Shaking Hands With Shaky Hands, by Matt Shirley

The other day, while a guest on FlipCollective’s first-ever podcast, I lamented the fact that I never know how to say goodbye.  What I do is always awkward.  I was reminded of my gracelessness (and thus motivated to talk about it on the podcast) when I attended a barbecue hosted by my friend this past weekend. Per usual, the party was wall-to-wall penis.  As my time at the party went on, I made a few non-gay connections with some of the partygoers.  While this is rare for me, it’s quite commonplace for normal humans to make these types of bonds at social functions.   But making friends has its downsides.  When I found a good pause in the conversation to take my leave, I had no idea how to properly say goodbye.  Was I to shake their hands, like a man?  Was a fist pound or a high-five in order?  At what point in a relationship can you give an ass-slap without incurring criminal charges?

So many questions.

Since then, I’ve decided I need a game plan—something like those wristbands quarterbacks wear to help them in play-selection.  I want to read the defense, consult my cheat sheet, and deliver.  The following is that game plan, not only for goodbyes, but for all greetings.

Definition of Terms:

The Braveheart – Think William Wallace shaking hands with one of the nobles.  More of an arm-clasp than a handshake, here each participant’s hand travels another 30% in distance and grabs the forearm of the other shaker.  The bond is formed, sensually.

The Delinquent Embrace – Because I don’t like the term “thug-hug.”

The Pound – You know about pounding.

Note: Trying to ‘blow up’, ‘do the matrix’, or any other attempt at complicating a pound will result in “The Punch to the Dick” which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like.

Slapping Five – Low-Fives, High-Fives, Jumping-Fives, all encapsulated in this umbrella term.

The Over the Top – The first half of a Delinquent Embrace.   The Over the Top got its name from the Sylvester Stallone’s smash hit that saw him competitively using this shake with many-a-fellow.

The Nut Hug – An aggressive embrace that sees two chaps’ nuts pressed against one another’s.

The Side-Five to Thumb Wrestler – Here the participants start with a side-five (see Slapping Five for details), finish with a thumb-wrestling pose, with a lot of skin in the middle.

The How Do You Do – Basic ass-slap.

The I Have a Real Job and a Mortgage Goddamn It – An adult handshake, as stern or as limp as one wants it to be.

The Choreoshake – A choreoshake is a routined handshake that can involve a variety of moves and combinations.  If you’re white, you’ll look stupid doing this.

The Swipe –Among my friends in high school, I took part in numerous swipes where one person—we will call him the aggressor—takes his hand, or something card-shaped, to the buttocks of another person—we will call him the victim—and ‘swipes’ the object between his or her butt cheeks. Saying ‘swipe!’ in a high-pitched tone is not compulsory but recommended.  I am 92% sure I invented this. And let me tell you, it caught on like wildfire.

Scenarios:

You’re on a professional sports team and something good happens and you have a lot of down time to celebrate it: The Choreoshake.

Just so you can prove how much of a joke your life is. 

You’re on a professional sports team and something good happens and you don’t have a lot of down time to celebrate it: The How Do You Do.

Get in get out.

You meet your dad for lunch: The I Have a Real Job and a Mortgage Goddamn It.

Show your father you aren’t the pot-smoking degenerate he and you both know you are.

You pick your brother up from the airport: The Nut Hug.

Nut-to-nut is really the only way you can celebrate this occasion.

You enter a house party and there’s a game of flipcup going on: Slapping Five.

Fives of the High variety, all around the table.

You leave a house party where there was a game of flipcup going on: Nut Hugs.

Inebriation = physicality.

You’re about to leave on a crusade of some sort, or at least board a ship: The Braveheart.

For some reason this handshake seems apropos when you feel like one of the participants is going to die soon.

You’re in college: The Delinquent Embrace.

Only because everyone else already does it and you’re not going to break this habit.

You’re seven: The I Have a Real Job and a Mortgage Goddamn It.

Little kids doing things adults normally do are hilarious.  Bonus points for donning a suit while performing this shake.

You’re saying goodbye to a cool person you just hung out with the first time: The Side Five to Thumb Wrestler + A Pound.

You want to leave a good taste in his mouth (gross) so try too hard and pull out everything you have (gross).

Your team (and by your team I mean the team you are rooting for) just scored a basket/run/goal/touchdown/point: Trick question, None of the above.

Giving high-fives and pounds during sporting events is in bad taste.

Your team just scored the WINNING basket/run/goal/touchdown/point: The Nut Hug + The How Do You Do.

“You” won.  Celebrate.

You’re a baby: Pound

Just try and make a baby do anything besides a pound.

You’re at an event where seats are involved and closely spaced.  You just arrived and want to greet someone on the end furthest from you without making everyone between you and him stand up: The Over the Top.

This is really only about physics.

You’re 15 years old, tall, socially retarded, self-conscious and want to get the attention of the girls in your class by doing something outrageous that will actually drive them away in the end: The Swipe.

Proven.

You live in medieval times: The Braveheart

You work at Medieval Times: The Braveheart + The Pound

You’re a hipster: The Over the Top

You’re black: The Side Five to Thumb Wrestler + Delinquent Embrace

You’re stupid: The Pound

You just came up with a game plan for all the different handshaking scenarios: The Choreoshake.

Just so you can prove how much of a joke your life is.

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