My brother Paul and I, on our second attempt to see the three-dimensional version of Avatar (the first ended in a blown left-rear tire and a ride home from joke-telling, truck-towing, cell-phone-hating racist), heard a disturbing radio commercial. The commercial was for a diamond company and it urged prospective grooms, frustrated by their inadequacies at picking out engagement rings, to come to their store for all of their diamond-related needs. The commercial promised prompt and helpful service, a great variety of rings and gems, and most importantly, assistance in picking out that perfect ring for that special someone. This commercial made me very sad.
Let me be clear that my feelings weren’t a reflection on my views towards the institution of marriage. Nor were they a manifestation of trepidation about my own engagement, whenever that might occur. I was sad because I realized, while listening to that voice-over, that engagement rings are a stupid tradition.
A cursory examination of the history of the tradition of engagement rings doesn’t reveal much. Rings were exchanged in olden times, and still today I suppose, as symbols of unity and loyalty to one’s partner. What started as a ring of betrothal became a simple engagement band, which eventually became a ring encrusted in diamonds.
Today, I’d have to assume that giving a girl anything less than a diamond ring for the engagement would be met with nothing less than a fake smile and a dick punch. Girls expect rings and they expect diamonds on those rings. That’s the way things work. But why diamonds?
Answer: Because DeBeers said so.
Through the “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend” ad campaign, DeBeers transformed the engagement ring from a band of iron or silver or woven sapling to a sparkly, diamond-studded, ‘we aren’t eating for two months’, drain on the pocketbook. And suddenly, a new custom is born.
Tradition my ass.
Furthermore, in our current age of feminism, equal rights and privileges between sexes, and Hilary Clinton, it seems perfectly acceptable to ask the following question: Why the hell does she get the ring? And as a selfish person I can ask another: What the hell do I get out of this? Historically, it seems likely that the ring was some sort of pledge to the bride-to-be’s family—a dowry of sorts. Or maybe the groom gave the bride the ring so that she would finally have sex with him. Sexbribe! But nowadays, these reasons don’t fly—dowries have gone the way of the Diplodocus and only rarely do girls dabble in the sex for rings trade. The only logical explanation I can come up with to give her a ring is: because I’m a male, and males get screwed.
Another irksome fact about the engagement ring tradition is this: it’s the only gift a man has to give that requires zero thought of any kind. Time to get engaged? Time to go diamond-shopping, homeboy. Why not an engagement car? Or an engagement trip to Barbados? Or an engagement facelift? If it’s the thought that counts, then engagement rings are shitty gifts. Basically there is no personalization—the marketing and the ritualized comsumership (made that word up) saps the custom of any true sentiment. The man goes to the diamond store, picks out a ring based on his interpretations of her jewelry style (read: guesswork), and buys it. It has all the sentimental value of a gift card, without giving the recipient the flexibility of picking something that she’d actually want. It’s a gift certificate to Jiffy Lube. And yet because he spends five to ten to fifteen thousand dollars on it, suddenly he’s a goddamn hero. What kind of message does that send, ladies?
Finally, and most importantly, the tradition of giving a diamond engagement ring means nothing to me. To me, traditions only hold significance when I can attach some sort of positive feeling or memory to them. For example, my family has always had shrimp for Christmas dinner. This is an important tradition to me because it brings back all of the good Christmas memories of my youth (and post-youth). The tradition of engagement rings holds no such significance. In fact, the only significance this ‘cultural tradition’ holds to me has been beamed into my brain via television programs and moving picture shows. I have never taken part in any sort of engagement ritual or even witnessed one for that matter. I wasn’t around to see my grandparents or my parents or my friends get engaged, so why would I consider this act a tradition at all?
A more telling example might be the 4th of July. Traditionally, the holiday is a celebration of America’s declaration of independence from Great Britain. But how is that significant to me? I wasn’t around to experience Great Britain’s suppression of freedom, or the joy that was brought about by our independence from it. In fact, it’s hard for me to even see Britain as an enemy since today, they are one of our closest friends and allies. However, unlike the engagement ring tradition, the 4th of July still holds some significance. But it’s a significance that’s incongruous with the intent of the original celebration. I like to celebrate the 4th of July because I like fireworks, I like summer, and I like all of the memories that I hold dear from Independence Days past. I’m afraid shitty movies and cliché television plots aren’t enough to summon similar feelings and memories for the tradition of engagement rings, and in fact, they go so far as to make me want to NOT carry on such a insignificant and shallow tradition.
