A Gentleman’s Guide To Bathroom Etiquette (Part II), by Matt Shirley

For Part 1 of the Gentleman’s Guide, click here.

Defecation

There’s perhaps nothing more tricky than preserving gentlemanliness when it’s time to produce a Number 2 in a public setting. And it’s equally important to remember one’s etiquette while dumping in the comforts of your own home.  Both experiences can cause monumental repercussions, which makes strict rules of etiquette that much more important.

Family Bathroom

As previously stated, our home base gives us many freedoms.  But there are a few things we should remember when we don our away jerseys to a family bathroom setting. The first question we must ask ourselves while producing at someone else’s home toilet is, “Why am I here?”  This question might seem a bit existential for an occasion involving defecation but it has real-world implications.  A gentleman’s only acceptable answer is: “Because it was an emergency.”  The only other acceptable excuse for making stool at another person’s home is spite.  If you fall into this category, you shouldn’t be reading a guide to etiquette but rather something like, “How to Really Piss Someone Off by Dropping a Huge Trout in Their Toilet.”  I think that’s by some other author.

Scenario: Dennis finds himself with his pants down in his girlfriend’s parents’ bathroom.

First we must assume that Dennis either consumed a bucket of bad shellfish or unbeknownst to him, he was slipped a few tablespoons of TurboLax.  Severe caution has to be demonstrated under either circumstance.  The last thing Dennis wants to do is ruin everyone’s night by having to explain why his pants are in the hall and there’s water everywhere.  First, he must take a deep breath and remember his etiquette.

The first rule to a successful Family Bathroom deposit is to make sure that the toilet is open for business.  While a Dumb and Dumber type situation seems outlandish, we have all encountered a toilet that was somewhat less than functional. Test runs are a good idea, to ensure that the toilet can accommodate even the most extreme of masses.  A true emergency might see Dennis brush aside the test run, but when tragedy strikes, he can’t say he wasn’t warned.

After the test flush, it is time for action.  This guide has no intention of going into details as to how to accomplish the objective, but suffice it to say that you pretty much sit and let instinct take over.  After the transaction has been completed and Dennis is again fully clothed, he must turn his attention to the next item on his list of worries: stench-prevention. If Dennis opens the door to find his soon-to-be mother in law there waiting her turn, as a cloud of Dennis’s scent wafts over his shoulder, hitting her full frontal as he gives her a high five and says ‘Good Show Madam!’, her opinion of him might decline a bit.

To head this problem off at the root, Dennis will want to inspect his air freshening options.  A match is the best choice, but an air freshening product will certainly do the trick. It should be noted however, that an air freshener has a way of saying, ‘my bacteria are especially fragrant today and so I had to use the scent of meadow raspberries to cover it up.’ But still, assuredly better than the smell of Dennis-matter.  Some bathrooms are already equipped with things like potpourri that can sometimes be quite helpful in covering up any unsavory odors.  However, potpourri can also be the devils work, for on occasion, the scent of fresh dung can mix with the potpourri to produce the most heinous smelling concoction in all of the universe.  So yeah Dennis, watch out for that.

If none of these stink-maskers are available and there is a fan or window in the room, these can be used as a last resort.  For the most effective result, open the window or turn on the fan before declaring battle with the toilet.  In any case, remember to wait until all of the scent is gone before vacating the room, and keep in mind that one can get used to ones own scent, so take steps to ensure that the smell is undetectable to even the most sensitive of noses.

Scenario: Dennis’s worst nightmare: A clog.  What can be done to save his dignity?

Not a whole lot.

While a clog can be manageable in your own home, it can be devastating in the bathroom of someone you care about but don’t really know that well.  Lets go through this step-by-step.

Chances are, once Dennis gets up, he will have a feeling that something could go terribly wrong.  And if he didn’t have time for a trial flush, this is the point where he begins sweating and hopes that this toilet is similar to those non-clog beasts in college dorms and busy airports. Unfortunately however, there is little chance of such luck. In fact, the opposite is more likely to be true; that he is dealing with a ½ gallon flusher that would have a hard time getting even the tamest of dumps down on the first flush.

At the point Dennis realizes he might encounter trouble, he will want to prepare himself for the worst-case scenario.  This involves the removal and setting aside of the toilet’s lid so that he will be able to stop the flow of water if need be.  Now, the moment of truth.  At this point, Dennis might consider praying to the toilet gods and any other gods to which he normally prays in order to ask for their help in safely delivering his leavings to the sewers. Dennis holds his breath and gives it a good firm flush.  After it has begun, three things can happen:

1) Toilet will flush successfully.  The least likely and most desirable of all options.  If this does occur, Dennis might consider fasting for a few days or sacrificing some corn to the toilet gods he prayed to earlier.

