I have always been a cock. Everyone but the Chinese might think that means I’m an asshole, but to them being a cock (or a rooster, or a chook, depending on what part of the world you’re from) makes me deep thinking, capable, and talented, but adventurously timid—meaning I’ll go on an outback hike in Australia, but be silently rethinking my choice and praying no snakes get in my way.
The Chinese are surprisingly right about me, but are they right about you? I bugged a good friend living in China’s most metropolitan city to spill the beans on what the Chinese really think of everyone else.
She’s just survived their biggest celebration: Chinese New Year. The equivalent to Western Christmas in terms of celebration level.
A little background first.
I’m a Cock because I was born that way, and every 12 years, thousands of more cocks are born. This year, the Chinese Zodiac told parents that if their children were born on February 14th or later, they would be popping out a rebellious, “everything is about me” kid complete with nasty temper tantrums…otherwise known as Tigers.
The Chinese New Year is a super big deal. . .
If you are Chinese.
My friend is not.
To the Chinese, Diana Gordon is a dog, which makes her perfect for this interview. To me, she’s one of those crazy Americans who is infectiously funny and whose passion for life rubs off on you. I like how the Chinese pinned her: loyal and honest, but known to have a sharp tongue.
Originally from Alaska, she ventured to Shanghai, China to see how the other half of the population lives. She gave me the scoop on what the Chinese think about the rest of the world…and what she thinks about them.
TG: What’s New Years like in China?
DG: Even though I speak just below basic Chinese, I know enough to get the gist of what everyone is shouting. Here in Shanghai strangers start behaving outgoing to everyone, which is definitely NOT common during the rest of the year. (Picture New Yorkers smiling and yelling “Happy New Year” to everyone.) They set off fireworks from the night of the 13th through until, hmmm…I don’t know because they are still going every night.
TG: 2010 is the year of the Tiger. Does your animal “totem” take on a great significance now that you’re living in China? How many people pay attention to that sort of thing?
DG: Surprisingly, my animal totem (the dog) has a lot of connections to my personality as a kid, but you could make that work for most of the animals.
Although the Chinese laugh at some of our Western beliefs like carbs make you fat and that beating your children is NOT a good thing, here is another of their superstitions:
Being wet during cold weather will make you sick. This is why many Asians do not go swimming (even indoors) during the winter. They are too afraid of sickness.
I find this ironic, since a stroll through a commercial grocery store in their most Western City lets me sample the not-so-savory smells of rotten eggs (they don’t refrigerate them); pork cuts aging in the dry, communal air which displays all the pig anatomy without the nuisance of having to open a cold refrigerator; and my favorite—baked goods that mix dough and meat together and that are put in loose plastic and left out in the warm air to breed bacteria for days on end.
That’s my idea of sickness, but only from a Western perspective.
TG: What are other stereotypes you’ve noticed should be broken?
DG: How about: All Asians are skinny and short.
A lot of the kids are fat here now. It has more to do with the parents forcing the kids to eat more because they see it as a sign of health. These are parents and grandparents that were starving at that age.
Another stereotype: Asian children are smarter than anywhere else because of their skills in math, which they are naturally better at.
Asians spend a ridiculous amount of time studying. It looks bad if an Asian works a job while in school. They are not supposed to. They are supposed to study, study, study, at the expense of all other aspects of their lives. They do not try and become well-rounded. This is why the Chinese are so immature and lack social skills in their teens and young adult life. They have no experience in those areas.
Also, the Chinese believe that all Americans and most Australians are fat. They do not believe I am American because I am not the right size. Lately, they have decided I am Italian.
Recently, a Chinese man explained to me that they are not fat like Americans because they use oil to “chase the fat away in meat.” They do this by cooking meat (frying) at just the right temperature so that the meat fat is brought out of the meat and then the oil and meat fat are drained off.
TG: Savory…
DG: They love fried food here in China as well as starch, which KFC figured out quick. I’ve never seen a KFC over here that isn’t just packed with Chinese.