The obvious counterargument is this: Matt, it may not mean anything to you but it will probably mean something to the unlucky girl you eventually want to marry; don’t you want to make her happy? This is probably true; the girl I will want to marry will probably want a diamond ring. But should she? Does she really have attachment to this ‘tradition?’ Probably not.
But in the end, I will undoubtedly become a hypocrite, and succumb to our culture’s tradition—a culture of shallowness and non-thought—and buy an engagement ring with a diamond on top. Not because I think it’s right. And not because I think it’s really what she should want. But because I don’t really want to explain, ten thousand times over, why my fiancée has an engagement beagle instead of an engagement ring. I guess THAT is how stupid traditions get passed on.
Arrrghhh. This is an argument I keep having with English speaking friends. I keep saying that the 10 grant he’s spending on me is 10 grant that can’t be spent on “us” for a trip to Fiji or whatever. Can’t wrap my finger around the idea, at all.
In Quebec, us French girls grew up without ads for hefty engagement rings. We never staged them when toying around with barbie & Ken. People get engaged, and married (not always – roughly 45% of “life partners” are), but the 2 months salary ring requirement isn’t there. For engagements, guys buy a nice, but very affordable ring. Given Sex & the City’s growing popularity around here however, I don’t know how long that will last.
Interestingly enough, the tradition of expensive engagement rings came about when U.S. courts stopped hearing “breach of promise” law suits. These were filed by women when men would propose marriage, sleep with the woman, then abandon them. At the time, the idea was that since they had been “deflowered” they were much less desirable candidates for marriage to other men. Hence, the lawsuit. How delightfully American.
Anyway, once the courts stopped hearing the lawsuits, the practice of expensive engagement rings became a way for the woman to ensure the guy was serious and discourage him from running off, while at the same time providing her an immediate means of compensation if he does.
By the way, the above knowledge was courtesy of a post I read on the Freakonomics Blog some time ago.
my engagement ring had a ruby and my wedding band will have a really cool topaz. i actually don’t like diamonds… but i’m sure i’m a total minority. i would rather have a totally unique ring that suits who i am than have something because it is expected. i also won’t live in a “cookie cutter” housing development. i guess i’m just non-traditional. that and i hate wasting money on stupid things.
Interesting point. I still think some exchange of jewelry between the couple is nice (and yes, that means the other party needs to get the proposing party something as well), but there’s no need for it to be about diamonds, or even rings. (Way back in the day it was often a bracelet or brooch or something like that.) Especially not after seeing Blood Diamond. Any self-respecting woman should look her fiance in the face and tell him to take that sucker back. As for the ring being about compensation in the face of the end of the relationship, well. I returned the ring my fiance gave me to him, but he neglected to return the ring I gave him to me. What is that all about?
Um…basically, I agree.
I’m a girl and I don’t care about rings or diamonds. Weird?
It only gets worse.
http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/weddings/2009/11/12/2009-11-12_mangagement_ring_trend_means_its_the_ladies_turn_to_put_a_ring_on_it.html
I want one though, in case i get deflowered and she runs off with another man.
@TG- i actually proposed to my guy and bought him a man-gagement ring. it’s been replaced once since it broke, and he also picked out his wedding ring. aside from my engagement ring that he purchased, and certainly didn’t spend 2 months salary on cuz i’d have been super pissed, i’ve bought the rest: wedding bands and both his man-gagement rings.
does that make me a modern woman? or just think the rules are dumb? probably a little of both.
TG – When I did my research I noticed some info on man-gagement rings but I think that would’ve made this article about twice as long so I decided not to include it. It seems though that a mangagement ring wouldn’t exactly be an equivalent, since guys, you know, don’t like jewelry.
Tradition – Meanion = Stupid
@Becca If a ring is what you want … do it. Do whatever makes you happy. If buying your guy a ring makes you happy then I have no issues with it at all, and even if i did, it shouldn’t bother you. Yes, some would probably consider you a modern woman. If said in jest, they are intimidated. If said with hope, they are envious.
