Announcer: The Food Network and Frisbie’s Jumbo Honey Buns present Eating Shitty with Clay Pillowbiter. On tonight’s show, Mick Shaffer will tell us how he cooks for his family. Val Kilmer on how to totally transform your body. And Jamie Oliver – healthy kid crusader or vegetarian hippie pedophile? And now… live at 3 a.m. from our studios in Reseda, California—setting for The Karate Kid and Terminator 2: Judgment Day—it’s Eating Shitty with Clay Pillowbiter.
[Applause]
Clay: Thank you, thank you. Oh, you are too kind. Hey there, welcome to Eating Shitty. I am your host, Clay Pillowbiter. Boy do we have a great show for you. A fellow by the name of Mitch Shatner will join us. He’s got a unique and, quite frankly, revolutionary way of feeding himself and his family. He’s here to share those secrets. Plus, Debbie Muffintop from the Reseda Zoo is here to tell us exactly which fried foods-on-a-stick you want to entice the rabid, African monkeys over to the cage with.
Hey, I heard a good one today. How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to check for animal byproducts!
[Laughter]
Clay: Alright, enough “monologuing,” let’s get to the show. Our first guest is author of the quotes: “More bread, please.” “My dad was skinny, so I will be, too.” And, “I’ll run it off in the morning.” Please welcome, Mitch … um, Mick Shaffer!
[Applause]
Mick: Thanks so much for having me, Clay. I’m such a big fan of yours. I loved your movies, Schindler’s Fist and Men in Black Men.
Clay: Mick, what do you have for us today?
Mick: Well, Clay, I don’t spend a whole lot of time “cooking.” I’ve got an online poker habit to support as well as the last three seasons of Bones to catch up on. But my selfish wife feels she has the right to wear shoes and work outside the home. So, occasionally, I’ll have to cook lunch for my kids.
Clay: Where are those little tallywhackers, Mick? I thought you were gonna bring ‘em.
Mick: Oh, they’re in the car. Don’t worry, the motor is turned off and they’re buckled in. Can’t go anywhere.
Clay: So when you prepare these feasts, what is your main motivation?
Mick: I want it to taste good, of course, and preferably take little time. I mean, we have enough necessities in life that take up too much of our day already: Pawn Stars, smoking, parole officer visits …
Clay: … ball hair trimming.
Mick: Exactly. So when it comes to food, we should be able to enjoy it. The better it tastes, the better it is for you, I say. Where’s the harm, right?
Clay: We’ve got your ingredients set out on the table here. And, I’ve got to say, this is an impressive collection of shit that would taste good in my mouth.
Mick: Slow down there, Clay. But, yes, this is an exotic blend of flavors I’ve put together. We’ve got an oily spread full of trans fat goodness over here. And we’ve got boiled down pig bones, pig ears, and pig feet over here.
Clay: Peanut butter & jelly?
Mick: Peanut butter & jelly, Clay.
Clay: Crunchy or creamy peanut butter?
Mick: Um, creamy. Crunchy is Communist. Anyway, watch me as I individually lump these two products on a flat, sharp piece of steel.
Clay: A knife?
Mick: A knife. I’ll then use this knife to smear the spreads all over two pieces of bread. Now, the trick with the bread is to find a place that sells it pre-sliced. You don’t want to cut into a loaf yourself. That adds 20 seconds to the cooking process and, likely, another knife.
And here’s a tip: Don’t puncture the slice of bread with the knife while spreading on the ingredients.
Clay: Because the jelly might spill out?
Mick: No, because studies have shown that kids are whiny little bitches. And if it doesn’t “look right” then they won’t eat it.
Clay: Ok, while Mick is cooking, we’re going to take a break. But when we come back, we’ll have his finished masterpiece. Let’s give it up for our house band, Blues Traveler.
[Applause and Music]
[Commercial]
Introducing KFC’s Double Down – fried chicken, cheese, bacon, and then more fried chicken.
Girl on street: I really want to watch my carbs. With the KFC Double Down I don’t have to worry about all that bread. Sure I’m taking in enough calories to kill an entire village of ring-tailed lemurs, but it’s low-carb! Yay!
KFC’s Double Down – low-carb, high on everything else, like cholesterol, sodium, and arterial traffic jams. But most of all, it’s high on taste!
Man on street: I don’t mind dying. And after eating a KFC Double Down, I know that I’m so close to death that even the most minor physical disturbance will send me over the edge. Like a stubbed toe or a hiccup. But, hey, it’s got bacon!
The KFC Double Down. Get one or live.
