RM To Share With Psychopath In Nolita – 2 BDRM, by Anonymous

Available:  STUNNING room in a recently FLOOR-TO-CEILING RENOVATED two-bedroom unit.  Previous tenant most likely died, as his monthly rent had been a paltry $473 since 1971, when the unit was supposed to go out of rent control.  It is suspected that his children and/ or grandchildren refused to allow him to move out of an apartment this cheap in downtown Manhattan.  It is unknown if he died in the apartment, but so far there have been no visitations by such a specter.  There are, however, terrors going on here of a different nature.  More on this later.

Apartment boasts HUGE CLOSETS and LOTS OF LIGHT, even when you don’t necessarily want it.  Throughout the evening, the firehouse across the street unleashes its truck, its flashing lights creating a most beautiful kaleidoscopic lightshow on the bedroom ceiling.  By the grace of God, the sirens do not come on until they reach the end of the block.  If you so desire, I will include the double layer of window treatments that has allowed me to sleep through the night the past few months.

Only half a story above ground level, this apartment is a piece of cake to move into!  There are only a measly six stairs to traverse to get into your future apartment.  Your proximity to the sidewalk offers further unexpected benefits such as inhaling the cigarette smoke of every passing Chinese immigrant and LES hipster as it wafts through your open window.  If you’re already a smoker, this will probably work well for you, keeping you in a never-ending environment of toxic smoke.

I hope you’re a dog person, because there’s a really ugly one here for you to pretend to love.  This, of course, is optional.  If you’re a fan of black clothing or not looking like a human lint roller, I highly recommend steering clear of the mutt entirely.  Be prepared to deal with tumbleweeds of fur and doggy dander tucked into every corner of the place.  BRING YOUR SWIFFER KIT!

If you opt to put your friendship with this beast on layaway, be prepared to deal with the consequences.  Although its owner will declare otherwise, the dog is more a selectively housetrained animal than a rigidly obedient one.  It picks and chooses when and where it wants to take its ones and twos.  If its owner, your future roommate, hasn’t been home for hours and hours and hours, the dog will most likely piss and/or shit right in front of your ELEGANT WOODEN DOUBLE DOORS.  Be careful where you step when coming home late at night.  I recommend having house shoes that you don’t wear in your bedroom.  This will make you look highly neurotic, but it’s better than walking around with dried poop on the bottom of your shoe for two weeks until you discover that it’s been there all along.  Meanwhile, you’ve been tracking feces on your ARTFULLY REFURBISHED HARDWOOD FLOORS.

The BRAND NEW KITCHEN has never been used, and you most likely won’t get that much use out of it either.  Your future roommate loves to cook and her provisions take up 90% of the kitchen cabinets and refrigerator.  Be sure to find out when fish night is; that one’s the most fun to come home to, second only to scrambled eggs.

Unfortunately, there is no dishwasher.  However, the aforementioned dog is a big fan of cleaning plates with her tongue.  Simply put your bowl of breakfast, lunch, or dinner remnants on the floor and let her have at it!  Don’t worry about the germs.  Supposedly the inside of a dog’s mouth is cleaner than our own.  If you are like myself and don’t stand by that adage, I will leave the separate set of dishware and sponge that I have kept hidden on the top shelf for personal use.  It must be noted that the “secret” sponge is not a secret any longer: in a most recent argument I was forced to expose the cause of my strange behavior, screaming, “You want to know why I have my own forks and my own spoons?!  Because you let your dog eat off your fucking plates and it’s disgusting!  Okay?!”

The LAVISH BATHROOM is also brand new.  With the exception of residual dried dog vomit lodged in the tile grout and the bathmat covered in more hair, the bathroom is one of the cleanest I have been in in quite some time.

For those of you who fancy yourself something of a wino, you will most likely enjoy the fifty-bottle wine rack occupying one wall.  What doesn’t fit in said wine rack naturally ends up on the floor surrounding it, creating a moat of cabs and merlots.  For those of you who feel most at home in a bar, this is your apartment!  If you want to open the COURTYARD WINDOW, get used to crawling over a sofa and using your body weight to heave it open.  It’s not the easiest task, but I don’t suggest expressing your opinion that the living room is common space and perhaps it is rude to turn the room into a wine cellar.  The last time I did that the response was a screaming match that involved your future roommate threatening she would go derelict on rent.

Speaking of which, the FOURTEEN-FOOT CEILINGS create a fabulous acoustic environment for screaming.  You’ll want to do this a lot while you’re here.  I highly recommend this living situation for someone who graduated pre-law.  Your future roommate loves to twist words around and manipulate situations to her winning advantage as though in a courtroom.  It is best you are able to do the same, lest you find yourself questioning your own sanity.

Apartment will be available for viewing immediately.