Their thinness is not from KFC, although I would love that ad. KFC could definitely prove that many Chinese are staying thin eating fried chicken and custard pies.
Their thinness can be attributed to incredibly small bites and even slower chewing. A meal can commonly go on for three hours here, and that’s just chewing time.
TG: Besides falling asleep or dying of boredom during a meal in China, you mentioned potentially hazardous firework displays during the New Year, (i.e. small children lighting explosives in the middle of busy streets)…What other notable things have you seen?
DG: These aren’t necessarily festival related, but I see some pretty weird things throughout the week.
Parents bundle up their children in these ridiculous snowsuits that look like arctic outerwear for 4-year-olds because the cold scares them. The best part is the suit has a large hole in the crotch in case the kids need to use the facilities. And by facilities I mean street. Yes. Parents will even hold the girls in the air so they can pee better.
A mother is not allowed to shower for one month after giving birth and must stay away from cold foods, watching TV, and other strenuous activities to keep her from catching any sicknesses. The idea that hygiene and sickness may be related has not yet caught on here.
Or that cross contamination of raw meats and other foods leads to sickness.
Safety is not a priority. I see laymen working on rooftops 100 feet high wearing flip flops and no safety ropes. The sidewalks and walking areas are like obstacle courses. You have to keep your eyes on where you are walking at all times to avoid breaking your ankle.
Thankfully, I am, like many Westerners, more interested in watching who is spitting (the Chinese spit all the time) than paying attention to where I walk. I’m about two more drop-offs away from being crippled, but who’s counting?
I came up with the theory that since the Chinese spend all their time sitting between chewing their food and working on math, they have to make the sidewalks bumpy to help their coordination. I like to think of the roads like a Bosu ball, constantly testing your stability. This might be how they get any and all of their sports coordination, which is definitely lacking.
TG: So besides free-falling saliva and jagged sidewalks, have you had any other dangerous encounters?
DG: You might be tempted to try some food that the Chinese have put on sale, but think about this first. The Chinese don’t believe they need to put anything on sale. That’s not what they do.
They believe that in the city of Shanghai, people will buy at any price because there are so many people. They are good at ripping you off. That is all they know. So when you see a sale on chicken, or vegetables, the food is probably three weeks old and contains some weird element like aluminum.
I say three weeks because old meat is a little out-of-the-norm. A week old is still considered top dollar.
Advertisements are in Chinglish, even for bigger Western Brands. I’ve assumed that the Chinese won’t understand what the signs are about if you use the correct words.
Here is a Chinglish example I saw recently:
Krispy Kreme Slogan:
Doughnuts & Coffee
Always Best Partner
These are some popular ones from Shanghai Expat:
“Little grass is smiling slightly, please walk on pavement” — in a Beijing park. I wonder where you’ll need to walk when the grass smiles strongly?
“Please keep your legs” — next to the escalator. Yes, we wouldn’t want anyone else walking off with them!
“Reduces signs of premature senility” — on a bottle of face cream. This could be handed out to most of the world’s parliaments, for a different kind of smear campaign.
“Don’t forget to carry your thing” — in the back of a taxi. Heaven forbid leaving your ‘thing’ behind. Best to keep it in hand at all times.
“To take notice of safe. The slippery are very crafty” — sloped entrance to mall opposite Beijing Railway Station. Yes, make sure you’re safe, these crafty slipperies are everywhere.
“No fight and scrap, no rabble. No feudal fetish or sexy service permitted in the park” — at the Ming Tombs. Well, I guess you’ve never had a fetish until you’ve had a feudal fetish.
“Those who are drunk, sick or below 1.1m are forbid to take part in suck game!” — at the entrance to a Beijing park. I guess if you’re tall, healthy and sober you can suck away?
TG: Wow. What other events and/or spectacles have you seen while in China? Any unexpected experiences that stand out?
DG: Every now and then you see a fight. Either an adult beating on a kid, or two old ladies going at it. Shanghainese speakers sound like they are fighting anyway so its always nice when they finally take it to blows. I can only stand so much yelling and spitting in a conversation before I want something more to happen.
