Yet another story from the wonderful world of online dating. Enjoy.
On a Saturday afternoon, during my homeward walk from the gym, I decided to make a quick stop at the market for some basic supplies: toilet paper, paper towels, milk, sugary cereal that would undoubtedly give me cavities, vanilla caramel swirl ice cream, and a 20 oz. diet soda. After trudging over a mile through the snow with my bulky bags, I made it back to my apartment building, walked through the lobby, took the elevator upstairs, and dragged my tired ass and my bags to my door. After putting my key into the keyhole…
(ring ring ring)
It was my phone. Since it had been 25º outside that day, I was wearing my heaviest winter coat, an obscenely long yellow knitted scarf, and a pair of black leather gloves. I turned my key to unlock the deadbolt, and then pushed the door open…
(ring ring ring)
(Damn it!)
I dropped my grocery bags, flung my key-chain somewhere, and tried, with gloves on, to feel around for my phone amongst all of the unnecessary crap in my purse.
(ring ring ring)
(AGHH!! Where the fuck is it!?)
I turned my purse upside down and shook it until it was empty, scattering every business card, tube of lipstick, and travel-sized package of tissues all over the floor of my entryway, only to see the phone’s display lighting up from inside the zipper pocket.
(Oopsies)
(ring ring ring)
I unzipped the side pocket, grabbed my phone, and looked at the display (212-555-0281. Who is this?)
Although I usually screen most unknown numbers, I had been waiting for a call from my doctor about my cholesterol level, and thought that maybe he was calling from his office’s fax line, which was not programmed into my phone. I pressed “Send”…
Me: Hello?
Voice on phone: Hey!…..RANDI!!!!! WHAT’S UP! (Oh my GOD!! Don’t shout in my ear!)
My immediate reflex was to pull the phone about 18 inches from my head, just to keep my right eardrum intact. Then I looked at the display and pushed the “down volume” button until it was on its lowest setting.
Me: Ummm…hi?
Voice on phone: YO!!!! What’s up how ya doin’ how’s your day goin’!!? How’s….EVERYTHING!!!!! (What the fuck…who is this?)
Me: …….With whom am I speaking?
Voice on phone: Oh, that’s right. I guess I didn’t give you my number…It’s ADAM!…from the JDate!….WHAT’S UP!!!!!! (Oh, hello Adam. You sound very happy)
I forgot that I was also expecting a call from Adam: a guy from JDate with whom I had emailed a few times. Despite having never spoken on the phone, Adam was talking to me like we were best buds from elementary school.
Me: Hey Adam. I’m doing well. How are you?
I knew it was a dumb question. The guy sounded happier than a wild boar floating in a giant swimming pool of his own refreshing poo.
Adam: I’m GREAT!!!! (See?) Had an AWESOME night last night went to The Blue Elephant…it was CRAZY!!!!!
Me: What’s The Blue Elephant? (That kind of sounds like the name of an ecstasy tab, like “green triangles” and “purple happy faces.” That stuff is really powerful. Next time, you should consider just taking one)
Adam: The Blue Elephant is the HOTTEST new lounge! It’s AMAZING!!!!!
Me: Oh, ok (Well, it was a good guess). I’m glad you had fun.
Adam: Yeah, I DEFINITELY Did! Soooooooo…HOW’S LIFE!? What are YOUUUU up to!!?! (It seems that I’m talking to a crazy person…and wishing I hadn’t dumped my purse all over the floor. Aww, look at that mess).
It had already occurred to me that Adam had a few loose screws. In fact, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he told me that he had just shot some meth, snorted a few lines of cocaine, eaten an entire bag of chocolate-covered coffee beans, and happened to be in the manic phase of bipolar disorder.
Me: I’m planning on having a relaxing day (You should try to relax too. It feels pretty good). I just got back from the gym and now I’m going to eat something and read the newspaper.
Adam: Oh yeah!!? That sounds AWESOME!!! (I guess…..Did you sniff some glue too?). So are you new to the website I’ve never seen your profile before am I the first guy you’ve spoken to I’ve been on it for a while HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? (Oh my god….SLOW DOWN!)
The guy was not only talking faster than the old Hot Wheels commercial announcer guy, but he sounded more enthusiastic than a camp counselor trying to get his little campers excited about spending two hours in the blazing heat, making tugboats out of old, rotted 2×4’s and metal washers, only to get home and have their parents throw away their projects to prevent anyone in the family from getting splinters. It was really weird.
Me: The website has been ok so far.
There was no need to tell him my real opinion about the site. Why rain on his gumdrop and candy cane parade?
Me: How has JDate been for you? (Dare I even ask?)
