Three youngish men are crowded around a tiny table at a somewhat run down (but not too run down) coffee shop in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. The men are identifiable by their outlandish clothing and loud banter.
THAD
Who picked this place? I’m not into it.
PEDRO (looking around)
Yeah, there’s nothing authentic about it.
SCOOTER
Georgia recommended it.
PEDRO (turning to Thad while jerking his thumb at SCOOTER)
Apparently his girlfriend doesn’t like unique places.
THAD
Totally ununique. I’m not into it.
A waitress appears. She’s young, blond, and doesn’t seem to be too interested in her job.
WAITRESS (unenthusiastically)
What can I get you guys?
PEDRO
I’ll have a juice box and some Top Ramen.
SCOOTER (quickly)
That sounds good. I’ll have that too.
WAITRESS (confused)
Um, this is a coffee shop. We don’t have juice boxes or Ramen noodles.
The men look disgusted by this news.
PEDRO
Ugh.
THAD
I think I’ll have a box of Parliaments and a Schlitz.
The waitress is dumbfounded.
THAD (taking her look into consideration)
No Schlitz? Fine, I’ll settle for PBR, even though it’s gonna give me 2008 flashbacks.
Scooter snickers heartily.
WAITRESS (shaking her head)
Again, this is a coffee shop. We don’t serve alcohol.
SCOOTER (snarkily, trying to fit in)
Well, enlighten us. What does a coffee shop have?
WAITRESS
This little thing..
The Waitress grabs a menu from between the canisters that hold sugar and cream.
WAITRESS (CONT’D)
…called a menu, has a list of exactly what we serve.
THAD (disregarding menu, still looking at the Waitress)
I prefer to order off-the-menu. Bring me some Palak Paneer…
WAITRESS
But..
THAD
…With a side of Rajma. That sounds delicious.
The waitress glares at Thad with an “Are you kidding me?” look.
WAITRESS
We don’t have Indian food. Only what’s on the menu. Oh and we do have a nice chicken soup today.
PEDRO
Ugh! Chicken? We’re vegetarians of course.
SCOOTER (quickly, snarkily, again trying to fit in)
Of course.
THAD
Fine. I’ll just have a scone.
PEDRO
Vanilla Roast for me. Organic of course.
WAITRESS (nodding her head and writing)
Uh-huh.
SCOOTER (looking at the menu)
I don’t want anything. Nothing on here is unique.
THAD
That’s true. It is a very mundane food list.
A half-smile from Scooter, he’s pleased that Thad agrees.
WAITRESS (taking the menu)
I do apologize. I’ll have your order out in a second.
The waitress walks away and the three men are silent until she’s out of earshot.
THAD (pointing over his shoulder)
Did you see what she was wearing?
PEDRO
Uber-uncultured.
SCOOTER (attempting to get in a jab)
You wear uncultured stuff too sometimes Pedro. You probably still shop at American Apparel.
PEDRO
Are you kidding me? American Apparel?! Look at me! I couldn’t look any more unique. I look like the five year old from Big Daddy who was allowed to dress himself however he wanted!
THAD
That’s nothing. I made all of these clothes myself and I don’t even know how to sew. I look like a college kid who waited to the last second to prepare my Halloween costume.
SCOOTER
Really?
THAD
Of course not really. What do I look like, an itinerant worker? All of this is from G-Star. I just ripped the labels off.
SCOOTER
Why’d you do that? G-Star is cool. It’s Spanish! Speaking of Spanish, isn’t my haircut cool? It’s totes European.
THAD
Your haircut is mundane.
SCOOTER (retaliating)
Your mustache is mundane! And you aren’t even wearing giant, unwieldy headphones!!
Thad is aghast at these remarks. He notices Pedro and Scooter’s giant headphones and just as he opens his mouth to retaliate, Pedro steps in.
PEDRO
Alright guys. This argument is making my head hurt. I haven’t ingested anything but cocaine in 3 days.
