Yet another story from the wonderful world of online dating. Enjoy.
On a Saturday afternoon, during my homeward walk from the gym, I decided to make a quick stop at the market for some basic supplies: toilet paper, paper towels, milk, sugary cereal that would undoubtedly give me cavities, vanilla caramel swirl ice cream, and a 20 oz. diet soda. After trudging over a mile through the snow with my bulky bags, I made it back to my apartment building, walked through the lobby, took the elevator upstairs, and dragged my tired ass and my bags to my door. After putting my key into the keyhole…
(ring ring ring)
It was my phone. Since it had been 25º outside that day, I was wearing my heaviest winter coat, an obscenely long yellow knitted scarf, and a pair of black leather gloves. I turned my key to unlock the deadbolt, and then pushed the door open…
(ring ring ring)
(Damn it!)
I dropped my grocery bags, flung my key-chain somewhere, and tried, with gloves on, to feel around for my phone amongst all of the unnecessary crap in my purse.
(ring ring ring)
(AGHH!! Where the fuck is it!?)
I turned my purse upside down and shook it until it was empty, scattering every business card, tube of lipstick, and travel-sized package of tissues all over the floor of my entryway, only to see the phone’s display lighting up from inside the zipper pocket.
(Oopsies)
(ring ring ring)
I unzipped the side pocket, grabbed my phone, and looked at the display (212-555-0281. Who is this?)
Although I usually screen most unknown numbers, I had been waiting for a call from my doctor about my cholesterol level, and thought that maybe he was calling from his office’s fax line, which was not programmed into my phone. I pressed “Send”…
Me: Hello?
Voice on phone: Hey!…..RANDI!!!!! WHAT’S UP! (Oh my GOD!! Don’t shout in my ear!)
My immediate reflex was to pull the phone about 18 inches from my head, just to keep my right eardrum intact. Then I looked at the display and pushed the “down volume” button until it was on its lowest setting.
Me: Ummm…hi?
Voice on phone: YO!!!! What’s up how ya doin’ how’s your day goin’!!? How’s….EVERYTHING!!!!! (What the fuck…who is this?)
Me: …….With whom am I speaking?
Voice on phone: Oh, that’s right. I guess I didn’t give you my number…It’s ADAM!…from the JDate!….WHAT’S UP!!!!!! (Oh, hello Adam. You sound very happy)
I forgot that I was also expecting a call from Adam: a guy from JDate with whom I had emailed a few times. Despite having never spoken on the phone, Adam was talking to me like we were best buds from elementary school.
Me: Hey Adam. I’m doing well. How are you?
I knew it was a dumb question. The guy sounded happier than a wild boar floating in a giant swimming pool of his own refreshing poo.
Adam: I’m GREAT!!!! (See?) Had an AWESOME night last night went to The Blue Elephant…it was CRAZY!!!!!
Me: What’s The Blue Elephant? (That kind of sounds like the name of an ecstasy tab, like “green triangles” and “purple happy faces.” That stuff is really powerful. Next time, you should consider just taking one)
Adam: The Blue Elephant is the HOTTEST new lounge! It’s AMAZING!!!!!
Me: Oh, ok (Well, it was a good guess). I’m glad you had fun.
Adam: Yeah, I DEFINITELY Did! Soooooooo…HOW’S LIFE!? What are YOUUUU up to!!?! (It seems that I’m talking to a crazy person…and wishing I hadn’t dumped my purse all over the floor. Aww, look at that mess).
It had already occurred to me that Adam had a few loose screws. In fact, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he told me that he had just shot some meth, snorted a few lines of cocaine, eaten an entire bag of chocolate-covered coffee beans, and happened to be in the manic phase of bipolar disorder.
Me: I’m planning on having a relaxing day (You should try to relax too. It feels pretty good). I just got back from the gym and now I’m going to eat something and read the newspaper.