Adam: Oh my god EVERY girl on there is just SNIFFING around for money you know they’re all GOLD-DIGGERS!!! (…..Oh my god. Stop yelling into my ear! I can HEAR you!!!). It’s really IRRITATING (…you’re kind of irritating) and I can’t find anyone NORMAL on there (…Oh, I think that’s because it takes one to know one). I’ve been on SOOO many first dates (Really? Wow. I guess there are some crazy chicks out there who are perfect for you), but not ONE SINGLE second date!! (Oh, maybe you’re even scarier in person. Well…keep on truckin’. You’ll find your cuckoo soul-mate one of these days!). I think the website REALLY SUCKS!!!
Me: Oh, that’s too bad.
Since Adam was already freaking me out, I was waiting for the right moment to interject with my pre-fabricated, one-size-fits-all rejection speech: “You know, I’m just not feeling much of a connection between us.” Since the guy seemed like he wouldn’t even mind if a wild moose burst through his front door; charged at him with its huge pointy antlers, then pranced over to the kitchen, ate every morsel of food, and before leaving, marked its territory by peeing all over his 18th century Chinese area rug; rejecting him would be easier than finding a cheap whore in a dark alleyway at 3 am.
Adam: Oh that’s COOOOOOOL…What’s going on what are you doing today do you wanna come hang out with me?
Me: Do I want to hang out with you? Right now? (Or…ever? No thanks, I’ll pass). I don’t think so. I’m in a really lazy mood (And we might have to stuff your face with Xanax to get you to settle down). And it’s cold outside (And I’m planning on buying a gift for my mother’s 60th birthday. I know she’s only 57 but one can never be too prepared). And I just came back from the gym and need to shower (And I need to do other things…like improve my origami skills by making paper cranes that flap their wings, open their mouths, eat, sleep, chirp and take shits. I was also planning to re-read the dictionary. It might take me a while. I’m just entirely too busy today). And I’m meeting a friend for dinner later (Well, not really).
Adam: Oh man that SUCKS I’m so BORED!! (Really? Thanks! I’m THRILLED to hear that I’m boring you!) I should wake up my roommate he’s still asleep (Oh, I’m guessing he has the downers. You should ask him to share) but I need him to come out and DO SOMETHING with me because I’m JUST SO BORED!! (…Oh my god…You are an adult…..and this is New York City…How can you be bored!!!!?).
Hearing the words “I’m bored” brought me back to the times when my brother and I were young and had to sit in synagogue on Yom Kippur, pretending to listen to the 3-hour-sermon about atonement and repentance while trying to ignore our severe cases of “ants in the pants”…
Brother and me: Mom! (whispering). We’re bored and hungry!
Mom: Shut up and pay attention!
Adam: There is NOTHING TO DO!! (Oh my god…You are so weird!! Complaining isn’t going to get you anywhere). Seriously…I am SO BORED!!! (Look…I really think it’s time that you worked on your first impression skills. Let’s start with Rule #1: “When first conversing with a girl, if you find yourself acting like a 2-year-old…SHUT UP!”).
Then I threw out a few suggestions of things that normal people do on Saturday afternoons.
Me: If you’re bored, why don’t you go somewhere (You don’t live in a cardboard box, or in Alaska where all there is to do is take drugs, screw and have illegitimate children. Although, being around lots of children might be good for you). Go to an art gallery or a museum (Or get out your 64-color Crayola crayon set and draw something pretty). I’m sure you have a few books (or coloring books), so pick one from your shelf and read something …(And if you’re REALLY desperate, you can take your bucket and shovel over to Central Park and play in the dirt. Make sure nobody sees you though. I don’t think it’s legal. Oh, there’s a zoo there too. Maybe you can walk by and wave at the monkeys…but watch out for flying doody!) Or go on the Internet and learn something (learning is good too).
Adam: LEARN?!? HAHA, WHO LEARNS FOR FUN? (Fuck you. I think learning is fun). I guess I could find SOMETHING to do I mean my building has TONS of amenities like a gym and a basketball court and other good stuff (Oh, that sounds great! You should find out if they have a jungle-gym or a playground for you. I don’t think many buildings allow children play in the big kid areas). There’s also an indoor swimming pool (I hope it’s a kiddie pool). I LOVE my building it’s TOTALLY great I also have a doorman and an elevator and the whole thing (Perfect, lots of things to keep you little ones stimulated. So go get your inner-tube and pool toys so you can stand around in the 2-foot-deep swimming pool. Oh, and don’t forget your floaties!! You should put two on each arm just to be really safe).
Me: See? You just fixed your problem.
Then there was a nice break in the conversation, just perfect for me to slip in my “I’m not interested” speech, but as soon as I opened my mouth….
Adam: —yeah maybe SO…..RANDI!! Tell me more about YOU! (Oh poo. You want to you about me? Well, let’s see…I want to get off the phone with you, I act like an adult, and I’m normal. I think that means it won’t work out).