Pause as the guys simmer.
THAD
Alright.
SCOOTER
Fine.
Another pause, somewhat awkward this time.
PEDRO (to Scooter, breaking the silence)
Where’d you get your scarf Scooter? I like how it’s yellow and purple and red.
SCOOTER (warily)
It’s French. It’s from a little shop in Paris.
The waitress returns with their food and begins passing it out.
THAD
Gawd, I love Paris. Everyone there is so….cultured.
PEDRO
Yeah, Paris is amazing. So beautifully unique.
WAITRESS (speaking up)
Really? I kind of thought Paris was sort of dirty.
The men look up at the waitress with death stares.
SCOOTER (incredulous)
You don’t like Paris??
THAD (under his breath)
She wouldn’t…
The waitress sets a cup of coffee in front of Pedro and a scone in front of Thad as she speaks.
WAITRESS
I don’t think it’s as nice as everyone says. Yeah the touristy stuff is okay but when you get down to it, the city and the people are just kind of…ugly. I don’t know. I guess some people like it.
PEDRO
There’s just so much culture.
SCOOTER
And the food… Best in the world.
WAITRESS
Maybe. When were you guys there last?
The men look to one another, not knowing what to say and who will say it.
WAITRESS
Wait. Have any of you ever been to Paris?
Silence from the men.
WAITRESS (starting slowly)
Oh…Kay… I actually lived there for a year. You guys should go. Judge for yourselves…
The waitress grabs an empty sugar packet and tucks it into her pocket as she walks away.
PEDRO
I don’t like her.
Pedro takes a bite of his scone.
PEDRO (CONT’D)
And who goes places? We live in the capital of the world. People from Paris tell me all the time how much better New York is anyway.
THAD
Yeah. I’m not into her at all.
SCOOTER
And she’s SO standard looking.
THAD (picking up the thread of a conversation he likes, looking down as he talks about Scooter’s girlfriend)
Georgia’s standard looking…
SCOOTER (getting riled)
What?! She has a huge crooked nose, bug eyes, and barely any chin at all! Pedro told me you always date standard-looking girls.
THAD
I resent that. I haven’t dated a white girl since 1992!
PEDRO (chiming in)
What about Collette?
THAD
She was Spanish!
PEDRO
Still counts as white…
THAD (to Pedro)
At least I don’t date pretty girls!
PEDRO
My girlfriend is WAY uglier than yours!
THAD
My girlfriend hasn’t washed her hair in two months!
SCOOTER
Georgia has never once owned makeup; she always looks like she just got mugged!
THAD (who’s just remembered something)
(to Scooter)
I heard Georgia wants to go to the Tribeca Film Festival!
Scooter recoils in horror. Pedro takes a bite of his scone nonchalantly.
SCOOTER
Damn it. I told her to keep her mouth shut.
Thad shrugs his shoulders as he chews.
SCOOTER (CONT’D)
You’re right though. Tribeca sucks. I hate her for that.
PEDRO
It’s so over-commercialized. It’s barely better than Sundance.
The waitress returns.
THAD
Tribeca is like the Gwen Stefani of film festivals.
WAITRESS
You guys don’t like Tribeca?
PEDRO
How could you? It’s so over-commercialized.
THAD
There’s no authenticity left.
WAITRESS
Did you guys go last year? I thought there was some pretty good stuff…
SCOOTER (making conspiratorial eye contact with his compatriots)
Yeah we went. Everything was so mundane.
THAD
I wasn’t into it.
WAITRESS
What didn’t you like last year?
The guys look at each other again, cluelessly.
PEDRO
…The over-commercialization…
WAITRESS
What specifically?
The guys look to one-another again with nervous looks. Suddenly an outburst.
PEDRO (almost yelling)
We don’t have to justify ourselves to you! We just didn’t like it!
SCOOTER (rallying behind Pedro)
Yeah!
