Shamefully, the birthday of America’s crucial 34th state has passed without even a mention in the State of the Union address. Not even a celebratory, “as we go to break” graphic on Oprah—who happens to share the same birthday as the Sunflower State.
Another beautiful Kansas Day, come and gone.
For the record, Oprah is 56 and Kansas is 149.
Thus, before next year’s unavoidable sesquicentennial buzz hatches, I thought I’d better further attach myself to the Land of Oz so as not to be labeled a “bandwagonist.” Of course, since the would-be popular trend is Kansas, the wagon would be less “band” and more “covered.”
Yes, Kansas is quite the rural happening. We’ve embraced “America’s Breadbasket” as a nickname. When we sing about ourselves, “Home on the Range” gets belted out in every chorus. And seldom is heard a discouraging word* about the Kansas State Reptile/topic of this piece: the Ornate Box Turtle.
*If, for whatever foolish reason, you don’t live in Kansas, you might not know those to be lyrics from the aforementioned “Home On The Range.”
You see, on the roster of life, I list Caldwell, KS as my hometown (I’m also 6’2”, 180 lbs. on that roster). Born there. Grew up there. Helped anoint the Ornate Box Turtle to state symbol status there.
The year was 1986. “The Money Pit, Chernobyl, and the Ornate Box Turtle,” is how most history books tell it. Prior to that year, the 1,300-person (or so) hamlet of Caldwell had yet to be known for anything beyond once having a JC Penney. Seriously. A JC Penney. I swear they still romanticize about that damn JC Penney to this day.
But in 1986, the JC Penney’s lore took a backseat to one small, green, ectothermic icon. Thanks to the insistence and persistence of a very determined Caldwell Elementary School, the Kansas Legislature—out of the sheer exasperation that can only be inspired by preteens—passed a bill officially naming the Ornate Box Turtle the State Reptile of Kansas.
I’ll admit, I’m not sure if all those words should be capitalized. But, dammit, they were at the time in the Caldwell Messenger (circulation: weekly).
Ours is a claim to fame on par with the World’s Largest Rocking Chair in Gulfport, MS or the Home of PEZ in Orange, CT.
Before you go assuming that my classmates and I were infected with some juvenile terrapin fetish, know that there was a grown-up leader of the crusade. I’ve committed zero amount of research to this stat, but I feel safe in reporting that Caldwell was blessed with the only 6th grade teacher/herpetologist in the area.
While most teachers took their students on field trips, Larry Miller took his on trips to fields, where they hunted snakes, salamanders, spiders, and anything else phobia-inducing. (My trophy catch was a horned frog, which in 6th grade adolescent jargon was referred to as a “horny toad.”) It was known throughout town that if you had a “critter” issue, summoning a 6th grader might be your most effective option. At that age I was still intimidated by the labyrinth that was a locker combination, but I could successfully remove a black rat snake from a breaker box.
Almost by design, it seemed like we would be rescued from anonymity, like Erwin, TN—the town that once hung an elephant, of course. We needed something. After all, right down the road was Argonia, KS—home of the country’s first woman mayor.
Sure enough, the heroic legislation pushed through by Mr. Miller, along with the subsequent Governor drop-by, gave Caldwell more than enough authority to label itself The Ornate Box Turtle Capital of the World. Catchy. Not as catchy as the Artichoke Capital of the World based in Castroville, CA, but then again we don’t grow much beyond wheat and soybeans.
But, do Caldwellians harvest the most abundant crop of Ornate Box Turtles on planet Earth? Probably not. There are likely just as many Ornate Box Turtles in Hooker, Oklahoma or Intercourse, Pennsylvania or Hell, Michigan as there are in Caldwell, KS. Their habitat is not exactly restricted to one tiny, Kansas berg. They’re like the Irish: all over the place. Hell (the regular one, not the Michigan one), the state of Wisconsin is teeming with them (turtles, not Irish…well, maybe both), but Caldwell snatched up the “Capital of the World” title first and Wisconsin is left with nothing but the World’s Largest Collection of Prepared Mustard in Mount Horeb, WI. Suckers.
I write of the Ornate Box Turtle as if it’s the crème de la reptile. The shelled creature is a turtle, for sure. But I’d hesitate to call it “boxy” and would not hesitate to call it quite “round.” And unless you define streaks of dull yellow on dark green as flashy then “ornate” may not be the best term for it, either.
Dull Round Turtle may be twice redundant, though.
Turtle title tattling aside, it’s a fairly ordinary reptile, which fits in with the rest of Kansas’s state symbols: the Western Meadowlark (bird), Wild Native Sunflower (flower), Cottonwood (tree). All are quite specific; however, all are quite ordinary. The Oasis Bordello Museum in Wallace, ID our attractions are not.
We’ve selected the buffalo as our state animal. Apparently, that move was made retroactive to “pre-buffalo-genocide” days that were well before Kansas’s 1861 acceptance letter, because there are none here now. For crying out loud, Kansas has a state soil. As a state, you make your own rules when it comes to denoting state people, places or things. Alabama has a State Horseshoe Tournament. Kansas could have contrived a state car, a state beer, or a state sexual position (Buffalo style?), but with all nouns at its creative disposal, Kansas chose a state soil. (It’s Harney Silt Loam, by the way.)
