My name is Matt Shirley. And this is my life, in numbers.
Sports
Percentage of goal attempts stopped as pee-wee soccer goalie: < 15%
Number of days I was awesome at gymnastics: Zero
Number of times in high school someone asked me before a basketball game, “Are you going to dunk tonight?” and I didn’t want to punch them in the throat: Six. (Sometimes cute girls would ask me that question. I was just psyched they were talking to me.)
Number of lifetime game-winning shots: Two
Greatest height cleared in high jump: 5’6” (questionable memory here)
Greatest distance jumped in triple jump: 40’4”
Number of times I threw up after the 4X400: Six
Number of times I triple jumped off the side of the pit and destroyed my knee on the concrete: One
Percentage of shot attempts that were dunks in college: > 55%
Number of Syracuse fans who thought I was a skinny, pale, no-talent, cowpoke, asshat: 25,000
Number of times I’ve slipped on my pants and eaten shit during college basketball warm-ups: One
Travel
Percentage of times I thought Disneyland sucked: 100%
Number of times I vomited peach yogurt in a rental car: One
Percentage of times I’ve wanted to hear about the stranger next to me on the airplane’s cats: Zero
Number of hot strangers I’ve sat next to on airplanes: Zero
Number of times a guy told me about meeting the love of his life at a high school reunion and then showed me the love letter he was writing to her on an airplane: One
Number of foreign countries I’ve been to: Nine
Number of foreign countries I’ve liked: Seven (Suck it, Spain and France)
Schooling
Number of lopsided baseball card trades in elementary school: 60
Number of periods in middle school: Eight
Number of periods in middle school where I was scared of girls: Seven (girls aren’t as scary when you’re beating their asses at badminton)
Number of actual assignments completed in high school geography class: One
Number of words I exchanged with my freshman roommate: 177 < x < 290, where x = words.
Number of sex tapes released while I was at Colgate: Two
Percentage of sunny days in upstate New York: < 4%
Number of times I changed majors: Two (Biology -> Economics -> International Relations)
Number of days graduate school was more difficult than undergraduate school: Zero
Number of useless degrees earned: Two
Love
Number of days my first relationship lasted: Seven
Number of times I talked to ‘girlfriend’ during said ‘relationship’: One
Number of days I was devastated after ‘girlfriend’ broke up with me for what was thought of as ‘no good reason’: 28
Number of girls kissed before age 15: Zero
Number of girls who have said ‘I love you’ to me within two weeks of meeting me: One (yikes)
Percentage of girls I dated whose mothers liked me: 0%
Work
Number of hot tubs I’ve dusted at Family Pools and Spas: > 10,000
Number of hours wasted at South & Associates Law Firm: > 1,200
Number of shaving cream pies I’ve taken to the face for not beating my brother Paul in one-on-one at Iowa State basketball camp: One
Number of abortion arguments I started as a substitute teacher: One
Number of times I said the word ‘shit’ in class as a Spanish teacher: Four
Number of times I showed “Billy Madison” during finals week as a Spanish teacher: One (and that movie is a lot dirtier than you remember)
Number of days I’ve wanted to be a zookeeper: 10,524 (all my life plus my days as a fertilized embryo)
Family and Childhood
Number of boogers I accidentally put on my brother Paul’s front tooth: One
Percentage of backyard basketball games that ended in injury: 88%
Percentage of childhood activities that ended in me crying and my two older brothers trying to get me not to tell mom: 95%
Number of times I showed off my ability to go cross-eyed in home videos: 185
Number of coffee tables I sleep-peed on: One
Number of times I listened to Ace of Base songs on cassette tapes: > 500,000
Number of times I faked sick: ~ 25
Total number of golf courses, shoes, and videogame characters designed as a child: > 400
Number of days straight I cried when our dog Jessie died: Seven
Rank as favorite son: Fourth (out of four)
Number of punches taken from my brother Dan: One
Number of times my parents called me by Tom, Paul or Dan: > 10,000
Miscellaneous
Number of days I’ve known how to correctly spell the word ‘liaison’: Two (the last two)
Number of times I’ve been to a strip club: Zero
Number of times I’ve been in a real fistfight: Zero
Number of times I’ve smoked a cigarette: Zero
Number of years I’ve been a square: 28
Number of days I thought Evanescence was cool: Sixteen
Percentage of things on this list that will eventually come back to haunt me: ~ 40%
Number of pictures in this post that are actually of me as a baby: One (Thanks, Mom.)
Tweet
number of expected replies > 1
I remember yacking at least twice after the 4×400 in high school, I loved that race.
As a fellow teacher (now retired after 4 years)I remember my education classes as being godawful boring wastes of time.
I can’t believe only 25k Syracuse fans thought you to be an asshat. The Carrier Dome holds a lot of people.
“girls aren’t as scary when you’re beating their asses at badminton”
QFT
Ha Ha Ha! That was hilarious! Ace of Base WAS awesome!
Can you talk about the zookeeper thing? That’s something we try to do on our own five acres. If it is so near and dear to you, was there a plan in some form. (nothing like living with an ostrich)
audreyandchuck.com
p.s. favorite stat is 55%
Number of days I’ve been a fan of FlipCollective = how ever many since the day it was created! Good stuff.
Other than not liking Spain…what’s not to like?! ¡Viva España¡
Lee – You’re insane. The 4×4 is the worst race ever invented. Was it last at your track meets too? Everyone else got to go home and I got to stick around to run a torture race, get on a bumpy bus homeward, and yack in some 5 gallon bucket.
Mick – The C-dome holds a lot more for football than for bball. I looked it up. And I figured we didn’t exactly draw a capacity crowd.
James – You’re going to have to translate QFT for me. Quit Fucking Typing?
Robbie – I’ve had some tough experiences there. And Spanish food is terrible. Neither your fault.
Los otros – Gracias para leer.
QTF= quoted for truth.
its called google.
The 4×4 was always last as well. The coaches usually gave me a choice between the 4×4 and the 2 mile which was 2nd to last. 1 lap vs 8 laps did not make for a tough decision.
Also…you’ve really never been to a strip club? Even I’ve been to a strip club!