Me: I’m a student.
Adam: OH THAT’S REALLY COOL!!! I wish I was still in school but I had no reason to go to graduate school so I just started working but I really like my work and I have an AWESOME salary and get a GREAT YEARLY BONUS!!!! (Very nice…thank you for making me a bonus and salary pie and smushing it into my face. That reminds me of a wise old saying… “Men who talk about their money to women they barely know are IDIOTS.” I can’t remember where I heard that).
Me: Oh, ok. What do you do? (Other than complain like a child who has eaten ten individual packets of sugary, goo-filled fruit snacks?)
Adam: I work in trading (Ohhhh, like “I’ll give you six tabs of ecstasy for your Nosey Bear and My Little Pony?”) It’s pretty cool (Uh huh).
Me: Ok, I don’t know much about trading (Drugs are for losers. My Little Pony can be cool though). So where are you from? (I’m guessing you’re from LA)
Being from LA myself, I know too well that my native city of angels is populated with enough “unbalanced” people to throw the earth off its axis.
Adam: I grew up in Manhattan (Well, I wasn’t too far off. Native Manhattanites can be pretty messed up too). But my parents live in Buffalo now and I visit them a lot because I own three duplexes there that I rent out ….(Whoa…three duplexes. That’s very impressive).
Me: You OWN three duplexes? Like, free and clear?
Adam: Yup they’re all rented out it’s like having three money machines (Money machines??? Ugh! Did you NOT listen to my wise old saying? I should call your mom and tell her that you have ADD). It’s so convenient and….
Me: Wait. Can I stop you for a second? (I’m going to tell you something that you clearly haven’t figured out yourself, so either pay attention for the next 30 seconds or I’ll have to get out the paddle and give you a smack on the fanny).
Then I gave Adam a piece of information that I thought was perfectly obvious to most men, women, and single-celled organisms.
Me:…If you are NOT looking for someone who wants you for your money, you probably shouldn’t tell strange women that you live in a doorman building, make a “GREAT” salary, and own three duplexes in Buffalo (………Duh).
Adam: Well it doesn’t really matter do you even KNOW how CHEAP real estate is in Buffalo?!!!! (Yes, I do. But that won’t help me make my point).
Me: No. I don’t know anything about the real estate in Buffalo, and I’m guessing that a decent number of other girls don’t know anything about it either (…And that’s probably true).
Adam: But it doesn’t matter because you can buy a duplex for like FIVE CENTS there!! (That’s not the point! Come on now. Take your Ritilan and focus. Or just close your mouth and use that energy to power your brain. That might work too).
Me: Yes, it may be cheap to own real estate there, but…(Ok, if you listen to nothing else, listen to this)…a woman who doesn’t know that might hear, “Oh!…I own three duplexes!” and start having an orgasm at the thought of you sliding your hard-earned, seven-carat diamond onto her finger (Comprende?).
…………………………….
Adam: ………….Well………………YOU probably only know that because you’re a GOLDDINGGER YOURSELF!!! You KNOW WHAT?? ………..I’ve LOST interest!!…..GOOD—BYE!!!
Me: ……………………….hello?…………………………………………………
……………………………………………………….Hello????……..
I looked at my phone and saw “12:16” flashing on the display…….
(Oh my god, that idiot hung up on me!)……..HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA…What an
asshole!…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!………..
I laughed for at least three minutes. There was just no other way to react. I was shocked! (What adult hangs up on people?). And I tend to react to shocking situations by having uncontrollable laugh attacks. On top of that, I’m the type of girl who, if I loved a guy so much as to say “yes” to a marriage proposal, would accept a cheap plastic ring from one of those 25-cent toy machines you see at the supermarket.
When I got ahold of myself, I scooped up the contents of my purse and put all my things back where they belonged, finally took off my gloves and coat, unwrapped myself from my scarf, and started putting my groceries away. I wanted a caffeine buzz (hey, maybe I’m a drug addict too), but when I unscrewed the lid to my Diet Coke, the soda turned to fizz, overflowed and dribbled all over my kitchen floor.
(Oh fuck)
What a waste. My pint of Ben & Jerry’s was still rock hard though. At least I figured out faster than it takes ice cream to start melting that Adam was just another guy whose name I add to my ever-growing list of JDate weirdos. Actually, the fact that I even had a JDate-weirdo list should probably been a clue that Manhattan’s online dating “pool” was more like a pond of stinky swamp gas. But…I didn’t get the hint. Instead, I continued on my fantastic journey through the world of online dating. Stay tuned for more…
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Just a nit-pick, it wasn’t the Hot Wheels guy, it was the fast talking Micro Machines guy. I don’t know why you even use JDate based on all these horror stories. They do make good fodder for articles though. Keep ‘em coming!
