My love for textsfromlastnight.com has been well-documented. The website’s entries have long been a staple of my Facebook status.
June 18 (845): Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
They’ve been incorporated into my Twitter updates and have consequently prompted email reprimands from my mother.
Aug 9 (765): I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I referenced one in my review of 2009 fall sitcoms.
December 10 (412): do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
And one so mirrored my then-current lot in life that it was assumed that I created it.
March 12 (641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree…Top that.
In fact, I like textsfromlastnight so much that I once vehemently refused to visit fmylife.com because “I only have room in my heart for one comedy website.” That’s loyalty ladies and gentlemen.
In my recent struggles to secure employment (also well-documented), I found myself with plenty of time to peruse textsfromlastnight, in between fruitless craigslist searches and hopeless bouts of pavement-pounding. In doing so I’d often fantasize about finding that perfect job. All the typical fantasy positions came to mind: movie critic, backup NBA center, flavor tester for Ben & Jerry’s, pirate.
But my seemingly constant search for jobs online and my daily visits to textsfromlastnight became intertwined and, in their comingling, a vision-baby of what it would be like to interview for a job at textsfromlastnight—as a text filterer and basically, as a funny-judge—was conceived and delivered into my brain.
INTERVIEWER
Hello Mr. Shirley. Please have a seat.
ME
(sitting)
Good day sir. I brought my resume for your consideration.
I hold out my resume.
INTERVIEWER
(unmoving)
You can put that resume right in your ass, son.
I look startled and retract my resume, but do not put in my ass.
INTERVIEWER (cont.)
You see, there is only one qualification for this job. Do you know what’s funny?
I look confused, not sure if I’m actually supposed to answer that question. And if I did have to answer it, what would be the answer? When Charlie from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia talks about Bird Law? The term numb-nuts? Toddlers walking into closed sliding-glass doors?
INTERVIEWER (cont.)
…And we also need to make sure you know what’s NOT funny…
Images flash through my head. Comedy troupes with names like “The Funny Bones.” Glee. Anything Tyler Perry has ever done.
INTERVIEWER (cont.)
The interviewing process is quite simple really. Take these 10 text messages…
The man reveals a corkboard with ten pieces of paper thumb-tacked to it.
INTERVIEWER (cont.)
…And order them from funniest at the top, to least funny at the bottom.
I look at him like he’s insane and as he cocks his eyebrows he says…
INTERVIEWER (cont.)
Good luck!
To me, this would be the best job interview of all time. A) I like funny things. And B) I’m a judger. A perfect combination. And the more I thought about this type of social prequalification—a simple test to determine whether someone’s sense of humor is up to code—the more I realized it’s genius.
I could use this in real life.
Some people value “kindness” or “honesty” or “respect” in their relationships. I value “do you make me laugh?” and “in hanging out with you, do you make me feel like I’m more funny?” in mine. I seek out funny people. I seek out people who make me more funny. Usually, they are one in the same.
And so, in the spirit of the interview described above, I give you the following texts from textsfromlastnight, to put in order from most to least funny. This is your chance to gauge your humor compatibility, and maybe make a new friend while you’re at it.
ME (with one eyebrow cocked)
Good luck!
1) (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread?
2) (904): he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
3) (313): this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, they look exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
4) (240): i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there’s a girl in my history class that i’ve hooked up with.
5) (913): so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
6) (516): its a sex-hate relationship…no love involved
7) (636): maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
8) (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tattoo on her inner thigh that said “Eat it like your birthday cake”.
9) (816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to “throw a fuckin fireball at my face”
10) (215): some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases… I don’t know who he is but I like him
(For those of you who are simpletons: I’d suggest writing down/remembering the number order of your funny list and pasting it into the comments below. Obviously, looking at others’ lists isn’t going to make you any true friends. And yes, there is a correct answer. I will reveal it in the comments section when I deem that behavior appropriate.)
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9, 3, 10, 8, 5, 1, 4, 7, 6, 2.
Easily the most productive thing I’ve done all day. Good game!
3,7,8,5,9,2,6,1,4,10
1, 9, 7, 3, 10, 2, 5, 4, 6, 8.
6,9,1,3,8,2,7,5,4,10.
Damnit. I apologize for the poor spacing on the above post. That’s hideous. Retry:
6, 9, 1, 3, 8, 2, 7, 5, 4, 10.
9,7,3,8,5,2,6,1,4,10
7, 8, 9, 1, 2, 5, 10, 4, 3, 6
3, 7, 9, 8, 1, 2, 4, 10, 6, 5
3, 9, 7, 8, 10, 1, 2, 5, 6, 4.
1 (That’s fucking funny), 9, 7, 8, 6, 2, 4, 5, 10, 3 (cockblocking is never funny)
3, 7, 8, 1, 9, 2, 4, 10, 5, 6
The correct answer is…
1 – dumb people are funny
3 – fat girls, also funny
7
9
6
10
5 – not really that shameful.
2
4 – snore
8 – this one is obviously untrue. and if it is true then its just gross.
Alan and I are on the same page.
8,6,1,2,9,10,7,3,4,5 <–dream girl answers right?
#3 –the fact that he said the two girls looked like the number 10 is hilarious. I also like to refer to people like that as “spaghetti and meatball”!
“spaghetti and meatball” had me cracking up. Too funny.
9, 10, 7, 6, 8, 1, 2, 5, 4, 3
agree that cockblocking is never funny
Haven’t looked yet.
6, 7, 1, 9, 3, 2, 8, 10, 4, 5
Six and seven are clearly ahead of the class. The shorter, the funnier. The ankle thing doesn’t even deserve to be in the top 10.
Damn it. I feel that 8 is getting way too much love. And 6 is not getting enough credit. On second thought, I maybe should’ve ranked 9 higher. That one’s growing on me.
I realize I should have given these some keywords so comparing answers would be easier. Maybe I’ll do a follow-up with keywords so we can have a proper argument.
Mick – You’re right about 8. I put that one in there on purpose just because I hated it so much.
3, 1, 9, 7, 8, 2, 6, 10, 5, 4
I know you’ll just say I told you so, but I just watched glee and it was awful. I thought it was supposed to be satirical, but apparently its just that bad.
3,7,1,4,8,10,6,9,2,5 Swear I didn’t look. That may be incredibly obvious, but like I said… Judging is probably my favorite thing in the world, now if only I could just acquire a shred of gravitas and some net worth so people would listen. I will be all over any further tests you do, always wanted to do a “vs.” test of sorts, e.g. Community v Modern Family, Guacamole v French Fries, Jehovah’s Witness v Mormon, Trek v Wars, Trek v Cannondale, Trek v Hiking. Maybe that would suck. In any event this was stellar.
4 is indeed a “snore”, but after my top three it was the one I resented least for being proposed as funny. Wondered where you were going with 5′s inclusion, appreciate your stance and it as a red herring.