Understandably then, the Ornate Box Turtle could look like a rock star compared to its emblem brethren…if it weren’t for limestone—the Kansas State Rock—already holding the title of “rock star.” I’m guessing that was the thinking of the 1980’s Caldwell townsfolk who commissioned the painting of an Ornate Box Turtle mural downtown. Yes, giant turtle artwork adorns one of Caldwell’s tallest buildings. It has two stories.
Caldwell isn’t like Riverside, CA—home of the World’s Largest Paper Cup—where, at least, there is a college and the makings of some sort of urban sprawl.
My hometown doesn’t have a McDonald’s, but we’ve got a reptilian Rembrandt. In Caldwell, number of gas stations = number of turtle illustrations. One each. I’ve actually given directions using that thing. RoadsideAmerica.com even lists it as a “Sight.” There is one visitor post on the web page regarding the mural:
“You can’t miss it when driving north on Main Street. A lady at a small shop near the painting told us Caldwell is still the turtle capital.”
Thank God. And thank you, judy0475, for your patronage. Not sure which definition of patronage is in play here, but either way it’s powerful stuff.
This tops Agawam, MA and Congruity, PA—home to the country’s first zip code (01001) and the World’s Only Drive-Thru Strip Club, respectively. Golly, the Andy Griffith Museum in Mount Airy, NC would say “Shazam!” about the Ornate Box Turtle Capital of the World.
As mentioned, there once was a shop/museum devoted to the State Reptile of Kansas, complete with Ornate Box Turtle postcards, key chains, belt buckles, etc. But, in a town that couldn’t support a drive-in movie theatre, a turtle store didn’t make it, either.
And those photos—almost a generation old—of Gov. John Carlin signing House Bill 3113 into existence before a gym-full of students eagerly waiting to deliver on their well-choreographed program, those photos are getting grainier. I was only in the 3rd grade at the time—not one of the 6th grade glory hounds—stuck as a token sunflower in the play, the notoriety equivalent of being an extra in Lord of the Rings. Yet, still I felt and feel a part of it and delight in bringing up the Ornate Box Turtle, however easily “roast-able” it may be.
Someday the “ornate” colored paint will crack on the mural. Who knows if anyone will find the time to scale both flights of stairs of the Country Cottage building to rehab it? I fear the Ornate Box Turtle could succumb to the fate of the JC Penney (whose museum is located in Hamilton, MO, by the way).
So, I figure, shoveling out some recognition and reflecting back to our once great turtle power is the least I can do every January 29th. I know, it’s not just Kansas Day – President William McKinley had the birthday first. He only made it through 40 Kansas Days, though. (Too soon?) Tom Selleck and Heather Graham both turn a year older every January 29th only to still look the same age. And National Puzzle Day tries to butt in on Kansas’s territory. (For the record, so does Corn Chip Day.)
I have never maintained a residence outside the state of Kansas. I’ve lived two miles from Oklahoma. I’ve lived two miles from Missouri. But never beyond the borders of this ornately boxed-in state. People tell me there are other things out there; I refuse to believe them.
After all, I’ve got all that I need here: wind, nine different seasons, boatloads of Republicans to vote for, good basketball, a heavenly chain of restaurants called Spangles, the World’s Largest Ball of Twine in Cawker City, and my Ornate Box Turtle.
Sure, it was an overlooked contribution to an overlooked state. But it was my overlooked state, and I don’t want to hear a discouraging word about it.
I was the Indian Chief in that play as a lowly 4th grader in Ms. Latty’s class. Good times. Are you going to be getting your kids’ school fired up to do a 150th Kansas play? I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.
You know, when we were in school, there were four gas stations in town compared to the singular turtle mural. Those were the days. Nothing to do after school in junior high except walk down to the One Stop and play Arkanoid or some helicopter game.
Nice post. Box turtles are in decline throughout America. There are many simple steps that can be taken to protect your Ornates:
Never take a wild turtle home for a pet, or move it from its territory.
Plant native fruit trees and berry bushes.
Leave fallen logs, and/or create brush piles for them to hibernate in.
Watch for turtle crossing during nesting season.
Take them in the direction they are heading across a road.
Mow fields at 8″ or higher, and go from the inside outwards.
Turtles have an amazing ability to heal; hopefully a local vet knows about shell repair techniques. Also, should an unfortunate turtle be hit crossing the road, the eggs can often be successfully incubated.
These few simple steps can insure that Caldwell preserves its treasured co-residents.
My family has deep roots in Kansas, and when I was in college I was steps away from the border. It is a great state.
Yay Kansas!
(It’s my home state too.)
I want one of those t-shirts. And some of those glasses. (re: photo)
M.A.M., you should’ve been in the 3rd grade.
Patricia, thanks for passing along the tips. In my research (Googling) for this post, I learned that the box turtles were close to being endangered. I had no idea.
Paul, you smell like Topeka.
Matt, I’ll work on it.
Haaaaaa…Kirt looks gay. Rubbing up on Shane all seductive-like.
I remember when one of those turtles bit Lopez’s thumb and Mr. Petesch had to pry its mouth open with a pencil to get it to let go. Don’t fuck with Kansas. Even ordinary turtles are fierce thumb-biting ninjas in disguise.