Overrated And Underrated: British Cuisine, by Annick Labadie

England’s food emporium has traditionally inspired low hopes, and lower expectations. It’s neighbor to the south, which usually dishes the equivalent number of calories while exciting quintuple the number of taste buds, enjoys a far better culinary status.

French cuisine >> English cuisine.

Accordingly, while thoughts of Coque au Vin get me salivating like Pavlov’s dog –and make me feel equally obnoxious, bangers and mash remind me that I should load up on protein bars. Am I exaggerating? Probably. At the very least, The Guardian’s food critic Collin Spencer would say so. He claims that British food is vilified as “heavy and unimaginative”. The bogus reputation emerged during World War II, when the country adopted rationing practice impeding flavor frivolity. But things have changed since then. My claim? Such a reputation is not bogus, and neither disparaging nor abusive. But perhaps the generalization comes on a bit strongly.

So this week, I explore Britain’s food & drink emporium. Does this dystopian kingdom of warm beer, frozen peas and lard really deserve its poor reputation? Do the locally recognized hot spots truly live up to their names? Or, have they, like Oprah, enjoyed heightened popularity mainly because the competition* sucks? You’re about to find out. Of course, dismissing Britain’s entire culinary industry as dreadful would be ridiculous. After all, England has Gordon Ramsey, abusive chef genius with good business sense; and Ian Flemming , inventor of vodka Martini lingo “shaken, not stirred”. Plus, London offers enough top end gastronomy to fill Patrick Bateman’s pocket book for a month. So, in the name of objectivity, here’s my conclusion: in a country where the food industry is highly polarized, some establishments are underrated, and others are overrated.

Underrated: Pubs
It would have been tempting to label them as overrated, but, regardless of their stellar reputation, pubs often surpass expectations. Perhaps Britain’s best contribution to the world, aside from the flush toilet and Viagra, is its pub. It’s not just the low ceilings, open fire, screechy hardwood floors darkened by years of ale absorption, or pungent smell of beer. This decor helps, but a quick read of Orwell’s The Moon Under Water reveals that the human element holds much importance.

There are about twice as many pubs in England (roughly 40,000) as there are NHS dentists (20,815 – as of 2008). Unlike in other parts of the world, and unlike the dentist’s office, the pub isn’t just your typical drinking hole. It’s the heart and soul of a community. 80% of Britons consider themselves as regular pub goers. If you’re in Oxford, you’ll find in them a few professors discussing Nature’s latest publication, undergraduates skipping afternoon classes, blue collars unwinding over lagers, tourists checking their travel guides to figure out what to order, old buddies going out on the lash (drinking lots), and the odd first date sat by the foggy corner window. With a few exceptions, the average pub targets a large population cross-section, welcoming proletariat and bourgeoisie alike. Some pubs are hip by design, sure, but only rarely will you find an unfashionable pub.

In fact, “Pub crawls” are likely popular because of this exact fact. Large groups trek from pub to pub all evening long, downing pint after pint. Each visited pub offers its quirk, its charm. It also offers cheap brew. Try Newcastle Brown Ale, or Bass, or many of the English Ales outlined here. A pint can often be purchased for less than a large coffee. And if you try and tip the barman, he’ll throw it right back at you. So, cheap is good. .

Aside from good ale, each pub may offer its warm welcome. Well, sort of. Dickens once described pubs as unruly drinking dens rampant with corruption. Though things have evolved since The Sketches by Boz, there still exists some truth in those writings. English men often have the sober emotionality of a common carp, but, by 8 pm, in a losing battle to heightened BAC levels, most locals turn a tranquil pub into its fitful post-sundown alter ego. Pub brawls are not as rampant as portrayed in the international media, but the atmosphere can get slightly antagonistic at times. All in all, pubs offer glimpses of Britain other places cannot.

