Kids say the darndest things. Mine say the damndest. The following is an excerpt (the most ridiculous answers) of an interview I conducted with Aidan William Shaffer—noted 6-year-old Mario Kart champion, Kindergarten Casanova, post-bath-time naked dancer.
Otherwise known as the demon-seed spawn of my loins.
Aidan vs. Food
Aidan, turn down the TV. No. Turn it down or I’ll take that beef jerky out of your hands. Ok. What are you watching anyway? Chowder. That’s a stupid show. I know, that’s why I like it. Alright, we’ll start simple. What’s your favorite food? Poop. Aidan! Ok, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. Why? Because it’s made with peanut butter and with jelly. Makes sense, what’s the grossest thing to eat? Tomatoes, because they’re sour. Sour? Like lemons? No, lemons are good. Ok. Speaking of vegetables, why do you think onions make people cry? Because they’re very sour. What do you think “sour” means? It’s something that makes you growl.
Aidan vs. Religion
When did Jesus live and what did he do? Helped the world by making it. Creating the world certainly helped it out. He wanted everyone to live so he made the world. How did he make it? Magic. Jesus did magic? Yep. Where do you go when you die? Heaven. People heaven. Are there other heavens? Oh yeah. Dog heaven, horse heaven, alligator heaven, tiger heaven, hamster heaven, dog heaven, kitchen heaven, dog heaven… Wait, wait. Kitchen heaven? What’s that? Where kitchens go when they die. Have you ever seen a kitchen die? Yes. Was it sad? Yes. I believe you.
Aidan vs. Family
What do your parents do for work? You’re on the TV. Mom teaches kids. What does she teach them? Math. She actually teaches them all the subjects but, yes, math is one of them. I know. Shut up. What do moms do to get ready in the morning? Get dressed, eat breakfast, get socks on, blow-dry their hair, take a shower, take a bath… Both a shower and a bath? At the same time. Hmm. How many more brothers and sisters do you want? Nine. Wow, a whole baseball team. What would their names be? Bob, Fred, and Weeny. That’s it? Just three names for nine people? Yep. Where do babies come from? Bellies. Whose bellies? Moms’ bellies. How? Magic. Jesus Magic? Yes. I hope you’re good in school.
Aidan vs. Education
What’s the best thing about Kindergarten? You get to learn. Did your mom tell you to say that? Yes. What do you learn? About the Presidents. I’m pretty sure you learn numbers and seasons, but not Presidents yet. Yes we do. Ok, ok, who’s the president then? George Washington. Brilliant. I know. Let’s try again, who’s the president right now. Oh yeah, Brock Obama. Close enough. What do presidents do? They tell people what to do. ‘Bout right. How many states are there in our country? 100. Half of that. 90. I hope you’re good at sports.
Aidan vs. Pop Culture
What’s the Super Bowl? The greatest teams playing football or basketball or tennis. I hope you’re good at crime. What do grown-ups do on Facebook? They look at pictures of kids. Yikes, when you put it that way, it does not sound good. What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen? Twilight. What’s Twilight about? A vampire bites a human. What else happens in the movie? A lot of kissing. What do you think of American Idol? It’s so cool. What happens on it? Some people win, some people lose. Why do people lose? They’re bad at singing. What would you sing if you were on American Idol? “Oh my heart.” “Oh my heart”? What is that song? I don’t know. I just made it up. What’s your favorite TV show? Family Guy. Quiet, your mom’s in the room.
Aidan vs. Females
Do you like girls? Yes. How many girlfriends do you have? 100. What are their names? Kylee, Mckayla…and those are the only two I remember. It’s tough being a playa. Oh, and Charley. Is Charley a girl? Yes. Thank God. What about Keeley? I broke up with her. What did you say to her? I said, “I don’t want to make out with you anymore.” Jesus. Um, I don’t want to ask this. But what do you do with your girlfriends? Play…sometimes kiss. You’re six! Are you serious? [Smiling] Alright, who’s the hottest girl in the world? Kylee. No, actually, Carrie Underwood. Who is Carrie Underwood? A singer. What does she sing? “Oh my baby.” Not “Oh my heart”? No, I sing that.
Aidan vs. Numbers
How many hours are there in a day? 20. I’ll give that one to ya. How many days in a week? 7. Very good. How many months in a year? 12. Nice. How many minutes in an hour? 9. We’ll stop there. I pushed my luck. How many people in the world? 100. Seriously, Aidan? You think there are only 100 people in the world? Yep. Well, the census is coming up so I guess we’ll know for sure. How much money does it cost to buy a house? 199 bucks. If you only knew. How much to buy a car? Um, 1000, no wait, 21 dollars.