Adam: Oh yeah!!? That sounds AWESOME!!! (I guess…..Did you sniff some glue too?). So are you new to the website I’ve never seen your profile before am I the first guy you’ve spoken to I’ve been on it for a while HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? (Oh my god….SLOW DOWN!)
The guy was not only talking faster than the old Hot Wheels commercial announcer guy, but he sounded more enthusiastic than a camp counselor trying to get his little campers excited about spending two hours in the blazing heat, making tugboats out of old, rotted 2×4’s and metal washers, only to get home and have their parents throw away their projects to prevent anyone in the family from getting splinters. It was really weird.
Me: The website has been ok so far.
There was no need to tell him my real opinion about the site. Why rain on his gumdrop and candy cane parade?
Me: How has JDate been for you? (Dare I even ask?)
Adam: Oh my god EVERY girl on there is just SNIFFING around for money you know they’re all GOLD-DIGGERS!!! (…..Oh my god. Stop yelling into my ear! I can HEAR you!!!). It’s really IRRITATING (…you’re kind of irritating) and I can’t find anyone NORMAL on there (…Oh, I think that’s because it takes one to know one). I’ve been on SOOO many first dates (Really? Wow. I guess there are some crazy chicks out there who are perfect for you), but not ONE SINGLE second date!! (Oh, maybe you’re even scarier in person. Well…keep on truckin’. You’ll find your cuckoo soul-mate one of these days!). I think the website REALLY SUCKS!!!
Me: Oh, that’s too bad.
Since Adam was already freaking me out, I was waiting for the right moment to interject with my pre-fabricated, one-size-fits-all rejection speech: “You know, I’m just not feeling much of a connection between us.” Since the guy seemed like he wouldn’t even mind if a wild moose burst through his front door; charged at him with its huge pointy antlers, then pranced over to the kitchen, ate every morsel of food, and before leaving, marked its territory by peeing all over his 18th century Chinese area rug; rejecting him would be easier than finding a cheap whore in a dark alleyway at 3 am.
Adam: Oh that’s COOOOOOOL…What’s going on what are you doing today do you wanna come hang out with me?
Me: Do I want to hang out with you? Right now? (Or…ever? No thanks, I’ll pass). I don’t think so. I’m in a really lazy mood (And we might have to stuff your face with Xanax to get you to settle down). And it’s cold outside (And I’m planning on buying a gift for my mother’s 60th birthday. I know she’s only 57 but one can never be too prepared). And I just came back from the gym and need to shower (And I need to do other things…like improve my origami skills by making paper cranes that flap their wings, open their mouths, eat, sleep, chirp and take shits. I was also planning to re-read the dictionary. It might take me a while. I’m just entirely too busy today). And I’m meeting a friend for dinner later (Well, not really).
Adam: Oh man that SUCKS I’m so BORED!! (Really? Thanks! I’m THRILLED to hear that I’m boring you!) I should wake up my roommate he’s still asleep (Oh, I’m guessing he has the downers. You should ask him to share) but I need him to come out and DO SOMETHING with me because I’m JUST SO BORED!! (…Oh my god…You are an adult…..and this is New York City…How can you be bored!!!!?).
Hearing the words “I’m bored” brought me back to the times when my brother and I were young and had to sit in synagogue on Yom Kippur, pretending to listen to the 3-hour-sermon about atonement and repentance while trying to ignore our severe cases of “ants in the pants”…
Brother and me: Mom! (whispering). We’re bored and hungry!
Mom: Shut up and pay attention!
Adam: There is NOTHING TO DO!! (Oh my god…You are so weird!! Complaining isn’t going to get you anywhere). Seriously…I am SO BORED!!! (Look…I really think it’s time that you worked on your first impression skills. Let’s start with Rule #1: “When first conversing with a girl, if you find yourself acting like a 2-year-old…SHUT UP!”).
Then I threw out a few suggestions of things that normal people do on Saturday afternoons.
