In his stand-up routine, the comedian David Cross does a bit about the misuse of the word “literally”. He refers to a conversation with a kid who says, “We laughed so hard we literally shit our pants.” Cross asks the kid what they did. Confused, the kid responds, “What do you mean?…dude, I was laughing.” Cross retorts, “No, you said you literally shit your pants. What did you do about your shitty pants?”
None of us speaks correctly, all the time. We say “impotence” when we mean “impetus”. We ask for nuts when we want bolts. We forget which one is marinara sauce and say “the red one”.
The occasional verbal faux pas is forgivable. I can handle an overexcited “The thing was literally 10 feet tall!” I’ll make fun of the user, but I won’t defriend him on facebook. True vitriol (read: me thinking, “I’d rather be dipped in Drano than have to continue this conversation”) is reserved for the girl I meet at a club – the one who misuses literally twice in one sentence.
“I literally wanted to die because he literally wouldn’t stop talking.”
Unfortunately, Kaitlin or Heather or Meredith has done the rest of the world a disservice. Because of her misuse of one word, I’m attuned to look for overuse of that word. And then it’s added to a permanent watch list, similar to the one used by airport security for men with beards and surnames with more than six vowels.
So, “literally”, I’m not banning you completely. But I am going to watch you carefully. And, at the slightest provocation, I’ll strip you to your undershorts and humiliate you. You and the rest of these words and phrases that drive me crazy…
Clearly
No, Mr. Television Anchorman, using “clearly” does not help you sound smart. Iran is not “clearly” trying to provoke the United States by placing its nuclear facilities out in the open. It “might” be trying to do so, but the only way it would be “clearly” doing such a thing is if it wrote a sign on the outside that said, “Just to be clear: We are doing this to provoke the United States.”
Granted, there is a time and a place for the word clearly. But because so many people who aren’t that smart keep using it so they can sound smart, that time and place consists of “before now” and “not within earshot of me”.
It is what it is.
This phrase – more than any other – is the one most likely to provoke homicidal feelings in me. I contend that I was around for the genesis of its overuse: Los Angeles in the mid-00s. I was in LA to make a television pilot. Whenever something would seem obvious or insurmountable, some uncreative lackey would say, “Ah well, it is what it is.” I get the intent: he was trying to express that there was nothing we could do. But he probably should have just said “Ah well, there’s nothing we can do”. The phrase he used is so inane, so meaningless, and so unnecessary that it literally (!) means nothing. I don’t go around saying “That chair is a chair” or “I drive what I drive”. I don’t say those things because they’re pointless phrases. Just like “It is what it is”.
Retarded
At the same time that I was being marinated in usage of “It is what it is”, my fellow show-creators did a final reading of the script of our pilot for studio executives and other assorted brainless peons. One of those peons was in charge of “Standards & Practices”. The next day, he sent us a memo noting all the potentially offensive remarks we made. (In addition to telling us we needed more black characters. Because 9 out of 12 on a basketball team wasn’t enough.)
With a draining feeling, we read something like the following:
“Use of the word ‘retarded’ is offensive to mental health community. Please remove.”
We were sad for two reasons. We were disappointed comedically; we thought “retarded” fit quite well where we had it. And we were disappointed intellectually; we had no idea that being retarded was similar to having schizophrenia. We thought it meant that the person wasn’t very smart.
I don’t object to the use of the word retarded because I think saying it is offensive. I object to saying “retarded” because it’s been used too much. Get a new word. Idiotic, for example. Or moronic. Or imbecilic. Or dumb. Or autistic.
(Unless, of course, someone around you is being really retarded. Like Kids On The Block retarded. Then I understand: your hands are tied.)
Douchebag, Doucherag, Douchelips…Anything containing the word “Douche”
I used them too. And it was good. They’re fun to say, they get the point across quickly, and there’s no one to offend – as far as I know, douche is neither a profession nor a handicap.
But it’s gotten tiresome. Exercise those creative neurons. Find new ways to deride your friends. Do what Mick Shaffer and I do. At the beginning of our phone conversations, we try out a new name.
Mick: Hey rectum spelunker.
Paul: How’s it going, scrote wrinkle?
I know, it’s juvenile. I’ll probably regret even writing such lame name-calls; obviously, we’re not there yet. But like a team of monkeys in a room full of Mac Books Air, eventually, we’ll come up with something great.
Just because we haven’t yet doesn’t mean everyone should keep calling people douchebags. Go with an old standby. Like “asshole”. Until Mick and I come up with something better.
Unbelievable
I have seen two unbelievable things in my life. One happened when I was four. I was climbing out of the bathtub while my six-month old brother Matt was lying on his back as my mother dried him off. As I grabbed the towel that was being offered to me by my father, I watched Matt pee in his own ear.