Here’s a comment posted in a previous thread that’s applicable to you, Randi:
“Bad writing. Bad run on joke. Bad for you professionally to keep writing on this sad site. Really bad to see that nobody in this so-called collective either has the guts to rebut the poorly researched op ed screed that has been posted over the past week, and/or have their own name and content removed*. Is that some sort of ridiculous “editorial” move, or are you all in agreement? God, I hope for your sakes that it is the former**.
You would be so much better off as writers if you devoted your energies to unsuccessfully pitching pieces elsewhere rather than “happily” continuing to post here and pretend as if nothing happened.
*Except for David Roth: nice one! http://www.cantstopthebleeding.com/?p=21308“
Fazerski, may I ask you why you keep reading and posting ridiculously absurd comments on this “sad site”?
Maybe you should do the site a favor and get fucked. There I said it. Peace, I’m out…
Oh, and great piece once again Randi. Keep it up!
Have you ever had a GOOD experience with this website?
Fazerski – have you ever been laid?
“Have you ever had a GOOD experience with this website?”
Yes.
“Fazerski – have you ever been laid?”
Yes.
Have you ever been to Haiti?
The first question was meant for the writer, not you.
Fazerski- You have contributed nothing in the way of constructive criticism to this website. In fact, you’ve clearly made a concerted effort in making yourself known, to both the writers and the readers, as “that asshole who defaces every article on FlipCollective.” This leaves most people asking themselves, “Why would somebody want such a title?” “What kind of twisted individual gets his jollies from hurting the feelings of others?” The majority of people ask themselves these questions because the majority of people have empathy. And a conscience. Two qualities that you seem to be lacking, which means that you are either:
A) a psychopath http://www.arkancide.com/psychopathy.htm
or
B) a sociopath http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html
I should probably pity you, because whether you are A or B, you are a lousy excuse for a human being and will contribute no more to this world than you have contributed to this website. But, I don’t pity you. Instead, I will welcome you to continue criticizing my writing, and the writing of my compatriots, if that’s what you choose to do. However, you should do so knowing that anybody who reads this comment will not only be privy to your innate lack of emotional normalcy, but will probably laugh at any cruel words you might feel the need to spout out from now on.
If my day continues to go smoothly, I might be charitable an abstain from posting this comment at the bottom of every writer’s piece. But, I wouldn’t get my hopes up. Perhaps you get your jollies from hurting your fellow human beings, but I get my jollies from exposing pieces of shit like you.
When I was little, there was a little fat kid who decided from the first day of meeting me that he was going to be my bully. He would spit gum in my hair, push me off the slides on the playground, fling boogers at my head, etc. This went on for years and I hated him. Then one day, in our senior year of high school, he admitted that he was in love with me. Naturally, I told him to kick rocks. The pushing and booger flinging was OK, but gum in my hair? That’s unforgivable.
Fazerski–> I feel like you’re the little fat kid of this website. Are you going to one day admit to these talented writers that they are indeed, talented, you big bully? (this question is rhetorical, but I get the feeling you’ll respond anyway since you spend a lot of time following this website that you despise so much)
Randi, I like reading about your dating stories. Please keep meeting these pathetic douchebags and telling us about them in your creative way.
agreed with kristin. i enjoy the funny dating stories as much as anything else on this website.
I had trouble loading this comment earlier, so here it is again.
Fazerski- You have contributed nothing in the way of constructive criticism to this website. In fact, you’ve clearly made a concerted effort in making yourself known, to both the writers and the readers, as “that asshole who defaces every article on FlipCollective.” This leaves most people asking themselves, “Why would somebody want such a title?” “What kind of twisted individual gets his jollies from hurting the feelings of others?” The majority of people ask themselves these questions because the majority of people have empathy. And a conscience. Two qualities that you seem to be lacking, which means that you are either:
A) a psychopath http://www.arkancide.com/psychopathy.htm
or
B) a sociopath http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html
I should probably pity you, because whether you are A or B, you are a lousy excuse for a human being and will contribute no more to this world than you have contributed to this website. But, I don’t pity you. Instead, I will welcome you to continue criticizing my writing, and the writing of my compatriots, if that’s what you choose to do. However, you should do so knowing that anybody who reads this comment will not only be privy to your innate lack of emotional normalcy, but will probably laugh at any cruel words you might feel the need to spout out from now on.
If my day continues to go smoothly, I might be charitable and abstain from posting this comment at the bottom of every writer’s piece. But I wouldn’t get my hopes up. Perhaps you get your jollies from hurting your fellow human beings, but I get my jollies from exposing pieces of shit like you.
Trolls like Fazerski can’t help themselves. They are addicted to the attention but if we all ignore them then they magically go away.
I agree with Kristin, keep having terrible dates so that we are entertained by the stories! J/K
Please don’t ever cancel your membership to jdate. Even if you meet someone and get married, I think these stories are hilarious and would like to see them continue.