Me: If you’re bored, why don’t you go somewhere (You don’t live in a cardboard box, or in Alaska where all there is to do is take drugs, screw and have illegitimate children. Although, being around lots of children might be good for you). Go to an art gallery or a museum (Or get out your 64-color Crayola crayon set and draw something pretty). I’m sure you have a few books (or coloring books), so pick one from your shelf and read something …(And if you’re REALLY desperate, you can take your bucket and shovel over to Central Park and play in the dirt. Make sure nobody sees you though. I don’t think it’s legal. Oh, there’s a zoo there too. Maybe you can walk by and wave at the monkeys…but watch out for flying doody!) Or go on the Internet and learn something (learning is good too).
Adam: LEARN?!? HAHA, WHO LEARNS FOR FUN? (Fuck you. I think learning is fun). I guess I could find SOMETHING to do I mean my building has TONS of amenities like a gym and a basketball court and other good stuff (Oh, that sounds great! You should find out if they have a jungle-gym or a playground for you. I don’t think many buildings allow children play in the big kid areas). There’s also an indoor swimming pool (I hope it’s a kiddie pool). I LOVE my building it’s TOTALLY great I also have a doorman and an elevator and the whole thing (Perfect, lots of things to keep you little ones stimulated. So go get your inner-tube and pool toys so you can stand around in the 2-foot-deep swimming pool. Oh, and don’t forget your floaties!! You should put two on each arm just to be really safe).
Me: See? You just fixed your problem.
Then there was a nice break in the conversation, just perfect for me to slip in my “I’m not interested” speech, but as soon as I opened my mouth….
Adam: —yeah maybe SO…..RANDI!! Tell me more about YOU! (Oh poo. You want to you about me? Well, let’s see…I want to get off the phone with you, I act like an adult, and I’m normal. I think that means it won’t work out).
Me: I’m a student.
Adam: OH THAT’S REALLY COOL!!! I wish I was still in school but I had no reason to go to graduate school so I just started working but I really like my work and I have an AWESOME salary and get a GREAT YEARLY BONUS!!!! (Very nice…thank you for making me a bonus and salary pie and smushing it into my face. That reminds me of a wise old saying… “Men who talk about their money to women they barely know are IDIOTS.” I can’t remember where I heard that).
Me: Oh, ok. What do you do? (Other than complain like a child who has eaten ten individual packets of sugary, goo-filled fruit snacks?)
Adam: I work in trading (Ohhhh, like “I’ll give you six tabs of ecstasy for your Nosey Bear and My Little Pony?”) It’s pretty cool (Uh huh).
Me: Ok, I don’t know much about trading (Drugs are for losers. My Little Pony can be cool though). So where are you from? (I’m guessing you’re from LA)
Being from LA myself, I know too well that my native city of angels is populated with enough “unbalanced” people to throw the earth off its axis.
Adam: I grew up in Manhattan (Well, I wasn’t too far off. Native Manhattanites can be pretty messed up too). But my parents live in Buffalo now and I visit them a lot because I own three duplexes there that I rent out ….(Whoa…three duplexes. That’s very impressive).
Me: You OWN three duplexes? Like, free and clear?
Adam: Yup they’re all rented out it’s like having three money machines (Money machines??? Ugh! Did you NOT listen to my wise old saying? I should call your mom and tell her that you have ADD). It’s so convenient and….
Me: Wait. Can I stop you for a second? (I’m going to tell you something that you clearly haven’t figured out yourself, so either pay attention for the next 30 seconds or I’ll have to get out the paddle and give you a smack on the fanny).
Then I gave Adam a piece of information that I thought was perfectly obvious to most men, women, and single-celled organisms.
Me:…If you are NOT looking for someone who wants you for your money, you probably shouldn’t tell strange women that you live in a doorman building, make a “GREAT” salary, and own three duplexes in Buffalo (………Duh).
Adam: Well it doesn’t really matter do you even KNOW how CHEAP real estate is in Buffalo?!!!! (Yes, I do. But that won’t help me make my point).
Me: No. I don’t know anything about the real estate in Buffalo, and I’m guessing that a decent number of other girls don’t know anything about it either (…And that’s probably true).
