oklahoma State is still 9-2 on the season. I know you’re all taking a collective sigh of relief. And Dez Bryant is a mere six months away from becoming a multi-millionaire.
Let’s pray Bryant purchases the logical things with all that money: two Aston Martins, three Maybachs, four houses, college tuition for cousins 5-9 times removed, a midget butler, a recording studio for his CD label and, oh yeah, a lawyer to sue the initials off NCAA. Which, thankfully, is becoming the trend these days. Sports is huge business. And if kids miss games, draft stocks drop, signing bonuses decrease, and a salary isn’t what it could’ve been. They may be in college now but they’ll soon be out and looking to recoup losses. And they’re doing it. Case in point, the story of Oklahoma State (shocker!) pitcher Andy Oliver, the details of which I will not bore you.
Because right now there’s nothing Bryant can do but sit back and take his punishment. But, dammit, he’s about to join the litigious real world where it’s your God-given right to suck anybody dry. And here’s hoping the NCAA gets crushed by the monster it created.
I’m gonna go watch Stone Cold.
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heres what really happened: extreme coke use renders the user clairvoyant (surprised you didnt know that) so deion called young dez over to his house for some counseling. you see, neon knew that dez was going to blow out his MCL in the upcoming season, so he advised dez to lie to investigators (deion also has a firm grip on NCAA regulations) so that he could get out of playing the entire season, and avoid blowing out his MCL and the non-draft repercussions that would follow. additionally, since dez didnt really do anything wrong, he could still be accepted into the gates of heaven.
think about it, it all makes sense.
Matt, congratulations, you’re my first reader. It’s kind of like a prostitute’s first client being Steve Buscemi. But, still, I am not overlooking the magnitude of this.
Ha, loved this column. I’m sure Paul Shirley can relate to this with all the royalty treatment, loose women and handouts that alumni were throwing at him during his stint in Ames in hopes of preventing him from signing early with UNICS Kazan.
Luke – It was like walking through a minefield.
Matt – good thinking.
Nice piece and outstanding adjective usage! Let me add a couple more — soulless and hypocritical — to describe the NCAA and their selective enforcement of rules. Dez Bryant’s biggest sin is that he doesn’t play for a “big” enough program like Alabama, USC or Florida. If he played for one of the NCAA’s cash cows, everything would have been swept under the rug and he’d still be on the field.
Damn, I missed soulless. Good call. OSU’s nowhere near a big boy, but I had hoped donor T. Boone Pickens (who has more money than a few continents) would’ve wielded his power on this issue.
The blatant (insert adjective here) of the NCAA is what gets me. In no way do they attempt to hide their biases.