The other is this dunk by Tom Chambers.
I can believe pretty much everything else.
If you’re searching for a superlative, try “remarkable” or “jaw-dropping”. Even “amazing” will do.
Just don’t say “awesome”. Because if I had room, it would be on the list too.
Bro
Don’t call people “bro”. Unless you’re Patrick Swayze.
It’s All Good
I know, you thought this one had gone out with the Backstreet Boys. But “It’s all good” has remained steadfast in the vernacular of certain populations. Like the whooping cough, it’s been difficult to eradicate, if only because people didn’t stay diligent enough. In the case of the whooping cough, lack of diligence meant a lax attitude toward vaccinations. In the case of “it’s all good”, it meant not hitting people in the face the third time they said it.
I’m Well
Put this in the “clearly” all-stars. When people respond to “How are you?” with “I’m well,” they’re trying to sound smart. The result is the exact opposite, with the bonus of pretentiousness added to a list of that person’s descriptors.
If someone asks you if you’re sick, and you’re feeling better, you can say, “I’m well.” Or if someone asks how you’re doing, you can say, “I’m doing well.” You can’t say, “I’m well.”
Sorry. What I mean to say is: You can. But I will make fun of you if you do.
A Brief Break From The List, For Another, Shorter List Dedicated To My Father
My dad can’t handle it when people say “healthy” when they mean “healthful”. He maintains that people can be healthy, but the things they put into their bodies – assuming those things are beneficial to their health – are healthful. Terms like “healthy diet” are as poorly constructed as Dodge Aries K. My father is right, but I’m afraid he’s fighting a losing battle. I fear the same about some of the following examples.
ATM Machine/PIN Number
Dear Companies of the World –
If you use the phrases “ATM Machine” or “PIN Number” in an advertisement, my family and I will boycott your products. Granted, my family consists of me. But I could go on an unprotected sexual spree at any moment and could then be responsible for something like 7,852 children by the time I’m done. Assuming those Little League baseballs I took off the testicles didn’t do permanent damage.
Sincerely,
Paul Shirley
Less/Fewer
It’s so simple. If you can count it: fewer.
For example: “There were six fewer men than women at the orgy, which meant that the orgy was fantastic.”
If you can’t count it: less.
For example: “But because there were 785 women there, I had less fun that I would have had if there had been 7.
Amount/Number
Who says “amount of people”? Answer: These days, almost everyone. Pay attention to a news broadcast sometime…”The amount of people at the rally was estimated at between 600 and 700.” Really? Is “people” like “dust”? Something we can’t count discretely? Imagine if I said, “The number of dust on my desk is unbelievable.” Dumb two times. And just as dumb as saying “amount of people” or “amount of animals”.
I would be more understanding if the rule were more difficult to understand. Like, say, icing in hockey.
But it’s not difficult to understand. It’s just like less vs. fewer: If the object of discussion can be counted, use “number”. If it can’t be counted, use “amount”.
And Now, One More Word That Should Be Put On Probation:
Absolutely
The word absolutely has its place in our world. It goes well with “positively” and with “guaranteed”, especially when one wants to go overboard on the reassurance on a box of laxatives.
But it does not have a place as an answer to questions like:
“Do you want another beer?”
and
“Can I have a ride?”
Like “clearly” and “I’m well”, “absolutely” fits into the fake-intellectual, trying-to-fill-the-air category often employed by commentators and newscasters who feel they have to make their respective points, hyperbolically and definitively.
Thankfully, there are alternatives. If someone asks you if you want a beer, take a new spin on an old classic and reply, “Does a wild boar poo in the woods?” or “Is the pope German?”
Then, after you’ve softened up your audience:
“Does the pope poo in the woods?”
Or, if you don’t want to come off like an overanalytical, neurotic, sarcastic bag of wind (in other words: if you don’t want to be me), you can use this gem:
“Yes.”
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Choad jelly,
Please put “surreal” and “mute point” and “I could care less” in future lists. It’s clearly unbelievable how often people misuse/over-use these terms literally every time.
Yours,
Vas deferens
Shaft handlers,
The addition of “all of THE sudden” and “all intensive purposes” would be greatly appreciated by Professor Garbage Butt & The Ball Garglers.
Thanks,
PGB & TBG
“Suffices to say” instead of “suffice it to say”.
It makes my skin crawl when I hear this, and a dear friend uses this one often- in conversation, but also when writing which is Microsoft-Word-red-squiggly-line inexcusable.
