Word Probation, by Paul Shirley

In his stand-up routine, the comedian David Cross does a bit about the misuse of the word “literally”.  He refers to a conversation with a kid who says, “We laughed so hard we literally shit our pants.”  Cross asks the kid what they did.  Confused, the kid responds, “What do you mean?…dude, I was laughing.”  Cross retorts, “No, you said you literally shit your pants.  What did you do about your shitty pants?”

None of us speaks correctly, all the time.  We say “impotence” when we mean “impetus”.  We ask for nuts when we want bolts.  We forget which one is marinara sauce and say “the red one”.

The occasional verbal faux pas is forgivable.  I can handle an overexcited “The thing was literally 10 feet tall!”  I’ll make fun of the user, but I won’t defriend him on facebook.  True vitriol (read: me thinking, “I’d rather be dipped in Drano than have to continue this conversation”) is reserved for the girl I meet at a club – the one who misuses literally twice in one sentence.

“I literally wanted to die because he literally wouldn’t stop talking.”

Unfortunately, Kaitlin or Heather or Meredith has done the rest of the world a disservice.  Because of her misuse of one word, I’m attuned to look for overuse of that word.  And then it’s added to a permanent watch list, similar to the one used by airport security for men with beards and surnames with more than six vowels.

So, “literally”, I’m not banning you completely.  But I am going to watch you carefully.  And, at the slightest provocation, I’ll strip you to your undershorts and humiliate you.  You and the rest of these words and phrases that drive me crazy…

Clearly

No, Mr. Television Anchorman, using “clearly” does not help you sound smart.  Iran is not “clearly” trying to provoke the United States by placing its nuclear facilities out in the open.  It “might” be trying to do so, but the only way it would be “clearly” doing such a thing is if it wrote a sign on the outside that said, “Just to be clear: We are doing this to provoke the United States.”

Granted, there is a time and a place for the word clearly. But because so many people who aren’t that smart keep using it so they can sound smart, that time and place consists of “before now” and “not within earshot of me”.

It is what it is.

This phrase – more than any other – is the one most likely to provoke homicidal feelings in me.  I contend that I was around for the genesis of its overuse:  Los Angeles in the mid-00s.  I was in LA to make a television pilot.  Whenever something would seem obvious or insurmountable, some uncreative lackey would say, “Ah well, it is what it is.”  I get the intent: he was trying to express that there was nothing we could do.  But he probably should have just said “Ah well, there’s nothing we can do”. The phrase he used is so inane, so meaningless, and so unnecessary that it literally (!) means nothing.  I don’t go around saying “That chair is a chair” or “I drive what I drive”.  I don’t say those things because they’re pointless phrases.  Just like “It is what it is”.

Retarded

At the same time that I was being marinated in usage of “It is what it is”, my fellow show-creators did a final reading of the script of our pilot for studio executives and other assorted brainless peons.  One of those peons was in charge of “Standards & Practices”.  The next day, he sent us a memo noting all the potentially offensive remarks we made.  (In addition to telling us we needed more black characters.  Because 9 out of 12 on a basketball team wasn’t enough.)

With a draining feeling, we read something like the following:

“Use of the word ‘retarded’ is offensive to mental health community.  Please remove.”

We were sad for two reasons.  We were disappointed comedically; we thought “retarded” fit quite well where we had it.  And we were disappointed intellectually; we had no idea that being retarded was similar to having schizophrenia.  We thought it meant that the person wasn’t very smart.

I don’t object to the use of the word retarded because I think saying it is offensive.  I object to saying “retarded” because it’s been used too much.  Get a new word.  Idiotic, for example. Or moronic.  Or imbecilic. Or dumb. Or autistic.

(Unless, of course, someone around you is being really retarded.  Like Kids On The Block retarded.  Then I understand: your hands are tied.)

Douchebag, Doucherag, Douchelips…Anything containing the word “Douche”

I used them too.  And it was good.  They’re fun to say, they get the point across quickly, and there’s no one to offend – as far as I know, douche is neither a profession nor a handicap.

But it’s gotten tiresome.  Exercise those creative neurons.  Find new ways to deride your friends.  Do what Mick Shaffer and I do.  At the beginning of our phone conversations, we try out a new name.

Mick: Hey rectum spelunker.

Paul: How’s it going, scrote wrinkle?

I know, it’s juvenile.  I’ll probably regret even writing such lame name-calls; obviously, we’re not there yet.  But like a team of monkeys in a room full of Mac Books Air, eventually, we’ll come up with something great.