Adam: But it doesn’t matter because you can buy a duplex for like FIVE CENTS there!! (That’s not the point! Come on now. Take your Ritilan and focus. Or just close your mouth and use that energy to power your brain. That might work too).
Me: Yes, it may be cheap to own real estate there, but…(Ok, if you listen to nothing else, listen to this)…a woman who doesn’t know that might hear, “Oh!…I own three duplexes!” and start having an orgasm at the thought of you sliding your hard-earned, seven-carat diamond onto her finger (Comprende?).
…………………………….
Adam: ………….Well………………YOU probably only know that because you’re a GOLDDINGGER YOURSELF!!! You KNOW WHAT?? ………..I’ve LOST interest!!…..GOOD—BYE!!!
Me: ……………………….hello?…………………………………………………
……………………………………………………….Hello????……..
I looked at my phone and saw “12:16” flashing on the display…….
(Oh my god, that idiot hung up on me!)……..HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA…What an
asshole!…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!………..
I laughed for at least three minutes. There was just no other way to react. I was shocked! (What adult hangs up on people?). And I tend to react to shocking situations by having uncontrollable laugh attacks. On top of that, I’m the type of girl who, if I loved a guy so much as to say “yes” to a marriage proposal, would accept a cheap plastic ring from one of those 25-cent toy machines you see at the supermarket.
When I got ahold of myself, I scooped up the contents of my purse and put all my things back where they belonged, finally took off my gloves and coat, unwrapped myself from my scarf, and started putting my groceries away. I wanted a caffeine buzz (hey, maybe I’m a drug addict too), but when I unscrewed the lid to my Diet Coke, the soda turned to fizz, overflowed and dribbled all over my kitchen floor.
(Oh fuck)
What a waste. My pint of Ben & Jerry’s was still rock hard though. At least I figured out faster than it takes ice cream to start melting that Adam was just another guy whose name I add to my ever-growing list of JDate weirdos. Actually, the fact that I even had a JDate-weirdo list should probably been a clue that Manhattan’s online dating “pool” was more like a pond of stinky swamp gas. But…I didn’t get the hint. Instead, I continued on my fantastic journey through the world of online dating. Stay tuned for more…
Chad and Scott- Thank you guys for backing me up too
yes, thank you sycophants. she needs the help. can you guys edit? i’d ask for you to grant her some integrity, but you have none yourselves. and randi wonders why she can’t get a decent man.
Ok, pragmatism. Look very carefully here:
This is Paul making the valid argument that people in general are in some way responsible for their own situation, albeit in a coarse and extremely inopportune manner.
[As an aside, I think Michael Jackson’s near deification is a better example. Personally I feel that no amount of being exploited as a child and possession of insane gobs of money can be used as an excuse for diddling boys.]
This is Randi telling a funny story about an encounter with a douchebag trader from NY, and hoping we enjoy it.
You see how those two things are different? One has nothing to do with the other. They are unrelated. There is no connection. http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/different
In fact, I don’t see how anyone can make a legitimate connection. Perhaps you have attained a higher spiritual plane of existance, however, that allows you to do so. It is probably living on this same plane of existance that allows you to be so persnickety about editing mistakes when you don’t back it up with correct spelling and capitalization yourself. I don’t know.
How exactly is Randi benefitting from Paul’s article? I doubt anyone on this site gets paid for what they write as it seems more a creative outlet than anything else. If it is not monetary renumeration, then it must be ego you are talking about (imagine that).
How, for that matter, did Paul’s article directly effect the people of Haiti? Do you honestly believe that there are that many sheep out there searching for an answer to the question of if they should give to the Haitian relief effort, then reading Paul’s article and deciding against it? Really? Even if that is even minimally true, don’t you think there would be at least as many people that disagreed with it enough who then decide to contribute? Please do not limit your thinking so much in one direction.
