Two years ago, I made the move from Alabama to Alaska. You might be wondering why a Southerner would migrate from warm, sunny hills to the darkest, most unforgiving landscape in the United States.
Sound scary? I really had no idea. I figured it would be cold, but my idea of cold was booties and hot chocolate on a breezy evening. I thought tundra was another word for ice cream. “You will love the subarctic tundra.” Mmmm. I couldn’t wait.
It doesn’t take big brain cells to determine why there aren’t many Southerners among the Alaskan “homegrown.” Alaska proves to be everything a native Southerner fears. The following are eleven reasons why you should stick to living in the South:
1) Swap your sunscreen and reflective gear for kneepads and cleats if you’re a pedestrian. Unless of course, you enjoy face-planting on ice.
2) A facemask and gloves are required, even for noncriminal outings.
3) That bird in the sky? It’s a mosquito.
4) The restaurants lack helpful suggestions for attire, like “Will not serve without shirt or shoes.”
5) Teenage make-out sessions at Lookout Point are discouraged outside of summer because of difficulties removing long underwear with mittens. (But they won’t need any ice for that Boone’s Farm they stole.)
6) Alaskan formalwear consists of double-ply thermals and a Carhartt.
7) Credit cards are used only for de-icing your windshield. Everything else is done by trade.
8) Outdoor swimming pools are plastic tubs just large enough for you and your dog. And cleaning the pool is optional.
9) Spring begins right after the third-to-last snowfall and lasts one week. Shorts and tank tops required.
And last,
10) The dog is an inside dog. The dog is always an inside dog. The dog that isn’t an inside dog…is probably a bear.
*Please note: The author has since moved from Alaska…to Australia. Skipping winter is a very good thing.
Tweet
Can you see Russia from Alaska? ;)
I liked the last one a lot. For true. Whoever said ‘the poet must not avert her eyes’ must be smiling now, because your keen insights could have only come from taking a hard, unfaltering look at the very heart Alaska. Too bad the best part of the state (Southeast) wasn’t/isn’t on your map…I can only imagine what gems you’d write about the rain.
Very entertaining Tara.Definitely had a good laugh with the Boone’s Farm and trade comments too. Glad you survived without too much frostbite and can enjoy a much more temperate climate now :)
Very accurate! U obviously transitioned from the land of AL to AK to Gold (AU). What’s next? You have the gift of a writers eye for detail, the luck of the non-Irish Irish, and the adventure spirit of an outside writer
C’mon now “It doesn’t take big brain cells to determine why there aren’t many Southerners among the Alaskan… The following are eleven reasons why you should stick to living in the South…
11. Your extra finger falls off XD
Very nice catch. Chalk that one up to lazy editing…or counting skills? An 11th digit could come in handy, though. ;)
Great job Tara! The south is a great place to live……
What the heck does that mean? “Your extra finger falls off XD?” I’m a little slow…from the South.
sorry, freezes off! lol
I forgot how much I love your writing Tato!! Well done, and hilarious.
Alaska is missing your light, Tara :) Send us more warm-hearted, humorous Southerners! Please instruct them to bring a dawn parka and their inner light. We need more people like you here in Alaska! By the way, I don’t remember if I ever told you our Siberian saying: “There is no bad weather, but bad clothes.” So, maybe you come back now :)
Right then.
It is now obvious to me you shroud your humour in stern ‘game face’ facades. For class.
You’ve been exposed.
You’re funny as hell.
You know what it’s like? It’s like playing reserve grade and watching your mate dominate first grade.
I’m so glad I can say say I was taught by you before you were famous, which is merely a matter of time.
Awesome shit Tara,
Gene.