Just because we haven’t yet doesn’t mean everyone should keep calling people douchebags.  Go with an old standby.  Like “asshole”.  Until Mick and I come up with something better.

Unbelievable

I have seen two unbelievable things in my life.  One happened when I was four.  I was climbing out of the bathtub while my six-month old brother Matt was lying on his back as my mother dried him off.   As I grabbed the towel that was being offered to me by my father, I watched Matt pee in his own ear.

The other is this dunk by Tom Chambers.

I can believe pretty much everything else.

If you’re searching for a superlative, try “remarkable” or “jaw-dropping”.  Even “amazing” will do.

Just don’t say “awesome”.  Because if I had room, it would be on the list too.

Bro

Don’t call people “bro”.  Unless you’re Patrick Swayze.

It’s All Good

I know, you thought this one had gone out with the Backstreet Boys.  But “It’s all good” has remained steadfast in the vernacular of certain populations.  Like the whooping cough, it’s been difficult to eradicate, if only because people didn’t stay diligent enough.  In the case of the whooping cough, lack of diligence meant a lax attitude toward vaccinations.  In the case of “it’s all good”, it meant not hitting people in the face the third time they said it.

I’m Well

Put this in the “clearly” all-stars.  When people respond to “How are you?” with “I’m well,” they’re trying to sound smart.  The result is the exact opposite, with the bonus of pretentiousness added to a list of that person’s descriptors.

If someone asks you if you’re sick, and you’re feeling better, you can say, “I’m well.”  Or if someone asks how you’re doing, you can say, “I’m doing well.”  You can’t say, “I’m well.”

Sorry.  What I mean to say is: You can.  But I will make fun of you if you do.

A Brief Break From The List, For Another, Shorter List Dedicated To My Father

My dad can’t handle it when people say “healthy” when they mean “healthful”.  He maintains that people can be healthy, but the things they put into their bodies – assuming those things are beneficial to their health – are healthful.  Terms like “healthy diet” are as poorly constructed as Dodge Aries K.  My father is right, but I’m afraid he’s fighting a losing battle.  I fear the same about some of the following examples.

ATM Machine/PIN Number

Dear Companies of the World –

If you use the phrases “ATM Machine” or “PIN Number” in an advertisement, my family and I will boycott your products.  Granted, my family consists of me.  But I could go on an unprotected sexual spree at any moment and could then be responsible for something like 7,852 children by the time I’m done.  Assuming those Little League baseballs I took off the testicles didn’t do permanent damage.

Sincerely,

Paul Shirley

Less/Fewer

It’s so simple.  If you can count it: fewer.

For example: “There were six fewer men than women at the orgy, which meant that the orgy was fantastic.”

If you can’t count it: less.

For example: “But because there were 785 women there, I had less fun that I would have had if there had been 7.

Amount/Number

Who says “amount of people”?  Answer:  These days, almost everyone.  Pay attention to a news broadcast sometime…”The amount of people at the rally was estimated at between 600 and 700.”  Really?  Is “people” like “dust”?  Something we can’t count discretely?  Imagine if I said, “The number of dust on my desk is unbelievable.”  Dumb two times.   And just as dumb as saying “amount of people” or “amount of animals”.

I would be more understanding if the rule were more difficult to understand.  Like, say, icing in hockey.

But it’s not difficult to understand.  It’s just like less vs. fewer:  If the object of discussion can be counted, use “number”.  If it can’t be counted, use “amount”.

And Now, One More Word That Should Be Put On Probation:

Absolutely

The word absolutely has its place in our world.  It goes well with “positively” and with “guaranteed”, especially when one wants to go overboard on the reassurance on a box of laxatives.

But it does not have a place as an answer to questions like:

“Do you want another beer?”

and

“Can I have a ride?”

Like “clearly” and “I’m well”, “absolutely” fits into the fake-intellectual, trying-to-fill-the-air category often employed by commentators and newscasters who feel they have to make their respective points, hyperbolically and definitively.

Thankfully, there are alternatives.  If someone asks you if you want a beer, take a new spin on an old classic and reply, “Does a wild boar poo in the woods?” or “Is the pope German?”

Then, after you’ve softened up your audience:

“Does the pope poo in the woods?”

Or, if you don’t want to come off like an overanalytical, neurotic, sarcastic bag of wind (in other words: if you don’t want to be me), you can use this gem:

“Yes.”

For more from Paul, click some of the fun buttons below…

Past work on FlipCollective.com.
To follow him on Twitter.
To befriend him on Facebook.