Finally, am I ‘mad’ at you and Fazerski for your public disagreement with Paul? Of course not: That would be petty. Like I said, you and he have just as much right as anyone to voice your opinion. It is the way you voice your opinions that I – and everyone else – do not feel is right. Your mean and spiteful attacks do not do anyone any good (especially the people of Haiti), nor do they get your point across in a more dramatic manner. Really, the only one who appears to be angry is you. So fine, be angry. But channel your anger at either God or fault lines, depending on your ideology. Randi doesn’t deserve to be the brunt of it any more than the people of Haiti.
Oh, and I do have integrity. Otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered with a response.
scott–
randi is a third party beneficiary of riding on paul’s coattails. this was true before his idiotic articles about haiti. however, the amount of traffic that came this way was much higher once the media started reporting and linking to this site. make sense?????? lots of people who would have never known she existed now know that she is associated with an exceptionally stupid racist. so she gets the “benefit” of a new audience who may want to know how she feels about being tied to paul. is that such an unreasonable question? i think the lack of response and paul jumping in to her defense speak volumes. her silence is consent. maybe she hates the shvartzers. who knows without her saying so? what is clear is that she would prefer to remain silent. does that benefit her? does it benefit paul? does it benefit the site as a whole? again, playing it both ways.
so scott, i was never equating the content of ms. can’t find a man and the only ones i do find are jerks’s pieces and mr. 4th rate basketballer and 12th rate writer’s content.
i don’t dispute that she hopes we enjoy her articles. i dispute that we have to enjoy them or only make positive remarks.
i find it hilarious that you place the same editing burden on commenters to a published story as to the story itself. i will say that my lack of capitalization is a stylistic choice. her lack of proofreading/spelling ability is a choice to be ignorant/lazy.
paul’s article pushes the randian meme of “self-reliance” while ignoring (as he admitted) the root causes for their society’s situation. its a lot like the wingnuts who are using the existence of snowstorms in washington to disprove global warming while ignoring that weather and climate are two different things.
there seems to be some misguided belief here that if you don’t suck off the authors, you are “mean” or “spiteful”. accordingly any negative commenter is assailed and the level of discourse devolves from there.
so, to be clear, paul blows goats. randi is guilty by association. mr. roth made things clear on where he stands and i appreciate it.
Pragmatism- Congratulations. As your mentor, Fazerski, did last week, you’ve successfully managed to push my buttons. That’s not easy to do, so for that, I give you a round of applause.
Let me start out by addressing some comments you’ve made:
–“[R]andi is a third party beneficiary of riding on paul’s coattails. this was true before his idiotic articles about haiti. however, the amount of traffic that came this way was much higher once the media started reporting and linking to this site. make sense??????”:
I’m not sure why this is leaving your panties in such a twist, but the fact that the site is getting more traffic seems to have left you agitated. How can I remedy this problem you you? Would you like me to apologize for the fact that, for reasons beyond control, I might have more readers than I did last month? Or would you rather I just shoo away any new readers I’ve gotten because, after all, I didn’t earn them myself.
–“[Randi] gets the ‘benefit’ of a new audience who may want to know how she feels about being tied to paul.”:
A new…“Audience”? You mean….YOU?? And Fazerski? Correct me if I’m wrong, but the majority of comments on this board have been left by readers who have expressed their indifference toward my opinion of Paul Shirley’s piece. I would hardly consider the only two standouts to be my “audience,” so please excuse me for not catering to your needs.
–“i think the lack of response and paul jumping in to [Randi's] defense speak volumes. her silence is consent.”:
Really????? So, I guess every writer who didn’t publicly “renounce what shirley wrote” (as you put it) automatically shares Paul’s views about Haiti. Hmmm…that’s very odd. Because that would include several writers on this site. However, for some reason, you’ve chosen to single me out as the target for your incessant needling. Do I know you? Have I deeply offended you on a personal level? Perhaps you’d care to explain.