Aidan vs. The Supernatural
How does Santa Claus get in your house? Chimney. But we don’t have a chimney. How does he get in our house? He has to come in the door. What if our alarm is on? He magically goes through the door. Jesus Magic? Yes. What does Santa do in his offseason? He sleeps. The whole time? Yep. How long? 199 hours. The elves make the toys so he can. Who would win in a fight between Spiderman and Batman? Probably Spidey, because he has webs. Batman has weapons, too. Ok, actually Batman, because Batman can cut the webs. That’s what I thought!
Aidan vs. The Favorites
What’s your favorite color? Black. Why? Because it starts with a “b” and I love bees. Ok, what’s your favorite insect then? Spider. Are you in any “special” classes at school? [Laughing] What’s your favorite toy? Bakugons. You never play with those. I know, but they roll up into balls. Yeah, that is pretty cool. What’s your favorite word? “What the heck”? That’s three words. Oh. What’s your favorite chore? What’s a chore? Stuff we make you do. Wash the dishes. Aidan, have you ever washed the dishes? No, but I want to. Why would you want to wash the dishes? Because I get to touch the dishes. Touch the dishes? Oh wait, it’s because you get to play in the water, isn’t it? Yes.
Aidan vs. The Future
What do you want to be when you grow up? President…no wait, a worker that builds houses. You’d rather be a builder than the President? Yes. Considering this interview, it’s probably wise not to set that bar too high. What was your last dream? I got eaten by a dinosaur. What kind? T-Rex. Ouch. Yeah, he sunk his teeth into me. Wow, that’s a vivid dream. Did you wake up then? Nope, I stayed in his belly. Tough guy. Hey, when and where will you begin to grow body hair? Nowhere. Not even on your face? No. You’ll never shave then? No, because I like beards. Well, beards are facial hair. Oh.
Aidan vs. Deep Thoughts
What is the smelliest thing in the world? Your butt. I’ll give you one more chance to answer that. A cow’s bootie. For some reason, I’ll accept that answer. Why are some people bald? Because they get a lot of haircuts. Yep, if they could just shake that habit. Why do kids have to ride in car seats? So they don’t get killed. [Shaking head and laughing] That’s actually right. What I said was actually right. Yes, very morbidly accurate. What animal would you be if you could? That’s easy. A horse because they run very, very fast. Faster than me. That is fast. Why do grown-ups drink beer? Because they think it’s good. Is it good? Yes…I mean, no. Right answer. Do you know any brands of beers? White beer. You mean light beer? No. White beer and wine and chicken wine. Those are kinds of beer. I’m gonna need some after this interview.
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think you’ve just tapped into something here sir. I couldn’t stop reading, and had a grin on my face the whole time. the HTMLing part must have been a bitch.
Mick, I’m sure your ass smells a lot worse than a “cow’s bootie”. Don’t even kid yourself!
Apple didn’t fall far from the tree! Look forward to more Aidan insights.
loved it. favorite part is why he wants to do the dishes. c’mon, give the boy a chance!!
I’m with annick, I grinned the whole time, very good read!
Annick, the italicizing and bolding did suck. Oh, and we need a sitter. Interested?
Corey, that’s why I got so defensive.
Aimee, is this the aimee I think it is?
Jennifer, he is more than welcome to load and unload the dishwasher; however, I doubt he’d be into that.
Brice, thanks for being the only male that read this.
Demon seed spawn of your loins he may be, but my kindergartener displays significantly more attitude with her irreverency. I think it’s my wife’s fault.
This makes me happy.
You have to love kids. Here’s one of my favorite exchanges between my 7 year old and my ex-wife while I was visiting them a while back.
Her: You need to go pick that up.
Him: Oh my gosh.
Her: I told you to stop saying that. You’ve been saying that too much lately.
Him: Oh my gosh, Mom. Oh my gosh is just oh my gosh. It’s not a swearword. Look it up.
Loved it!
That was hilarious! Couldn’t stop reading! He definitely has your humor!
Loved this exchange. Could this be the next coming of “Shitmydadsays” only younger?
agree with sherry. now that i have a kid who just turned 3 months old, i’m starting to peek into the lives of other dads. this was a great look forward into what my life and mentality is going to be like in 6 years. thanks!
Scott, it’s always the wife’s fault. I’m pretty sure there are studies to back that up.
Kristin, you can have him for a week.
Native, that’s hilarious. It seems like there are hard and fast rules as to what’s a cuss word and what’s not. And they want to know the line…so they can cross it.
James and Amber, thanks.
Sherry, I’ve thought about that but assumed someone had already started it. Plus, I suck at Twitter.
sig, you spend two years teaching them to walk and talk. And the next 16 telling them to shut up and sit down.
M — just wait until he brings home, “Ten rules for dating my daughter” and tells you which ones he already broke.
sure, if you cover my transportation costs.
Priceless! Wish we had done these interviews with all you kids!! Aiden needs his own blog. Thanks for sharing.
Sherry, I’m hoping to have them adopted by then.
A, how far will $32.50 get you?
Deidra, from what I remember I was the perfect kid.