Like as mentioned before, spitting (besides during speech) is really common here. Someone will spit a fatty right next to your shoe like it’s no big deal. I was at a meeting at an International School once, listening (pretending to listen) while the Chinese people in my department were going over some details. The guy on my left decides he needs to spit mid sentence and hawks a lugie on the carpet, and then continues his conversation. What’s carpet for if not to spit on?
TG: Have you developed claustrophobia since moving to a city with 22 million people?
DG: Surprisingly, I have not yet gone crazy. Or maybe that’s the problem. I’ve gone crazy and can’t recognize it. That would explain why I can be surrounded by people who I can’t communicate with and still make it through the day. I try to stay in one place for a few hours to avoid getting overwhelmed. Transit times are the worst.
You get here and everyone pushes and cuts in line and they do it without complaint to each other. But what you find here is that a lot of the Chinese want you to take a stand because you are a foreigner. They can’t do something to draw attention to themselves or say that something isn’t fair, so they are pretty excited if a foreigner does it.
Being in China teaches you to make sure you get what you want because everyone out there is going to try to charge you extra, short change you, cut in line, and waste your time.
You learn to make a scene and enjoy it.
TG: Besides learning how to stand up for yourself, what else brought you to Shanghai? What are the most notable comparisons from where you used to live?
DG: I came to Shanghai to work for an International school. They will tell you anything to make a sale or hire you, and will not follow through. The common term is “Welcome to China.”
Things that stand out: Hygiene and food. You never know if what you are eating is safe. They say don’t eat a fruit if you haven’t peeled it. Don’t eat out of season, and don’t eat anything that looks different or enhanced. They just think about selling—not the long term consequences. The water here is not safe to drink, and most of the produce can’t help but be tainted by chemicals from factories.
There are no laws to protect your consumer or labor rights, really. They’re trying, but these people are so used to just going with the flow and getting screwed. Many of the Chinese have stories of the government coming in and taking their homes away.
Here, you can sign up for a year membership to the gym and the next day the gym will be gone and there is nothing you can do about it. Never pay ahead here. Buildings go up and down so fast. You can’t even get directions that easy from people on the street because everything is changing so fast.
TG: How was your transition, then?
DG: When telling Russian friends I was coming here, they all said “No! No! The Chinese are a horrible people.” When coming to a place this crowded, even though it’s the most Western city in China, it’s hard to get over the concept that a people could really be in the habit of cheating you all the time and yet also put up with being pushed around all day.
The driving is out of control as well. Although it’s the law to yield to pedestrians, the Chinese follow the principle of size. Whoever is smallest yields. Buses don’t stop for red lights if they think they can make it. It seems that Shanghai culture is really materialistic. The Shanghainese are stuck up because they made money off the real estate boom. They have the idea that if they have a car they are better than the other Chinese. I think oil consumption is going to be a big problem here as more money flows in.
Many of the people are kind and generous, but it takes time to get to know these people.
TG: How’s the living situation? I’ve heard that there has been some reform with housing, so that there are fewer quadrangles (compartment-style living). What have you seen?
DG: They do pack a lot of people into small spaces. You don’t realize that there are 22 million people here because one building will be holding 10,000 of them. There’s still a lot of open space here in China. They just cram people in the city limits. The government controls what goes up and what comes down, so if they think something needs to go, it goes.
They’ve done an amazing job cleaning up the city, but at the expense of their history. They seem to think that modern is better so they tear out entire blocks and then put new ones up. They build everything with concrete and don’t use insulation. It can be 50 degrees outside and 35 degrees inside.
The government likes to hide things. Check out phone booths in the area—that’s where the homeless people sleep when they are able to escape the government round-ups. They clean up the city by moving anything unsightly behind a walled enclosure.
The buildings are still packed tight, but it’s improving. Green space is at a premium. They charge you to use everything here. Tennis courts, tracks, basketball. Everything costs.
TG: Supposedly ice cream was invented in China around 2000 B.C. In your opinion, what’s the rest of the food like there?