(Wait, did I just say I liked to laugh at your dating misfortune? I suppose I did, but I think you get my point.)
randi…the more desperate the guys on jdate, the better the stories…
now….why aren’t you linking up some of these fools with each other? you know, give them each other’s phone numbes and let them go to town? now THAT’s revenge….
TPus- Oh, crap. I’ll blame my brother for that. He only played with Legos
Thank you for the compliment.
Taylor- Actually…not really. Well, not in a romantic sense, anyway. I did make a few friends though, which was nice. I definitely wouldn’t recommend JDate to anybody. I’d just suggest living the experiences vicariously through me
(And I’m glad you’re liking the stories.)
And to Corey, Kristin, Lee, and Native Minnow- Yay!…thank you for liking my stories.
randi,
you come off as annoying as adam does. if that was your goal, well done.
high road successfully averted re: fazerski as well.
pragmatism- Unfortunately for the writers on this website, “taking the high road” has been synonymous with “being force-fed hateful comments from an individual who chooses to be cruel, just for cruelty’s sake.” So if choosing not to tolerate such behavior means that I’m taking the low road, well…so be it.
i’m sure it won’t be this site’s or your career’s last troll experience. do you guys really wonder why someone would want to “deface” your articles as you suggest above? its the 700 lb. shirley karma monkey on your collective backs. rabbi hillel said, “What is hateful to yourself, do not do to your fellow man.” jesus espoused the golden rule. wiccans believe in the rule of three which posits that whatever energy you put out into the world, it returns to you three-fold. that’s why you have commenters asking if you will renounce what shirley wrote. its probably unfair to you to be painted with the same brush but people consider your silence consent. so stop with the pearl clutching and answer his questions or ignore him.
he has a valid point about your lack of editing. a cursory spell check would have caught your “Ritilan” mistake.
Nobody asked me to renounce what Paul wrote. I’m talking about a completely separate issue: one that started well before last Tuesday.
i disagree. he is asking you below:
Fazerski
Posted February 3, 2010 at 11:25 AM
Here’s a comment posted in a previous thread that’s applicable to you, Randi:
“Bad writing. Bad run on joke. Bad for you professionally to keep writing on this sad site. Really bad to see that nobody in this so-called collective either has the guts to rebut the poorly researched op ed screed that has been posted over the past week, and/or have their own name and content removed*. Is that some sort of ridiculous “editorial” move, or are you all in agreement? God, I hope for your sakes that it is the former**.
You would be so much better off as writers if you devoted your energies to unsuccessfully pitching pieces elsewhere rather than “happily” continuing to post here and pretend as if nothing happened.
*Except for David Roth: nice one! http://www.cantstopthebleeding.com/?p=21308“
This is the last response I’ll be writing to you, pragmatism, because you are failing to acknowledge my explanation that the comment I posted this afternoon was a reaction to months of unnecessary negative comments…not just the one I received today. So I will show you the same amount of respect that you’ve shown me and fail to acknowledge your point as well. Now we’re even. Have a good night.
Randi,
You’re right.
I’ve been meanspirited and distastefully harsh in my comments on Flipcollective. Rather than remind myself that actual human beings lie at the other end of these blogs and comment posts, I let the anonymity of the internet go to my head and didn’t pay you and the other writers here the basic courtesy necessary for communicating with other human beings. For that I, non-sarcastically, genuinely, and sincerely apologize. I am sorry. I really am. I promise I will not, ever again, under any circumstances, write another negative word about the substance of your stories. And, to the credit of Paul Shirley or whoever runs Flipcollective, no one has ever (to my knowledge) deleted or even attempted to moderate a single one of my posts.
However, let’s not mince words about the massive shit-star Paul Shirley placed atop the Flipcollective Christmas tree, in which he almost cackles with glee at the devastation that has killed, by conservative estimations, over 100,000 people – after all, according to Shirley, the earthquake in Haiti accomplished what condoms should have. It was simply large scale, sudden birth control.
The fact that Shirley urged people not to donate their aid to their fellow human beings in Haiti – as though the thousand of people who have died because they lacked food and the most rudimentary medical care were going to take their donation and spend it on helicopter rides and caviar – demonstrates, simply, a repulsive lack of basic humanity. That Paul Shirley could essentially dance on their graves before they were, well, graves – people are struggling to survive and haven’t yet had the luxury of burying many of the 100,000+ dead – is, at best, disgusting. According to Shirley, they’re just poor, stupid animals that are too stupid to know not to be poor. They are not human beings and do not warrant basic respect and empathy. We reserve that for real humans, according to Shirley.