WAITRESS (taken aback at the aggressiveness, quickly apologizing)
Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I’ll be back right away with your check.
The waitress walks off, eyes wide.
THAD (almost at a whisper)
Close call.
PEDRO
We don’t need to actually go.
SCOOTER
Yeah, NPR will tell us everything we need to know about it.
Pause. Pedro takes a sip. Awkward silence.
SCOOTER (CONT’D)
Did you hear they had Beach House on NPR the other day? It was pretty good.
Pedro and Thad look at each other and burst out laughing.
THAD
You still like Beach House?!?
SCOOTER (defensive)
Yeah… Are they not cool anymore?
PEDRO
God no. They are so over-commercialized.
THAD (snootily)
They’re damn near Vampire Weekend bad. My favorite bands are ones I haven’t even heard of yet.
PEDRO (at Scooter)
You’re soooo uncultured Scooter
SCOOTER (even more defensive now)
I AM cultured! Come on, you’ve seen my beach cruiser, right?
THAD
Good try.
SCOOTER (getting desperate)
I have 200 Twitter followers and I’m not following anyone!
THAD
That’s not unique. And you wear glasses because you have a vision problem.
PEDRO (pointing at Scooter)
Haha! So uncultured. Look at mine! They’re red, held together w masking tape, and they don’t even have lenses!
THAD
I made mine out of Bandaids and Tinkertoys Mine are the most unique.
Waitress arrives holding the check.
SCOOTER (protesting)
But…
WAITRESS (interrupting)
Excuse me guys. Here’s your check. Pay me whenever you’re ready. Oh and before you ask, we don’t take British Pounds or Buffalo Nickels. Only American currency.
The waitress begins to walk away.
THAD (to Pedro)
Can you take care of this? I only have hundreds.
SCOOTER (looking through his wallet)
Yeah, me too…
Waitress thinks of something and turns around.
WAITRESS
By the way, I wouldn’t normally say anything but it seems like you guys could use the help. This whole charade that you guys are doing (the waitress waves her finger at the scene in front of her)—the one-upsmanship of who can be the most authentic or unique—it’s totally transparent and worthless. Because you fail to realize, that in all of your attempts to look and act unique, you end up looking and acting exactly the same. Which makes you boring, pretentious, arrogant, unoriginal assholes.
The guys are dumbfounded. Their mouths hang open at her words.
WAITRESS (CONT’D)
Have a great day.
A long pause as the boys look to one another in awkward silence. After a bit of recovery time, the silence breaks.
PEDRO (re: speech)
At least that was authentic.
THAD
I’m not into it.
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Agreed…
This would have been funnier if it wasn’t for half my friends acting exactly like those guys.
And now you wait for your hipster Twitter followers to “ironically” un-follow you.
hahahaha totes unoriginal piece. By friend did a better job back in ’07.
American Apparel is for conformists.
I conform to non-conformity…
Calculated apathy is hard work.
“I made mine out of Bandaids and Tinkertoys. Mine are the most unique.” love it. this instantly tranported me to williamsburg. i’ve never actually been to williamsburg.
I rode the train through Williamsburg once, and I picked up AIDS. …Or whatever disease is trendy. Autism?
Good grief, that was a trite critique.
Vanilla Roast for me. Organic of course
this is the only funny part. HAHA ORGANIC! it’s ironic, because hipsters dress like poor people, and poor people eat like ramen noodles and stuff NOT expensive organic food. get it?
Give me give me more give me more MORE! – in no relation to that consumerist whore britney spears of course. Completely original commentary.
Im actually appales of how conformist this article is. I mean, come on, a website? So 1998.
Great shit matt. Keep it coming. How come we all know people like this?
Jenny: Britney is awesome again. Ever since her breakdown she’s been hipster-safe. I listened to Britney all the time while I was dating a Jewish hip-hop dancer. That’s how original I am.