So if you’ve been to the old country but haven’t seen the insides of a pub, you should have unscheduled a trip to Westminster or Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre, and visited The Bear Inn instead. Because without a pub visit, you haven’t really seen anything.

Overrated: Pub Food
The hype that surrounds the pub as an establishment has mistakenly been extended to its food. This is where I draw the line. Unfortunately for Britain, pubs are likely where the bad food rep takes its roots. They will successfully cook a “Sunday Roast”, sure, but anyone can stick a roast beef, potatoes and parsnip in an oven for five hours.

So, a context: Brits love to hate on North American fast food and it’s ghastly consequences. Obesity, diabetes, and The Biggest Loser, for instance. Ironically, in 2006, over 25% of England was estimated to suffer from the first condition in that list. Though I have no numerical proof supporting the statement, I’d be tempted to claim that pubs hold a large crux of responsibility for this predicament. Brits will thumb their nose at Pizza Hut’s infarct-in-a-box, opting instead for the pub’s slow-cooked equivalent. Fish and chips, bangers and mash, toad in the hole, and gravy with a side of steak & kidney pie. The flavorless food sits like a heavy brick in your stomach for 24 hours; and then sits on your hips for a lifetime. All of this, without the feeling of guilty goodness experienced when downing a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.

As general rule, stay away from pub food. And from the travel books that tell you what “typical British pub grub” you need to try. That stuff is overrated. Want the full British experience? Get some Chicken Tikka Masala from any Indian restaurant instead.

Underrated: Indian Food
Speaking of Tikka Masala, which has been declared by some as “Britain’s true national dish”. Indian food is underrated.

That is, with a caveat: Britons use the “but, look at our Indian food” rebuttal whenever they are accused of providing low quality cuisine. Ughh. Indian food isn’t underrated because it’s better than what Brits make of it. It’s underrated simply because, in a country where food is often unsavory, food of the Indian variety is actually tasty. The little Empire that controlled a quarter of the world’s population by 1922 took in a few good culinary lessons from its rule. Though not a huge fan of highly perfumed cuisine to begin with, Britain’s large expanse of quality Indian restaurant has proven slightly overwhelming. That being said, “Indian” is likely a misnomer, as Bangladeshi chefs run most kitchens. Guess Indians have learned from their old rulers too.

Typical Indian dishes, when met with British habits, have inspired new tastes along the way. Curry is now served with rice instead of naan bread. Coconut, yoghurt, almonds, red chilis and other Indian spices have slowly blended in with more traditional British meals. Generally speaking, Indian is the British equivalent of New York City’s Chinese takeout or California’s Mexican restaurant.

I generally hate to admit when Brits are right. Though I’ve tried my best to keep the bad rep on respirator for over a year now, I’m forced to finally make it official: Okay. You’re right Britain. Some of your food is grossly underrated.

Overrated: Gourmet Burger kitchen (GBK)
Where to start. The national pride associated with Indian food cannot extend to burger land. The GBK is an upscale burger joint overdressing a quarter pound of Angus Scotch beef with blue cheese, guacamole and other condiment options surpassing the realm of mustard, mayo and ketchup. It’s incredibly popular. The greasy burger made gourmet. Two things: first, such a concept is not innovative, and should stop being pitched in such a way. Applebees, of all places, has the Cowboy burger. Second, no restaurant where burgers are eaten with a fork can be underrated in my books.

Underrated: Kebab Van
Because most cafes and sandwich shops close at 6 pm, the quick evening hunger fix is not readily available. Until Kebab vans drive into town. In Oxford, big kitchens on wheels park themselves on side streets at around 8pm. Heavily accented men make you repeat your order for the hell of it. Others cook kebabs on the grill all night long. Vans offer fries (called chips), burgers of the non-gourmet variety, and chicken burgers, for even cheaper than it costs to buy a pint (or a coffee). And you get to eat those items with your hands. Bonus. Post-party hunger at around 2 am? Need a study break? Head over to the Kebab van, which is bustling with action until early morning.