This mass dehumanization of an entire group of people represents culture at its worst. We should excise such ideological pockets like a physician removing a tumor. This is not, of course, a free speech issue – I’m not in any way advocating that the Government jail Paul Shirley for his racist screed, in fact, I would defend the right of holocaust deniers, KKK enthusiasts, Paul Shirley, or anyone else who advocated dehumanizing a group of people, the right to voice their views free of Governmental interference. We have a right, and a duty, as a society to use OUR freedom of speech to stigmatize and denounce mass dehumanization. Shirley said he was “just trying to make people think.” Well, he succeeded – we thought about it, and we decided he’s a creep we want nothing to do with.
Let’s circle back to you. Here’s what I find disturbing – the biggest bee in your bonnet isn’t your colleague’s failure to recognize a nation of dying people as human beings, it’s the fact that an anonymous commenter on the internet was mean to you about your JDate stories. In your misguided delusion you call me a sociopath. (FYI – a sociopath and a psychopath are the same thing, check out the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) from the American Psychiatric Association, p. 645 ["Antisocial Personality Disorder"] for a discussion of the terms). I considered finding and quoting some of the horrific stories from the earthquake – women who were in hospitals in the midst of having c-sections performed when the earthquake hit dying the next week from infection because they were still open from the surgery, etc – but they’re too overwhelming. The complete indifference Shirley has shown the people of Haiti (”And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?”) dwarfs the scope of my sociopathy so completely that it’s insignificant. The fact that it takes an anonymous internet commenter (indeed, one of the “mean” ones) to point this out to you is not a good sign.
The massive irony of you criticizing me as someone lacking empathy and “a conscience” while remanning silent about him is shameful. He has shown not only no empathy, but outright hostility to the people of Haiti – where is your outrage at him? (Jew to Jew here: being vigilant of and speaking out against the mass dehumanization of a sub-group of people should resonate in our collective cultural memory). As someone else pointed out, the writers on this site define themselves as a “collective” – it’s your name, Randi Braun, that is affixed to each story you write here and to the masthead of the site itself. Your membership implies an editorial unity with the other members of the collective. What are you waiting for to speak out against Shirley’s screed?
Let’s be frank – Flipcollective isn’t going to be around this time next year. Even pre-Shirley’s Haitian swan song, this place wasn’t exactly a boomtown. I think I’m the only non-family member or non-personal friend of the writers that actually came here regularly. When it shuts down, you’ll ostensibly move onto something else. However, what will follow you is the choices that you made here while you were a member here. And, make no mistake, you have a choice now.
i acknowledge that there is more to this interaction between you guys. now will you answer his question? your silence and weak attempts to duck the issue speak volumes.
Dude, shut up. If you want to talk about Shirley’s story, go to the story and comment on it. It’s a website that is to be enjoyable and sometimes informative. Leave this girl alone and go bitch somewhere else. She didn’t write Shirley’s story, she didn’t comment on it, she sticks to what she is good at – writing something that is meant to make someone laugh. This isn’t CNN, this isn’t real journalism, it is merely a place for a handful of talented writers to gather, share their thoughts, and move on down the road.
Also, I do not know any one of these writers and comment on a handful of stories as I see fit. I’m sure there are others out there like me as well.
Anyway, she shouldn’t have to comment on the Shirley story. I, personally, don’t tie any one of these people to his thoughts on Haiti and nor should you. He is one guy, with one opinion.
taylor, you aren’t the arbiter of how people should comment on this site or the internet as a whole. when you publish something on a public forum with a comment section, its hard to feel sorry for you if you don’t like the comments.
its about integrity. mr. roth has demonstrated his. ms. j date is demonstrating hers by remaining silent.
Wasn’t even talking to you, but thanks for weighing in.
So if someone at my work say….cheated on his spouse, since I don’t agree with that sort of behavior I would be obligated to comment on it? I should go to every one of my co-workers and express my views on why I think it is inappropriate behavior? That is my obligation to seperate myself from such action? To voice my opinion on the matter, even though it has nothing to do with me in fear that I may be labeled as a cheater as well since I work at the same company? Your argument makes little sense.
“So if someone at my work say….cheated on his spouse, since I don’t agree with that sort of behavior I would be obligated to comment on it? . . . That is my obligation to seperate myself from such action?”
Nope.
However, if you were on the board of directors for a company, and that company decided that it was going to publically take the position that, let’s say, child sex-slavery laws should be repealed, then yes, it is your obligation to “separate yourself from such action.”
perhaps you should be more specific than “dude”?
But this Randi girl is not on the board of directors for this website, she is merely an employee. Now you and pragmatism are saying that she should speak out on SHirley’s comments? Contradicting thyself?
isn’t this a collective?
col⋅lec⋅tive /kəˈlɛktɪv/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kuh-lek-tiv] Show IPA
–adjective 1. formed by collection.