DG: That seems odd that ice cream came from here. They just started eating cheese in the past couple of years. They don’t do a lot of milk here. I guess we can thank the Chinese for starting something that everyone else in the world improved on (the local ice cream tastes like liquid cardboard).
The food is Asian. If you like noodles and rice, oil, pork, chicken, duck, and innards, you will love it here. The food is pretty heavy; most of the calories come from oil.
I enjoy a dumpling and other signature dishes they make here, but not too often. Like I said before—you never know what you’re eating.
TG: How was working as a teacher? And were there any surprising differences with the employer/employee relationship?
DG: Working for the administration was culture clash. Westerners tend to be open and straight forward more so than Singaporeans. The middle management was out of this world. I could not talk to anyone who could make a decision on their own. By the time they took your message to the right person, the intensity behind it was lost and it was easy to ignore.
TG: Tell me more about the landscape. I’ve heard that you can never see the sun through the pollution in China. True or False?
DG: I didn’t see the sun for the first month I was here, but I see it a lot now. The World Expo is being held here, and they put a lot of regulations on pollution to clean it up to the event. So False for now, and the sun will probably disappear again after the expo.
The government is working really hard to make China out to be something that it’s not. They don’t seem to care much about heritage right now.
TG: So, when you want to escape all the spitting math students in Shanghai, where do you go?
DG: In China: Beijing, Xian, Hong Kong, Sanya.
TG: What sites would you recommend to a first-time visitor? What would you warn them about?
DG: Go to Beijing and see the Great Wall. I would have liked to take the train out to Tibet and gone to Xiamen to see some of the more beautiful areas of China. Don’t get stuck just seeing city; although, if you come to Shanghai, go to the Financial Building and see the view from the top. Amazing.
Also, talk to the security guards and the laypeople. These are the Chinese that you hear about, the ones that are respectful and kind.
A tip that will get you far in China is don’t ever pay someone that approaches you for a service. It’s a scam or a rip off. You need to find what you want. China is a great place to lose your shirt.
TG: According to Chinese legend, long ago if you betrayed the secrets of making silk, you would be killed… Have you heard any other stories or legends you’d like to share?
DG: Yeah… I Chinese, I play joke, I go pee pee in your Coke. I would not doubt that if someone said peeing in drinks would make them sell better…
The Chinese set off firecrackers during the New Year to keep away demons. From the sounds of it, there are a lot of demons in China.
TG: If you could do it again, would you move back to Shanghai, demons or no?
DG: I’ve enjoyed learning more about what I can tolerate and what I can’t. I wouldn’t trade that experience, but I would have left my job sooner if I could do it again. There’s no time to waste living outside your vision. Life’s too short not to do the things you dream about.
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Confusious say: One who stand on toilet, high on pot. One must be to enjoy all the “well-aged”, deep fried foods.
What is the festive dish in the year of the dog or cat?
Confucious say man who walk through airport sideways is going to Bangkok
Great interview! I really love her last quote too.
Seriously, though, Hong Kong’s a clean city by Chinese standards and I couldn’t even see the sun there.
Wow, as a Chinese-American, I can say that this is a pretty racist article. Between this and the Paul Shirley Haiti post, I can say I will not be returning to this website.
There’s nothing wrong with a little satire. If you took a group of Chinese tourists and asked them to write down their observations of the US, it would probably be equally funny and obviously skewed, but not racist.
I’ve heard eggs don’t need to be refrigerated. That makes me wonder, how long does it take before an egg goes rotten?
Maybe that is more of good surprise, if your egg is rotten instead of just an egg?
Ha Ha. Good one Hank. The Chinese insist that they don’t eat dog or cat, and I’m not one to do a taste test. But at least the Koreans fess up to it.
Next time your hungry for Garfield and Odie, you can find either one of them clearly labeled on the menu at a Korean restaurant here in China.
Clark, you dumbass. I’m Chinese and I don’t find it offensive at all. In fact, more truthful and entertaining, than anything. Lighten up, dummy, and no one cares if you stop visiting this or any other website. Oh, and Happy New Year.