@Matt btw, love these posts, very good reads to break up my day. Yeah, I would actually tell women to stray away from ever putting a ring on a man’s finger. It’s just a sign that says, hey look! A guy that can actually commit. And like piranhas’ the girls will tempt the poor bastard and try to take what they supposedly can’t have.
I proposed to my fiance with her grandmothers ring, cost of changing the size: roughly $400. While you do bring up some valid points I do believe the vast majority of women out there are not shallow enough to demand a ring worth thousands.
I didn’t mean to sound cheap with the previous post, I would have gladly spend way more on the ring for her and actually wrestled with the decision for quite some time. In the end though, I knew it meant more to her to have something like that.
Amusing article. I agree with the ridiculousness of spending two month worth of food/a good vacation on a silly stone, however DeBeers has done its work: I will expect some sort of sparkly ring/jewelry when I get engaged. And fireworks. And shrimp. I’m not sure whether that’s becuase I am unwilling to break with tradition, or because I–like ostriches, magpies, and other simple minded creatures–have a love of shiny objects (though I wouldn’t accept tinfoil or bits of broken mirror, I don’t need a $10k rock either).
Also. Tirade:
Man-gagement rings? 1) When people go off about gender equality in such ridiculous ways, it makes me want to rip out their sexual organs with a spatula. 2) By the time you’re getting engaged, one would hope you’ve got enough trust in each other to not need to “mark your territory”. Also, that phrase brings to mind dogs peeing on fire hydrants more than giving someone expensive jewelry. In that vein of thought, peeing on you boyfriend would probably be a much better way of dissuading other women at a bar from hitting on him than giving him a ring. Then again as soon as he utters the words “man-gagement ring” I think you won’t have much to worry about either; “douchbag” or “what a woman” or “where’s my spatula?” would all jostle for first thought to pop into my head. 3) Why must we replace the first syllable of so many words with ‘man’ in order to try to butch them up? Does the fact that you’re a man change that its an engagement ring? Not anymore than calling it a “man-kini wax” changes the fact that you’ve just stripped all the hair from your nether regions. You’ve still had your metaphorical ball ripped off along with your pubic hair by the emasculating trends of pop culture.
Erin – Huge Brav-Oh for the tirade.
My ring was so small and inexpensive that one needed a magnifier to see the diamond! I preferred having a nice fishing rod… I have been married for 28 years and the ring is somewhere in my jewelry box but I know where my fishing rod is, believe me…
As for my husband, he loves his football championship ring, knows where it is, but I doubt that he knows where the wedding band is!
yes erin, awesome tirade.
I am a woman and I think engagement rings are stupid. THey are nothing more than a status symbol to show off to other women and say “hey! I’ve found a man who has the financial means and willingness to spend thousands on me!” I simply don’t play that game. Other than that, engagement rings are pretty useless. Instead, my fiancee and I took a 15k engagement trip to Fiji. What a better way to spend 10k and celebrate our engagement and love!!!
“I will expect some sort of sparkly ring/jewelry when I get engaged.”
I honestly believe that many women are just expecting it not because they actually WANT a sparkly diamond but because of how they are going to be judged by other women for the rest of their lives.
I’ve seen so many catty bitches mock each other and judge their choice in men, and position of status all over the size of a stupid rock. I think in most women’s minds, even if they do not really LIKE the way a diamond ring looks (being an artist I can appreciate the worksmanship and artistry of any jewelery) — the woman is going to want one just so they don’t have to put up with all the behind-the-back gossip, strange looks, and catty comments they will receive every time they walk into a room.
It is much easier to go with the flow than the strike out on your own.
Diamonds cost so much because people were scammed into believing the hype and the falsified supply vs. demand. Not to mention, entire nations have been enslaved for the benefit of 2 wealthy families.
Tree huggers are my favorite… It takes roughly what… 300 tons of earth to unearth one small diamond? So what exactly is the “carbon footprint” of that stupid little rock on your finger while you are out spewing all your global warming bullshit on the masses?
Think about it.
“In that vein of thought, peeing on you boyfriend would probably be a much better way of dissuading other women at a bar from hitting on him than giving him a ring.”
Uh… Every single married man I have known gets hit on much more at the bar post-ring than before they received a ring. That is a fact. Women (typically the gold-digger types you are more than likely going to meet at the bars and clubs) are attracted more to a man who is “proven” than a man who has not proven he made some girl happy somewhere already.
