Fletch, Or, The Greatest Movie Ever Made, by Mick Shaffer

Published: May 19, 2010Posted in: Mick Shaffer
Fletch, Or, The Greatest Movie Ever Made, by Mick Shaffer

There are plenty of arguments out there that are easy to make, like, “Handicapped stalls are where it’s at,” or, “The chicks from Hanson make horrible songs,” or, “Beef jerky should be in the ‘part of your complete breakfast’ picture on all cereal boxes.”

But a real writer dares tackle the arguments that are difficult to make, like, “Alligators are more scared of you,” or, “Why we don’t have enough rodeo on television,” or more specifically:

“Fletch is the greatest movie in the history of filmmaking.”

I’m not talking greatest Chevy Chase movie.  I’m not talking greatest comedy.  I’m not talking best movie of the 1980’s.  Actually, I guess I am talking about all of those things, because they would be included in Fletch being the greatest … movie … ever.

Just to be sure, know that my definition of “movie” is not some fabricated interpretation of the word: “movie – noun – film Mick watched when he was eight which contained memorable quotes like ‘as far as you know’ that Mick still uses today.”  No, my definition of movie is pretty standard:  “a connected cinematic narrative during which film’s co-stars begin steamy, public affair that ends eight months later or until new studio deal is signed.”

This means I’m counting the classics: Casablanca, Citizen Kane, The Godfather II.  I’m counting the favorite movies of people who have never seen the classics:  Shawshank Redemption, Forrest Gump, A Few Good Men.  I’m counting movies that people love even though, as it turns out, they are wildly overrated:  Titanic, Dead Poets Society, Scarface.  I’m even counting the three worst movies I’ve ever seen:  A.I., The Master of Disguise, Battlefield Earth.

Sorry.  They are all OldsmoBuicks compared to the brilliance that is Fletch.

If I had to describe Fletch off the top of my head, I would say that Fletch dispatches its characters to their destinies with a grand and eloquent confidence.  That it was a work of bold ambition at a time of cinematic timidity.  That this epic fantasy displaces contemporary concerns.  And at the end, the full arc finally comes into focus.

Just kidding.  I actually just ripped that from Roger Ebert’s review of Lord of the Rings.

To seriously describe Fletch in my own words – without the use of fancy movie critic phrases like “cinematic timidity” or “full arc” or … “at the end” – I would say, “It’s just awesome.”

You see, I don’t go to movies to police the content.  I don’t require them to fit a certain systematic criteria that’s rarely interrupted by flashes of originality.  I go to movies to be entertained – and to occasionally cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket.

And no movie has ever entertained me like Fletch.  Trust me, I’ve tried to let it not entertain me, like, 644 times.  I’ve watched it on VHS, on DVD, on TBS during those bullshit cable replays where they cut the best parts out to fit in commercials.  I’ve watched it with Spanish subtitles on the screen.  It’s a fact.  The hurriedly formed name of John Cocktosten never gets old.

From when he lists his occupation as shepherd to when he asks for the head of Alfredo Garcia, there is genius in nearly every line Mr. Irwin Maurice Fletcher utters.  I mean, ordering one steak sandwich is funny.  Ordering two steak sandwiches is off the charts hilarious.

I have even done quality research to find out what makes a good movie.  (Read:  these days quality research means Googling your topic.  Poor research would be using Bing.)

Plot – Essential to all great movies, but missing from many a comedy.  Never fear, imdb.com user raters, Fletch puts the plot first and the funny second.  South American drug trafficking?  Police corruption?  Bigamy?  Go ahead and make that plural plots, thank you very much.

Acting – Fletch is great in that an epic comedy was berthed from the effort to make a somewhat serious film.  And this is due mostly to casting Chevy Chase.  But before ultimately deciding on Chase, producers first considered Mick Jagger and Burt Reynolds for the lead character.  Sure, one of them is a talented performer capable of pulling off a comedic role, but the other is Burt Reynolds.

Screenplay – This is what makes Fletch so revolutionary.  Chase took that screenplay, which was derived from the series of Fletch books by award-winning author Gregory McDonald, and ad-libbed the shit out of it.  Do you really think some Hollywood hack would ever be inspired to pen, “Somebody’s buckin’ for a promotion.  Probably that petterass, Hanrahan”?

Director – Not only did Michael Ritchie direct Fletch but he also directed The Bad News Bears, Wildcats, and Cops and Robbersons.  And as we know in the movie industry, three out of four ain’t bad.

Score – If you can be trusted with the techno-funk tunes of all three Beverly Hills Cop movie scores then, Harold Faltermeyer, you can do my Fletch soundtrack any day.

In fact, this movie had all the makings of Best Picture in 1985.  But some slap-job called Out of Africa took home the Oscar that year.  Perpetuating the comedy bias that still exists to this day, Fletch didn’t even get nominated.  Neither did other classic 1985 films like Back to the Future, Goonies and Weird Science.

The Color Purple?  Sorry.  Dumb title and I saw the ending a mile away.

Fletch was historic.  Name another movie that simultaneously launched the careers of Geena Davis and the dad from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Name another movie that introduced as many common phrases into our contemporary vernacular.  You can’t tell me you go more than a day without asking somone, “Can I borrow your towel?  My car just hit a water buffalo,” or, “Does this entail me dressing up as Little Bo Peep?”

I mean, the man changed his identity more often than his underwear.  It even says so on the movie poster that’s hanging in my basement.

But Fletch gets no critical acclaim.  Even Roger Ebert gave it a measly 2.5 stars back in the day when he was playing second fiddle to Gene Siskel.

Most of the people I know like Fletch but don’t rank it among their favorite movies.

Which is weird considering it’s the greatest movie in the history of filmmaking.

In due time I’ll cover the rest of my Top 5 and why I like them:

2.  Hoosiers (I wanted that to happen to me)

3.  Red Dawn (I wanted that to happen to me)

4.  The Princess Bride (I wanted her to happen to me)

5.  The Outsiders (I may or may not have referred to myself as “Pony Boy” in 4th grade)

But in the meantime, I’ll let you debate it.  It wouldn’t be fair to reveal my Top 5 and not allow you space to reveal yours.  Even though yours is likely ignorant and wrong.  I’m gonna go catch the last 10 minutes of Dynasty.

This piece features artwork designed by Scott Shaffer.