All that being said, why the underrated status? In popular opinion (and even though people keep returning), such establishments are viewed as disgusting. They are about as hygienic as frat house toilet seats. But I’ll trade questionable sanitation for a good price and a tasty product any day. If this lowers my food critic credibility, so be it.

Overrated: Local sandwich shops
(Read: Harvey’s, Morton’s, Maison Blanc, Taylor’s and other overrated places.)

Ah, Europe. Some of us love the idea of a mustachioed man crafting a baguette out of homemade pesto, authentic pancetta, and goat cheese freshly fetched from under the glass parlor. I used to. The upscale sandwich experience holds its special appeal. Maybe it’s the quality ingredients. Maybe it’s the accompanying chips, deserts, and beverages sold there. Cookies that look like they’ve been baked and packaged inside grandma’s old Victorian house.

In England, as with the rest of Europe, local sandwich shops are abundant. As a result, we’re quick to set Panera Bread or Subway aside, getting down instead with local authenticity. I call bullshit. Grandma doesn’t bake anything anymore. Local shops are embedded in large supply chains. Shops like Maison Blanc, designed to look like your run of the mill neighborhood deli, are in fact large chains camouflaged under layers of fresh herbs, puff pastries and local specialties. Truth is, many sandwich shops lost all uniqueness to globalization a long time ago. I think they’re overpriced, and overrated.

The mustachioed man doesn’t actually make your sandwich. Pricey pieces of pre-made goodness are stacked over one another behind the counter, while the tomatoes slowly drench the bread. You’re lucky when such a store has more than five sandwich options. And if you insist on a custom made creation, some will provide the service. Select sundried tomatoes from the overpriced list of “extras”. Or, select tuna salad, also known as mayonnaise. Then cap out at three choices of vegetables, and pay more than you would for a warm meal. Good for you. You’re encouraging the “local businesses”.

This begs the question: who cares? A sandwich is a sandwich. Exactly my point. Why go to the gourmet sandwich store to get low taste equivalent of a Subway foot long, for twice the price? I guess everyone loves a mustachioed man with a dirty apron.

(A noteworthy exception: Oxford’s Olive’s is great. Too bad closes down from July to September, when the French owner goes on summer vacation.)

Underrated: Subway
I’ve obviously displayed my bias by now. The fact that everyone raves about local sandwich stores doesn’t irk me as much as the fact that those same people always hop on the Anti-American bandwagon, decrying the Capitalist fake-weight-loss food express that is Subway. On this side of the Atlantic, eating Subway is almost blasphemous. What’s wrong with it? It’s a shameless food tycoon, advertising itself as such. And I know, Americans aren’t very good at food making.

But again, I ask: what is so wrong with the proverbial five-dollar foot long? It’s made in front of you. You’ve got variety. Subway will even toast your sandwich if you want. Evil, I know. Three vegetables only? Nope. This isn’t World War II. If you want pickles, onions, olives, lettuce, carrots and tomatoes too, go for it. You like honey mustard? You also like mayonnaise, Southwest Chipotle, and barbecue sauce? It’s a free country.

Then, get your drink and your warm cookie made somewhere in a factory. Just like local eateries’ “organic cookies” were produced in some huge warehouse. Only difference: your tasty foot long, drink and desert cost you the same as a 4-inch baguette of local gourmet blandness.

It’s not that Subway tastes so much better. It’s that the local gourmet eatery doesn’t.

Now, The Guardian’s food critic Collin Spencer would probably disagree. I haven’t exactly painted a complete picture of England’s caloric consumption. Pub ales, Indian food, kebab vans, and Subway hardly cover the realm of England’s gastronomy. Of course, you can find mouthwatering food of every variety, if you know where to look.

But, nobody looks very far beyond the Pub’s Toad in the Hole before formulating a strong opinion.
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* Ricki Lake, Tyra