I’m in total agreement with you on this one. Engagement rings are completely unncessary, and I know that most ladies don’t feel the same way as I do on this topic. In fact, nothing irks me more than newly engaged women showing off their rings to the gaggle.
Years ago I warned my then-boyfriend that if he wanted to propose, I would not accept a ring, but rather an engagement iPod (you know, back when they were like $500) or some other practical “token”.
What fun is a ring, anyway?
Good read.
While it would be simply desirable to wear a 10k-15k and UP… It is truly the MAN- THE HUMAN BEING giving you the ring that all in all, COUNTS. Many woman are jaded, and some men too. Tradition is mostly out the window for the money grubbing women anyway- so who cares what she wants. Hell- IF YOU HAVE THE MEANS TO BUY A FANCY SHMANCY RING for your lady- and you (the man) truly feel that deep down in your heart she will treat you like a man whome she ultimatly will RESPECT to The End- THEN hell- buy her that ring, it’s not going to put a damper on your salary. BUT…… If you have to skip meals, and never have the luxury of going on a simple vacation over it- then toss the girl. No one should go broke over a dimond ring. I know a lot of pretty people with very expensive rings- and they are all in unfaitful marriages- You do the math!
Good read.
While it would be simply desirable to wear a 10k-15k and UP… It is truly the MAN- THE HUMAN BEING giving you the ring that all in all, COUNTS. Many woman are jaded, and some men too. Tradition is mostly out the window for the money grubbing women anyway- so who cares what she wants. Hell- IF YOU HAVE THE MEANS TO BUY A FANCY SHMANCY RING for your lady- and you (the man) truly feel that deep down in your heart she will treat you like a man whom she ultimatly will RESPECT to The End- THEN hell- buy her that ring, it’s not going to put a damper on your salary. BUT…… If you have to skip meals, and never have the luxury of going on a simple vacation over it- then toss the girl. No one should go broke over a dimond ring. I know a lot of pretty people with very expensive rings- and they are all in unfaitful marriages- You do the math!
Me and my boyfriend are a very, non-traditional couple. We hate weddings, we hate anything associated with ‘traditional couple stuff’. We think it’s stupid, and we just like to go about our own way. We both thought engagement rings are stupid, and weddings are even more stupid and a big money waster (when you could use that money to buy an apartment, and lotsa food for survival). So no, I didn’t want an engagement ring, and if he ever bought me one, I’d be scolding him until there is no tomorrow – because he wasted money!
However, we do both wear matching rings. It’s just a simple silver ring, and on the inside it has our anniversary date engraved into it. It’s sentimental, and we wear it all the time. It didn’t even cost me more than 40 dollars to buy and engrave them both (yup, the girl bought it! not the guy!).
Case in point; find a partner who has the same views as you. I can’t imagine if my boyfriend was into these traditional stuff, I would have left him for sure.
My fiance and I are an odd mix of traditional and non-traditional.
We couldn’t image going for a diamond ring after researching what a load of smelly hype by DeBears having a diamond is. Plus I would slap him silly if he spend 10k on such a thing! That’s a down-payment on a house or property!!
For awhile we toyed with the idea of not even having an engagement ring, just getting married.
But he wanted to ‘pop the question’ so there had to be a ring. I brought up the idea that we both would have engagement rings… but he thought that when people saw him with a ring they would assume we were already married and we’d have to explain why both had a ring.. ect ect. So we caved.
And so we picked out the stone and ring a few months ago and he surprised me wit the timing of the question. I now have a white gold engagement ring with a ice blue sapphire on it. Because sapphires are prettier than diamonds at the fraction of the mark-up diamonds have.
Personally, I would have been all for going to courthouse and getting married and that’s all. But.. as I said odd mix of traditional and non-traditional. The sole reason I see for us to even get married is in the case of us is badly hurt or dies. Since we are of opposite genders it is just easier to be married in such a case than trying to set up complicated power of attorney just to be able to make medical decisions for each-other. :/
I’m still in favor of elopement as a big wedding can cost as much as the down-payment I mentioned before. But already all my girl friends want to talk wedding planning. They would love for me to participate in ‘the running of the brides’ to pick out a traditional white dress.
Ugh.