A few sports related phrases to add:
“obviously” – Listen for it in any athlete interview. They say it eleven times a sentence. If it’s so obvious, then why do you have to say it!?
Overuse of the name of the sport in question – Talking heads and players alike are guilty of this. “Team” will not suffice. It must be prefaced with the sport: “Football team” or a “Basketball team”. The same happens for “player” and “game”. Please assume the viewers of your broadcast are aware of what sport they are watching. Because we are.
‘Basically’ people don’t know how to talk. ‘Basicilly’ I find it all annoying. ‘Basically’ I wish people would stop saying ‘basically.’
C’mon Riley. It’s “for all intents and purposes” If you’re going to add to the list, at least use the correct phrase.
That’s a whole nother story.
I think people forget that there’s no “n” in front of other.
Whenever I hear someone say “It is what it is”, I burst into uncontrollable giggling. I think it’s the only way I can control myself from punching said someone in the grill. This is also true for the phrase “It’s just one of those things”.
How about ending a sentence in “but” or “so”? As in, “I was going to order another drink, but …”, or, “Well, it turns out I have the clap, so …”. Hi, finish your sentence, please. Annoying.
There are a surprising amount of people that use “acrost” instead of “across”, “irregardless” instead of “regardless”, and “supposibly” instead of “supposedly”.
Office buzzwords that drive me crazy – “Mondaze”, “table this” discussion, take this discussion “off-line”, “thinking outside the box”, “touch base”, and “paradigm shift”. There are many more, but those make me die a little inside every time I hear them.
Thanks for the list.
Eric
I find it quite funny and more than a bit ironic that Sara decided to end one of her offending lines with “punching said someone in the grill”.
I must admit, “in the grill” is one of the phrases which I despise. If you really want to punch someone “in the grill,” then you must first find where they parked their car.
“Anywho”
At some point, people decided that it was ok to scramble the last few letters of an otherwise decent (albeit overused) word. Now, people will use a sing-songy “anywhoooo” as a transition in conversations. Drives me crazy.
Used to work with a dude that would buy time on his conversational replies by dropping in this gem:
“Let me just say this about that:”
And, Eric, those people are the same ones that want to “axe” you a question…
How about “don’t be that guy.” If you use that line, you are “that guy.” Wait, does that make sense?
Great article, Paul. Don’t forget the word “crucial.” Maybe it’s just the dumb hicks here in the South, but I hear that word constantly.
While we’re at it…how about the phrase “I could care less.” 99/100 times the person is trying to convey total apathy, in which case they should use “I couldn’t care less.” Drives me crazy!
“Real talk”…
Honestly or Seriously. My wife has a habit of starting 5 or 6 sentences in a row with Seriously. Seriously annoying.
Eric: Those are also the people who celebrate Valentimes Day.
Can we add ‘epic fail’ and ‘for the win’ to the list?
I realize that I overuse some of the words on your list (basically, absolutely). I will do my best to change.
Every single girl on campus: “I’m not gonna lie”
I let them finish their thought (truthful at that!) and I retort,
“Well, to tell you the truth, I’m not gonna lie”
Conversation just fades…
Really, Paul? You had to write about this? I mean, really? No, really????
I hate that. Ever since Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers did their Michael Vick thing on Weekend Update, I mean, really????
http://www.hulu.com/watch/1794/saturday-night-live-weekend-update-michael-vick-really
PLEASE MAKE IT STOP
Dearest Ovarian Cysts,
I hate when girls say things like “Ridonkulous” instead of ridiculous, or “are you cereal?” instead of ‘are you serious?’.. And, I swear I don’t hang around middle schools.
I submit “My take on it …”
You literally need to put the period inside the quotation mark every time.
Mick (Ass Goblin) – As Josh W pointed out as well, the mixup on “couldn’t care less” is indeed dreadful.
HEH – Yes, “are you cereal?” is brutal.
Raymond – “I’m not gonna lie” is ugh-tastic. Those girls also love to work out on “awkward” and “creepy”. It was fun for awhile, but no longer.
Native Minnow – I’m also getting quite tired of the “Fail” fad.
Sara – The “so” tic is really rough. The mother of one of my friends in high school would end almost every sentence with it. I think it’s a Midwestern thing. (My people.)
Thanks everyone – glad you liked this.
anyone that says “it was, like, so crazy” or “so he was, like…”
he wasn’t fucking “like” anything, he was exactly what he was fucking doing.
and the word “utilize”. it’s “use”, for fuck’s sake!!!
wow, what a great topic. pet peeves become unbelievable – literally!
respect
I really expected that word to be in the list. Maybe I’m just behind the times and its fading out, but for a while it was no different than nails on a chalkboard to me.