[Music and Applause]
Clay: Welcome back to Eating Shitty. We’re here with amateur chef Mick Shaffer who’s pulling back the curtain to reveal this culinary delight that he calls P&BJ.
Mick: That’s PB&J, Clay.
Clay: Oh. It sounds more natural the other way.
Mick: I’m sure it does. Ok, for the sake of time I went ahead and prepared a peanut butter & jelly sandwich before the show to let everyone know what the final product looks like.
[Mick holds up plate, audience “Oohs” and “Ahhs”]
Mick: Watch this. I’ll now perform an ancient kitchen technique called “incisional severation” in which I will penetrate the sandwich with the bladed steel until it splits into equal but separate sections.
Clay: You mean you’re going to cut the sandwich?
Mick: Yes, cut it. And voila. Two pieces of peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s like a totally different meal.
Clay: Wow!
[Applause]
Clay: What is best served with peanut butter and jelly?
Mick: Usually Doritos, Clay. Ask your grocer about them. If you can stumble across the aisle that contains bagged snack food made from heavily salted cornmeal, then Doritos are not far away.
Other times I’ll simply put slices of cheese in the microwave for 40 seconds, give ‘em a fork, and let ‘em go to work.
Clay: Drinks?
Mick: Usually pop.
Clay: Pop?
Mick: Oh, it’s what you lefty, surfing bark-eaters call “soda.” In Kansas we call it “pop.”
Clay: Diet?
Mick: God, no. Don’t be a Communist, Clay.
Clay: But with all this sugar, aren’t you concerned they might be wired the rest of the day?
Mick: Sure, at first, they’ll be wound-up balls of prepubescent terror, but wait 20 minutes. Then they’ll crash harder than a Polish airliner. Too soon?
Clay: Not at all.
Mick: They love me for it, Clay. They love me because I have the cooking skills to make their food taste great.
Clay: I love you for it. Too bad you can’t stay longer, big boy. Anyway, where can people find your recipes?
Mick: On FlipCollective.com. You can also find stories there about Haiti, Tim Tebow, and rating girls in bars.
Clay: Gross, yummy, and gross! Ha ha. Still to come on the show, Val Kilmer. Or is it Vals Kilmers? He’s so big; he should be plural! Plus, Dr. Richard Thunderdong will stop by to confirm that, yes, potato salad is healthy for you … because it has the word “salad” in it.
[Applause & Music]
For more from Mick, click some of the fun buttons below…
Past work on FlipCollective.com.
To follow him on Twitter.
…Or would it be…eating…shittily?
Past tense, I believe. “Shattily.”
Sure I’m taking in enough calories to kill an entire village of ring-tailed lemurs, but it’s low-carb!
It’s like the people who go to Golden Corral and annihilate the steak buffet but order a Diet Coke because they don’t want to get fat.
I wish I could still call it pop. Down here people laugh at you, then say, “No, really. What do you want to drink, freakshow?”. It’s all Coke in Texas.
Oh, and I’m offended. Pillowbiter? Thanks.
Man, I want a P&BJ……..
Great stuff.
MAM – lemurs need to die.
Daniel – wondering what the P would stand for.
The P would stand for poker.
It would sure spice up poker night. Losing would never be so much fun. No way anyone would have the concentration to win. Like anyone believed Hugh Jackman would actually finish the hacking while that blonde blew him in Swordfish? Puh-leaze.
fantastic. however, now you have to top kfc and make a low carb pb&j.
No, because studies have shown that kids are whiny little bitches. And if it doesn’t “look right” then they won’t eat it.
That made me laugh out loud. It’s so true.
I remember one time when I was like 6 or 7 years old my parents put green food dye in vanilla ice cream, and I totally freaked out and refused to eat it. Then they made fun of me for being such a little wimp to not get over the color and just eat it. But hey, it’s just good instincts, don’t eat the green dairy products. Likewise, we adults know a hole is a sandwich is just a hole and no big deal, but how does a kid know you’re not serving a diseased sandwich? That PB&J could have polio.
Daniel – I would be so much the better poker player if the other two letters were involved.
Adelsig – Thanks. I’m pretty they would lick the peanut butter and jelly off the knife without the bread. Bam. Low-carb.
BL1Y – That “doesn’t look right” theory transfers over to shoe-tying as well.
I would have guessed that the P would stand for pussy, hopefully not in that order or i feel sorry for the poor slut… or not, sluts like that. But in Clay’s case, I think Penis would be in order…
Laughed my ass off on this one… I have seriously got the voices down… I do a great inner talk show host! Out loud, not so sure…