2. forming a whole; combined: the collective assets of a corporation and its subsidiaries.
3. of or characteristic of a group of individuals taken together: the collective wishes of the membership.
4. organized according to the principles of collectivism: a collective farm.
–noun 5. collective noun.
6. a collective body; aggregate.
7. a business, farm, etc., jointly owned and operated by the members of a group.
8. a unit of organization or the organization in a collectivist system.
Me thinks Pragmatism and Fazerski = one person
i assure you we are not. but nice reductio ad absurdum.
Wow. This is kinda ugly over here.
First of all, each writer’s work on FlipCollective is his or her responsibility. I do not expect Randi or anyone else to agree with what I write. And I do not expect myself to agree with what any of the others write. While anyone is within his or her rights to ask a writer to denounce the work of another, I think such behavior to be shockingly out of line with the principles of open debate.
Also, I recognize the motives of people like Fazerski for what they are. Most of us learned these principles in 2nd grade: it is possible to make oneself feel better by tearing down others. But in the long run, it doesn’t work out so well.
Thus, in a year, whether this site has continued or not, I like to think that the people who have stayed true to themselves, and who have worked TOWARD something – as opposed to working at tearing things down – will be successful in whatever they’re doing. That goes for writers, readers, and commenters. So, to those who would like to spread their negativity, please, keep doing it. It’s a good test for us. Some of us will survive, and some of us won’t. But that doesn’t matter to you – you will be forced to continue being who you are. And a few years of that sounds truly awful.
- Paul Shirley
agreed, dealing with these issues will make you both better writers. some editing will help ms. j date even more. but its disingenuous to demand that everyone ignore the ugly negatative trees you planted in favor of looking at your idea of what the forest is and then turn around and say you will dismiss comments because they are negative paul.
There is no board of directors because this isn’t a company. It’s a website. Where people write about whatever they want for people to read if they so choose.
Do you see any advertisements? Or links to paypal accounts? Do you really think this fictional board of directors has to answer to fictional investors? This isn’t CNN. It’s not even College Humor. None of the writers have an obligation to do anything.
oh yeah, and if you don’t like my comment, i’m just trying to make you think. its just so easy to say and means absolutely nothing.
For what it’s worth, I’m definitely not pragmatism.
Paul:
“it is possible to make oneself feel better by tearing down others.”
Seriously? Did I just enter some bizzaro world? Didn’t you also write this:
“Dear Haitians –
First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.”
Isn’t that virtually the definition of “tearing others down” (while they are already down, nonetheless)?
“While anyone is within his or her rights to ask a writer to denounce the work of another, I think such behavior to be shockingly out of line with the principles of open debate.”
So, engaging Randi in, well, open debate about your Haiti article is out of line with the principles of open debate? Strong work.
“I like to think that the people who have stayed true to themselves, and who have worked TOWARD something . . . ”
Good point. However, the question any of the authors here with a sense of humanity should ask themselves, after reading your unbelievably vile piece about Haiti, is “WHAT, exactly, are we working towards?” Hopefully they have a very different answer than you apparently do.
“But in the long run, [tearing others down] doesn’t work out so well.”
Do you say this because your termination by ESPN is a perfect and concrete example of that?
“But that doesn’t matter to you – you will be forced to continue being who you are. And a few years of that sounds truly awful.”
From http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/14/world/americas/14scene.html:
“It was hard to tell which was worse, the suffering of the dozens of victims behind the tall gate [at the medical compound], or the scene on the sidewalk outside.
One woman writhed on the pavement of the compound’s gate, her foot impaled by a piece of wood. A grandmother silently endured the pain of her right leg, twisted like a pretzel. Anesthesia remained a distant dream. Then there were the bodies — dozens, if not hundreds of them — starting to decompose under white sheets.
Some of the bodies strewn on the sidewalk had names scribbled on pieces of cardboard. “Regina” had died somewhere before arriving at the entrance of the private St. Esprit Hospital a few blocks from the Doctors Without Borders compound. No one there could explain who Regina was.”
No, Paul, that sounds truly awful. I guess it serves them right because their parents should have used a condom, right?
“But that doesn’t matter to you – you will be forced to continue being who you are.”
But you, however, will continue to CHOOSE being who you are – oafish, disconnected, and loathesome; a lord of your tiny skull-sized kingdom, alone at the center of all creation (to paraphrase another author).
Constant contradiction.
Fazerski/Pragmatism: too long, too boring too many big words to bother spending the time to read.
Jack,
You missed my point completely.
“Where people write about whatever they want for people to read if they so choose.”
It’s about the fact that all of the writers are not forced at gunpoint to be contributing members of Flipcollective. Like the writers here, we all have a choice in who we do and don’t associate ourselves with.