Starting a sentence with “I mean…” without clarifying a previous point. This is something I see in sports interviews far too often, especially with rookies (or younger players in general).
Seriously, it’s like, literally an epic fail. For all intensive care purposes, it needs to stop, so…
Paul,
Great article, many of my pet peeves, as well. However, do you recall how much grief I took for your use of the word douchebag? And now you’re giving it up? Seems like it was all for nothing.
Keep up the good work.
I literally couldn’t agree with you more on “It is what it is.” No joke, I went into reading this thinking that it should be on the top of your list. Of course, my coworkers all know this and use it constantly. They also overuse “really”, Redonkulous, and “Are you cereal?”
I need a new job.
And by overuse, I mean that they use any of them. At all.
http://j.mp/auq93R
Look in the mirror, and see if it’s pretty. Communication and language is fluid. Paint with it however you choose, within reason. If someone uses a phrase I find loathsome, well, it tells me a little about that person, or at least how that person thinks would be an effective way to communicate to me.
Although this pisses me off….
Someone prefacing a question with the phrase:
“Let me ask you a question.” I am a sophisticated communicator. I do not need a warning if a question is forthcoming. Go ahead. Ask.
Such as: Am I a hypocrite?
Indeed.
LMAO! Great post, Paul.
“The thing was literally 10 feet tall!”
Clearly, Paul, you do not understand how people of 5’2” demographics see people like you as a thing that is literally 10 foot tall.
Oh well, it is what it is.
I know this topic was about annoying words spoken in conversations. What, like literally, makes my skin crawl with meth bugs, is incorrect use of apostrophe use for plural vs singular and ownership. Argh! It’s not even incorrect use (anymore); people are just too ignorant and have no basic grammar education.
“In all honesty…”
I think that speaks for itself.
Just checked the online dictionary, and “fail” is still primarily listed as a verb. So unless all those funny pictures are about the stock exchange, that one still literally bugs the shit out of me. For cereal.
“Like I said…” has crept up on America within the last 6 months and is now a full-fledged epedemic. Listen for it for a day and then try to control the rage.
You ‘handled’ on this article, Paul. This one is also creeping (I still like all ‘creep’ prefixes) up on America.
“Oh yeah I handled that.”
Oh you did? So when I told you that the bird poop on the car needs to be cleaned up, you handled it? Gross. Maybe you should wash your hands.
Someone above mentioned ‘Valentimes’ day and it reminded me of a friend that not only uses that one, but ‘All Timers’ instead of Alzheimers. Now, you’re just making things up.
GREAT READ!
It’s hard to even write a reply about how much I hate the phrase “it is what it is” (or IIWII for those of us that despise it) without using one or some of the other words on the list. Seriously! I decided that it’s a phrase that people use when they can’t think of an intelligent argument or want to close a discussion about something they know nothing about.
I am guilty of still calling my friends “Dude”. Sorry. My only excuse is that I was a long-haired skater in the 90′s.
The very reason the English language has been so successful, so dominant and so prominent on this planet is because it is both agglomerative and adaptable, in vocabulary, style, grammar and usage.
English is one of the few languages that continues to evolve. Some of the most bedrock rules of current “correct” English are in fact derived from some of the most overused hack phrases and mangled words of years and centuries gone by.
Times change and so does proper grammar, style and usage, not least because Americans have so botched the language as to make it nearly unrecognizeable to its progentiors (and those in the Commonwealth countries who also employ it). Unfortunately some of the most dreadful aspects of American language have even managed a reverse invasion into British English.
Some members of America’s brightest, most educated, most distinguished and most accomplished scientists and researchers frequently make among the most egregious written and verbal mistakes in interviews and articles. Whaddaya gonna do?
I would go so far as to posit that the author of this piece would be very hard pressed indeed to recognize American English as it was spoken and written before 1950, so much has it “degraded” since then.
Recently Oxford University, the ultimate arbiter of proper English if there ever was one, even lifted the ban on ending sentences with prepositions. Now a sentence ending in a prepositions is, to paraphrase the late Winston Churchill, something up with which you must put.
In post-colonial India, it is considered PERFECTLY correct English to pose an interrogative sentence in the following manner: “You will be taking the bus to Mumbai, isn’t it?”
Every evolutionary step in the language has made older generations fearful and resentful. Further, every step has struck older generations as somehow coarse and degraded, less educated and less precise than what passed previously as “correct” English. Yet English-speaking nations continue to progress and the English usage decried in this item (and the comments that follow it) continues to penetrate with alacrity into the most distant countries and cultures.
Curmudgeonism (especially from someone as young and apparently ill-informed about the world as the author of this piece – see also his ignorant and ill-timed rant on Haiti) solves nothing.