–“maybe [Randi] hates the shvartzers. who knows without her saying so? what is clear is that she would prefer to remain silent. does that benefit her?”:
Yes, it does benefit me to remain silent. Why does it benefit me? Because you, “pragmatism,” will find a way to poke holes in anything I write. For instance, let’s say I defended myself with: “Hey! Don’t say that I “hate the schvartzers”! I LOVE AFRICAN AMERICANS!!!!” Would this make you happy? Would you finally leave me alone? Of course not! You would probably call me a racist because I failed to declare that I also love Asians, Latinos, Indians, and Native Americans. Get it? There is no winning with you.
In regards to your repeated references to my misspelling the word “Ritalin”: I sincerely apologize. Please forgive me for misspelling the brand name of a medication that I have never been prescribed. I’ll make sure to write nasty letters to all of my elementary school teachers for not putting the word “Ritalin” on any of our spelling tests.
Now let’s direct our focus back to the original topic that has given you such angst, that you’ve decided to throw an 11-day hissy fit: little pragmatism didn’t get what he wanted, which was an answer about whether or not I agree with a controversial article that was written by somebody else. That was your pickle, wasn’t it? Well pragmatism, this might come as a shock to you, but spewing insults and questioning integrity are not the best actions to take when trying to squeeze information out of a person. I made a choice to share my opinions with Paul weeks ago, even though it was never my obligation to do so. Nor was it ever my obligation to share my opinions with you. So I suggest you change your diaper and find someone else to bother. Perhaps someone in the real world.
Prag – You seriously are going to say my argument rings “hollow” when yours, while stated well and makes a couple salient points, doesn’t? You claim these writings are not here for entertainment, ok well what are they for? They do not claim to be educational pieces and you clearly state “they are here to read”. Well, 99% of the time people either read for education (to learn about something, ie non-fiction) or to be entertained (ie. fiction as in, something someone made up which they would have no other reason to do so other than, oh…um..entertain?). If you want to make some kind of argument for the other 1% then fine I’m all ears, but really? Argue over maybe 1% if it’s even there? I will admit that I was first drawn to this site by Mr. Shirley. I became interested in his articles on ESPN because I am a big music fan myself and, while I didn’t always agree with his view points, found them to be informative (new bands to possibly listen to) and entertaining, viewpoints shared or not. Oh wait, there’s those words again, INFORMATIVE and ENTERTAINING. I have continued to read this site mostly for other authors on here rather than Mr.Shirley simply it’s the way my tastes have flowed. If it didn’t appeal to me, I didn’t read it (quite an innovative concept!!!). I don’t necessarily condone Mr. Shirley’s article or agree with his point of view but the other writers are not, as you say, “morally obligated” to come out with response pieces. As I stated before they are their own separate entities and the grown adults who can figure amongst themselves without outside assistance. Mr. Shirley wrote a recent article about how the internet has affected our consumption of news and information and I believe this runs somewhat parallel to that. You assume that because the other members have what you consider a “public pulpit” they should use it to renounce the evil of Mr. Shirley’s article. While I applaud anyone willing to do so I whole-heartedly consider it their right carry on with their lives and keep their opinions to themselves (something some people can learn from). If you want to know their opinion, ask. Their silence does not mean they agree it simply means they do not wish to jump into the verbal turmoil as noted by the comments section on both of Mr. Shirley’s pieces. The one truly responsible is Mr. Shirley in not considering his colleagues when deciding to post them as it would seem fairly obvious from even his first statement of the first piece that he had some idea of what the reaction would be. I kind of doubt all the writers get together and approve each other’s pieces so it would not be possible for them to know what was coming. My point is this. I understand where you are coming in your critique but I don’t believe it’s fair to simply lump them in due to silence. This is not an arena where full scale PR to cover collateral damage is necessary and I think you are way overstating the “increased exposure” the site may be getting from readers dropping in. Yes I’m sure a few people have been connected to the article via a link on another site but I a) doubt many took the time to peruse the site further and b) doubt that the, shall we say, 15 minutes of shame will last much longer. We are honestly a society with a short attention span and with all due respect Mr. Shirley et. all are not exactly TMZ material (meaning not exactly someone who consumes an almost day to day status update ie, not household names, which is not necessary a bad thing either) so I’m sure the crowd will move along accordingly. Your Jeff Albertsonian commentary and attempts to degrade my argument and the other writers really only work against you and prove your own “douchiness” so congrats on that. Either way I think I’ve made my point and you’ve made yours so whatever…if you feel the need to respond, then…whatever tickles your balls man…just remember it doesn’t make you a big deal
i dipute that the pieces are here for us to enjoy. we don’t have to enjoy them. they are here to read. these guys put them out for public consumption. their control ends after they put it out on a site with commenting capabilities. your whining rings hollow.