“Do you see any advertisements? Or links to paypal accounts? Do you really think this fictional board of directors has to answer to fictional investors? This isn’t CNN. It’s not even College Humor. None of the writers have an obligation to do anything.”
You almost disturbingly missed my point – the director in my example wouldn’t resign because he was worried about investors or revenue, but simply because he or she thinks that child sex slavery is morally wrong and that their choice to be on the board of directors for that company makes a statement about them.
Randi could contribute her stories to the local KKK newsletter. She could easily say, “Hey, I just write about whatever I want and people choose to read it.” She would be insane not to realize (as you don’t) that her very act of association is a moral choice.
Lee – I’m fine with you not reading any of this discussion. The grownups are talking, anyway. Run along.
Fazerski, after months of reading your nastiness, the fact that you are acting like the big humanitarian is making you look like an idiot. Are you a respectable human being or are you an asshole? Pick a side and stay there.
Its really not that much of a discussion I’m missing out on. You jump on most of the articles on this site and bash the authors for any reasons you can dream up. I imagine in an effort to get a response. If that happens you compose a long winded semi-coherent reply to further your trolling. I guess you have nothing better to do. Hey, what ever makes your day.
I probably shouldn’t have posted this as I am just feeding the trolls even more.
Hi Randi,
Thanks for your great stories! Please continue to write, and I will continue to read.
Danny
I can not believe for the life of me what I’m about to write, but, here goes. I agree with a lot of what Fazerski has written above. I do not agree with the way and manner in which he comments on many other writers’ works, on this site, in the past, but he did apologize to Randi, which was a surprise, and actually made some sort of sense with his purposeful degrading of others works. He actually brings a very contrarian view to the “debate” at times, especially in contrast to most of the commenter’s and writers found here. I am not related or know any of the writers and will continue to read the site, regardless of if I agree with PS, Fazerski, others or not. I enjoy reading Randi and a few others, and will continue to.
Fazerski, please continue to bring criticism and thought provoking idea’s as you see fit when commenting, but there is no reason you need to be a full on asshole while you do it.
After reading some more of his comments, after I wrote the above, I would like to retract my above statement, and substitute the following instead: “Fazerski, you suck.”
Danny- Thanks so much.
Mountain- Thanks for being a loyal reader.
And special thanks to those who defended me on this comment board.
Ok, generally I’m not one to get involved in these little wars of words but this thread has gotten a little long and ridiculous. First, and the writers are more than welcome to correct me if I am wrong, this site is for entertainment purposes. It was not created to be a writing seminar and none of the authors claim to be giving out instruction. The pieces are here for us to enjoy if you aren’t a fan why in the world are you reading? I’m not saying that people can’t have their opinions nor a voice but it has become entirely overcritical for ABSOLUTELY no reason. I am SURE none of the geniuses who are posting ridiculous comments (I’m looking at you Fazerski and Pragmatism) are editors otherwise you would not be wasting your time giving writing lessons on a MESSAGE BOARD! Unfortunately some people feel like a big person because they can anonymous post whatever they feel like. Regardless of my feelings on Ms. Braun’s writing capabilities she, and the other writers, have provided highly entertaining stories which, in my opinion, is the main goal of the site. It is true Mr. Shirley wrote a very controversial article but this is not corporate TV. It is not a commercial organization. The other writers are their own entities and IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER required to agree with/refute/respond to that article so shove it. If you have an issue with Mr. Shirley’s writing/opinions deal with him otherwise I suggest getting a life both online and off.
chad, i dipute that the pieces are here for us to enjoy. we don’t have to enjoy them. they are here to read. these guys put them out for public consumption. their control ends after they put it out on a site with commenting capabilities. your whining rings hollow.
that said, i do enjoy some of the writing here and have commented as such. others i don’t.
i also disagree that by remaining silent the other authors aren’t co-signing the other content. this is why i appreciatee mr. roth’s effort to maintain his integrity.
the other authors sure as hell benefit from being a part of this “collective” and glomming on paul’s traffic that gets sent here. to abandon the “collective” when things get negative further demostrate the collective douchiness contained herein.
is it really ridiculous to suggest the use of spell check when an author is going to publish something? am i asking too much of your heroes?
Damn, I can’t believe I just read all that.
Faz and Prag – Are you saying that it is the moral responsibility of other Collective writers to publicly state their personal opinions of Paul’s Haiti piece? A comment section is there for people that want to say something publicly, and will not ever be mandatory for every reader. I would say it is highly likely that they have in some way expressed their opinion to him, whatever it may be. If they want to keep it amongst themselves, then it is their choice to do so, just as it seems to be your choice to shit in everyone’s salad.
i’m saying that she is benefiting from paul saying such douchey things. with her silence she is co-signing. are you mad at mr. roth for disagreeing with paul and publicly stating it? she must like being painted with the same brush. whatever gets her more readers.