The language is, gasp! literally changing. Clearly. Obviously. Absolutely. So don’t be a douchebag. Get over yourself, get with the programme and deal with it. It is what it is. It’s all good… bro.
Yesterday a 35 year old man not only used the phrase, “abso-freakin-lutely” and excitedly mentioned that he was going to see the Black Eyed Peas in a 5 minute conversation with me. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he’s excited about the Black Eyed Peas or that he said in all seriousness used, “abso-freakin-lutely” in a sentence. I laughed hard (not necessarily with him, mind you); I litterally tinkled in my pants a little.
Ha, I say “clearly” so much that it rubs off on other people.
And my dad’s been a stickler for the healthy/healthful thing for as long as I can remember. He eventually stopped complaining about it though…probably because he found himself complaining all the time.
nicejewishgirl – For situations like that, you should get to vote if that person has the right to reproduce.
Markus – I have to admit: Dude is still pretty fun to say.
Kristin – Thanks for the warning.
Raindrop – Yeah, apostrophe misuse gets me down. Same with quotes misuse, i.e. signs on stores: “Best Fries in Town”.
Steve K – Sorry. In my defense, it was 2004. Or 2005.
I am just making sure we are all in agreement that, at this point in our linguistic evolution, people who still use the word “WHATEVER” as a standard answer to some question they don’t find favorable should be sterilized. Obviously, this does include Brittini, Portia and Chloe saying the abbreviated “WHATEV” as well.
A few others for the list of phrases we are keeping an eye on:
1. People that like to get “everyone on the same page”. I have never stood on an open book nor am I ever reading the same book as all of the other nimrods in all of these meetings or conference calls.
2. People that tell you they “are going to preface what I am about to say”. Um, I think you telling me you are going to preface something counts as your actual preface?
3. People that use parenthesis, colons, and dashes to make smiley faces in their work email or texts. This phase of sideways smiley faces being great lasted for about 14 seconds. When I had AOL and my dial up internet connection, I needed every possible outlet to make me smile. If you are a guy over 14 years old that uses these still, then I look forward to seeing you on “Dateline: To Catch a Predator” next season.
4. This isn’t really a language misuse, but I just need to find a way to get people to stop dotting the god damn letter “i” in their name with a heart or a smiley face. Unless you are a waitress at Hooters that is trying to get me to think that you really do like me so I tip you the full 18%, then just stop it.
Paul/Mick – Would I please be able to get in on the advanced name calling action? If so, then: How are thing going taint cleaners?
The question asked by Midwestern folk “Hows Come?” is more than a bit irritating
thanks for the “it is what it is” listing
MY LIST:
-foodstuffs
-”a blah blah for the _____ set” (OMG that sends blood to my forehead)
-speak to that (how hard is it to say “address that”)
Re: “Bro” and your short “most interesting man in the world-esque” condemnation, I say nay. “Bro” transcends surfers, frat boys, and Keanu for ME. “Dude” is just kinda yucky, “man” and “friend” can’t be on the job 24/7, and the person’s actual name may not be only one syllable. Replace before you lambast bro bro bro. Oh and I’m taking “esque” to the grave with me so don’t holster your glare yet.
Where the F do guys include “: )” in work emails? In personal emails and texts I’m smiling it up, “:)”s are fast and easy bro.
TO OBVIOUS TO INCLUDE BUT…:
just saying
meh
at the end of the day
punch in the face (it’s the not so new “throw-up in mouth”
- Later Bros
for the love! : ( TOO TOO TOO TOO TOO
SRSLY, a butterfly dies when douchebag is said, go w/ d-bag if you have to or Tina Fey’s proposed replacement “JAGWEED”. I’ll give up any word if we, as a nation, can agree to blackball doucebag.
Marm, thanks for the heads up on Oxford and prepositions, SRSLY bless them, but it sounded like you were going to end that post with a “serving my kids fries on the way to a ski trip” bit, and I know you don’t have the hair to pull that line off.
I’m never not ending without a preposition, above.
“Random.”
It had its peak circa MTV’s Laguna Beach, season 1, referring to anything “like, weird, you know?”
I fucking hate it when someone uses the word “random.” You know what’s random? Traffic patterns. Slot machine results. Not your stupid friends ignoring your stupid fucking text messages. Suck my nuts, Lauren Conrad.
paul –
i “thoroughly” enjoyed “your take” on a subject that is “very” interesting to me. “having said that,” “i feel like” “it seems like” you’ve “got a lot of demons.” perhaps you should “chillax” before you literally “stroke out.”
“yours very truly,”
Casey
P.S. you’re an “asshat”