2) It clogs.  Shit.  Literally.  Well at least Dennis was prepared. He can now lift the arm that holds the ball, so the water will stop running and hopefully it will not overflow completely.  But this leaves him with a few additional problems.  Now the water is near the top of the bowl, he needs to figure out how to make his deposit go down.  Not to mention the fact that his girlfriend and her parents are starting to wonder what the hell he is doing and the extra 20 minutes fixing these problems isn’t going to set them at ease. At this point Dennis needs to breath deeply once again and assess the situation.

If he’s lucky, there will be a plunger somewhere in the bathroom that he can use to help right the wrong he has committed. When the plunger is located, it’s very important that he wait until the water in the bowl goes down to a safe level.  This way when he does decide to plunge, he won’t displace the water in the bowl and splash it all over himself and the floor.  He does not want to go back to dinner with feces-water on his pants.  When it’s safe, Dennis can begin plunging.  The rule of plunging is simple: Never give up.  It may take a few plunges for the water level to go down but this does not necessarily mean that the clog is fixed.  Another flush may reveal that the mass is still firmly lodged and the water will again rise.  The whole process of stopping the water and waiting until it goes back down before plunging will have to be started again.  But eventually the toilet will be freed of its burden and Dennis will be able to wipe his sweaty brow, wash the plunger and his hands, and get back to dinner.

What happens if there isn’t a plunger?  Probability says that there will be a toilet brush or other utensil that can help Dennis unclog the toilet.  But this will be rough going.  These objects are not designed to help free rogue dumps so some creativity will have to be used and a mess will certainly be made. At the very least, he is obligated to ensure that the toilet appears normal, and that the next unsuspecting user will be met with a surprise and will have to deal with the clog themselves.  They may not suspect him, although the more time he spends in the bathroom, the less likely they will think that it was their own fault.

3) Dennis tries to flush the toilet but there is something wrong with the mechanism and the toilet just won’t flush.  This situation is problematic whether Dennis thought his leavings were unflushable or whether they were comparable to rabbit droppings. After a quick inspection, Dennis will be able to determine whether or not he can fix the broken commode.  If there is water in the tank, most likely he will be able to manage a flush or two by dipping his hand into the water (the water in the upper tank, not where he just pooped—dipping hands in this water is never advisable) and releasing the stopper, but if the tank is dry, and assuming that Dennis isn’t a plumber or toilet connoisseur, there is little for him to do but call to his girlfriend for help, or leave a note on the toilet’s lid with a comical warning like “Disaster Area” or “Watch Out!  Poop in Here.”

Maintaining a Family Bathroom

1) Toilet Paper Maintenance – As a gentleman, it is your duty to always put the roll of TP on the holder so that the paper rolls over the holder. The problem with an under-rolling apparatus is that it is really hard to make a clean tear.  Say Dennis is sitting there holding his Golf Magazine in one hand and would like to do some wiping with the other.  When he goes for a one-handed swift rip on the TP, it just rolls and rolls so that about half of the toilet paper is now on the floor.  Now Dennis has to either start his business while the paper is still attached to the rest of the roll (a vile idea) or he has to set down his magazine and direct his full attention to the mess on the floor.  With a properly rolled TP, Dennis can cut toilet time in half, by efficiently executing an ambidextrous approach to pooping.

2) One-Ply Madness – One-ply toilet paper is for poor people.  And gentlemen are never poor.  If your house has under-rolled one-ply toilet paper and Dennis stops by, he has every right to poop in your sink.  Who invented this stuff?  Someone who liked their hands to smell like their hindquarters.

The economics of one-ply TP are also mysterious.  If you have to fold one-ply TP over so that it doesn’t rip, then doesn’t that make one-ply toilet paper obsolete?  There’s a type of TP that comes already folded: it’s called two-ply and it’s what gentlemen offer. The only reason to buy one-ply is if you are well below the poverty line and/or you really like having poop on your hands.

3) Air Fresheners.  As stated, an air freshening device of some kind is always a good idea in your bathroom.  This will cover you in case you have a date over that tries to get in the bathroom right after you’ve had another bad experience with shellfish or TurboLax.  Or it may save you when you want to shower right after you’ve befouled the bathroom air.  As a general rule, air fresheners are always a good idea and will make your bathroom feel like a safe environment in which to let loose as you feel fit.

Like a gentleman.

Until next time, when we explore more defecation situations, may your toilets always flush, and may there be a plunger around in case they do not.

For more from Matt, click some of the bitchin’ buttons below…

Past work on FlipCollective.com.
To follow him on Twitter.
To befriend him on Facebook.