that said, i do enjoy some of the writing here and have commented as such. others i don’t.
i also disagree that by remaining silent the other authors aren’t co-signing the other content. this is why i appreciatee mr. roth’s effort to maintain his integrity.
the other authors sure as hell benefit from being a part of this “collective” and glomming on paul’s traffic that gets sent here. to abandon the “collective” when things get negative further demostrate the collective douchiness contained herein.
is it really ridiculous to suggest the use of spell check when an author is going to publish something? am i asking too much of your heroes?
whups I accidentally posted his comments to me below mine…
Jeez, looks like the trolls are back.
You should just ignore idiots like pragmatism and Fazerski. No good comes from feeding them.
For what it is worth I am apparently many other have found you stores consistently very funny. I hope you keep up the good work.
* For what it is worth I and apparently many others have found your stories consistently very funny. I hope you keep up the good work.
chad,
my point is that you presume that people must enjoy the stories. i say that people can enjoy the stories or dislike them or be ambivalent about them. however, it appears that if a person’s response falls into the latter two categories, that person is a troll. if that’s how this place rolls, so be it. but don’t think that people won’t see through it.
douchiness is a subjective term, of course. although if anyone is approaching objective douchification, it is paul.
randi–
fazerski is my mentor? we don’t know each other, but we agree on a narrow point. i’m not sure that this rises to the mentor level. as long as we are speaking of mentors, please get some editing help. and spell check. thanks.
i’m all for you getting more traffic here. you seem not to care how you get the traffic and seem to argue that paul should write another reprehensible piece so others will see more of your whining about the dating scene because its beyond your control. this is exactly where mr. roth’s rebuttal comes in. he exerted some control over the situation. apparently you are helpless in life, helpless in love, helpless in humanity. and maybe that is the “cause” that leads to the “effect” of you being alone and meeting only j-douches.
as for the other non-mr. roth writers, you are correct. i hold you all in the same low level of esteem. the difference is that i have actually enjoyed a few of the other pieces. the only personal part about this is that i personally do not like your writing. sorry randi, its gonna happen. maybe you have artificial expectations because everyone here is a cheerleader or else they are deemed to be trolls. you publish this crap. own it.
i don’t feel sorry that you misspelled something because “you have never been prescribed” it. you publish this on the internet. use spell check, for the love of haiti. i don’t think that is an unreasonable request.
you may be way too sensitive to be a writer randi.
Now you’re just making me laugh. Your anger is so sad.
And I’m not sure what has led you to believe that I’m “alone”? These dates didn’t take place yesterday. Or even recently. I just happen to be writing about them now.
Oh, the previous comment was directed toward pragmatism.
way to own it randi! now channel it. perhaps into the following sequence of events: copy all, paste into word, spellcheck.
or keep up with the excuses. whichever.
Personally, I thought the article was entertaining, especially because my mom wont stop bugging me to join JDate, which becomes less and less of an attractive option each time I read these stories of the crazy people on there.
And in regards to all of you who criticize, keep in mind that you are not the ones producing funny new literature on a weekly basis, so try not to be such douches.
A
Thank you Redline
Pragmatism, I’m sure you won’t read this, but it has to be said. For someone complaining about the spelling in an online article, you should probably watch your own gramar. It is generally considered appropriate to capitalize the first word of each sentence. Just some food for thought.