What’s that sound? Is the vacuum cleaner having sex with the garage door?
Is every llama in the world being slaughtered in my backyard?
Could that be a moped gang riding to a common, holy location like motorcycle gangs flock to Sturgis, SD, only this would be a moped gang meaning it would rally to a much lamer-sounding town like Schmerken, Iowa?
Oh, no wait, that’s just soccer I hear.
Soccer is the world’s game which, apparently, means it needs to be heard everywhere in that world. And now it is, thanks to these noisemakers that are (further) ruining the World Cup. As it turns out, that is not a giant bee colony nesting somewhere in my tympanic membrane. That is a giant collection of soccer fans blowing into skinny horns whenever they’re happy/sad/breathing.
Oh, sorry, South Africa, I guess I’m supposed to refer to these drone phones as vuvuzelas. As if dressing up this bastard child of a funnel and a kazoo with a fancy name makes it any less annoying. It hasn’t worked for Ochocinco; I’m not buying it with your meter-long siren sticks, either.
I think I speak for the entire Nelson Mandela family when I ask, “How many bad ideas can you come up with, South Africa?”
And you, soccer, we get it: More people in the world watch you than any other sport. So what? More people in the world drink water from piss-filled reservoirs than from Dasani.
I’ll let you win this popularity contest. Just please toot your own horn only figuratively.
I thought we had an understanding, soccer. I cut down on the always cliché but uber-hilarious “can’t use your hands” jokes as long as you stay the hell away from my kids.
The only good news is that now I can hear you coming.
Tell me: What’s behind the decision to allow fans already carrying the riot-tendency gene to freely wield fight-provoking devices? My wife can’t bring her purse into a baseball game but all 80,000 soccer fans can import trumpets into a World Cup match.
Who wants to hear this? It’s bad enough to hear the constant buzz transferred from a boom mike to a production truck up to a space satellite down to a ground satellite through a cable and out my living room television. Thus, I can’t imagine being surrounded by vuvuzelas for an entire soccer match. I mean, I wouldn’t be able to hear myself think these awful thoughts … about vuvuzelas.
Here’s an idea: Why don’t you blow your vuvuzelas when something positive happens for your team? Which, in soccer, would be, like, twice a game. I don’t see the need for this monotone, B-flat soundtrack to play underneath – more like over the top – of the entire sporting event. We’ve got U2 for that.
Ohhhhh, I’d better not make fun of U2, because they sing the soccer anthem and because Bono loves kids more than me. Oh well, U2 does Coldplay better than Coldplay does Coldplay. And soccer does boring better than C-Span does boring. And vuvuzelas do ear damage better than U2 does ear damage. That’s right, I brought it back.
It’s not that I despise you, soccer. I’ve learned to appreciate you. Sometimes, I cop to “enjoying you.” I may not be listening, but I’ll be watching you this World Cup. High praise, I know. But before you get your Umbros in a bunch, know that I watch the Scripps National Spelling Bee every year. That doesn’t mean I’m camping out at elementary schools in the interim. Which is more than I can say for you, sicko.
Soccer, I’ve always taken issue with how you try so hard to be different. It’s a pitch, not a field. It’s nil, not zero. It’s off-sides, not a potentially exciting play that could draw more people to your sport. While we’re on the subject, how about a clock that ticks backwards and actually stops when play stops? I don’t know. Just spitballin’ here.
Fine, I’ll grant you your idiosyncrasies. Do you need more, though? Do you really need a stadium-sized woodwind section to stand out? I think scarves at a sporting event already make the “I’m different” case quite well.
Keep your protector shields, your collared game jerseys, and your British dialogue. “Organise” it however you want, just give me back my ear drums and my sanity. The sound of 80,000 vuvuzelas is like Chinese water torture, if China were in South Africa and if water torture were something akin to Fran Drescher’s laugh.
Maybe all you soccer fans could simply use your voice boxes to vocalize your feelings to your team, your sport, your fellow fans. That way, you could provide us with different sounds depending on your mood during the game, er, match. For instance, for a goal you could yell, “Yay!” For a bad call you could yell, “Boo!” And for everything in between you could just be quiet instead of spitting out fart noises through a long, plastic tube.
Oh yeah, and you could also not murder people for losing games, but that’s gonna be a much harder habit to break.
Even if you’re somehow immune to the vuvuzelas irritating hum, isn’t there a point during a two-hour soccer match when the sound gets, IDK, repetitive?
South African fan: “Check this out. BRURRRRRRRR.”
Mexican fan: “Wait till you hear this. BRURRRRRRRR.”
Uruguayan fan: “Look at what mine can do! BRURRRRRRRR.”
French fan: “I don’t even need a vuvuzela. My attitude is so abrasive that it makes this same sound. BRURRRRRRRR.”
I want to blame France for this. I also want to blame Obama, Brett Favre, Mighty Putty, people who don’t brush their tongue, Guinness beer, my old dog Missy, the Bronze Age for inventing instruments, and episodes 15-30 of Bumper Stumpers.
But, truth is, they’re only 49% responsibility for the vuvuzela. The rest of the blame lies with you, soccer. You’re now pissing off the entire world. It’s a world that has so far put up with your silly rules, your nil-nil matches, and your shirtless celebrations. But now, you’ve taken different too far.
Different now borders on criminal. I would rather have fans bring sticks of fire to a match than to have them blare these valve-less cornets of hate.
The World Cup should be what you tout and toot it to be: the greatest sporting event on the planet. I should be marveling at the skill of the Italians, the improvement of the Americans, the haircuts of the Brazilians.
Instead, I’m oddly attracted to Schmerken, Iowa. And I hear they hate soccer there.
Tweet
I have been trying to like soccer and that noise makes it even harder. The name “vuvuzelas” is as as bad as the sound it produces.
I think they should make rules changes so that there are more goals scored like tying one of goalies arm behind his back. Soccer is boring as it is right now. Let’s spice it up!
don’t blame soccer for this bastard child. blame south africa. they don’t use this crap in the Prem, or Serie A, or Bundesliga, et al.
it’s a shame, to not be able to hear fans cheering and chanting. i absolutely love soccer, but this is really ruining the game. especially for those just casuaully interested in the WC.
also, please blame ESPN for their terrible job at coverage during matches. if i see one more slow-mo shot of a coach wiping his face, i’m going to light myself on fire. it’s like ESPN doesn’t know how to cover soccer. “Let’s show everyone how dramatic soccer is with a slow-mo, teeth-gritting extreme close up, while a goal kick is being taken.” it is NEVER like this when watching regular league play (on Fox soccer channel, etc).
as far as “soccer is boring” – to each his own. if you go to an EPL game you might feel differently. but yes, this WC has been tough to watch so far, with all of the draws(also a shame for the above-mentioned), not to mention how much they’ve marketed it, with such low, anticlimactic results.
also, the ball sucks. have you felt it? my husband and i saw it in a store recently and said, “this cannot be the ball – it feels like it’s made of cheap plastic.” and then we saw the $150 price tag. i don’t blame the players for hating it. FIFA should listen to the players like the NBA did with that synthetic crap they tried to pull a few years ago.
that is all.
I’m one of those “i only watch soccer when the world cup comes around” type of guys, I also dont watch a full NBA season but is glued to the tv when the playoffs start, the only reason I watch a full season of the NFL is because it only comes on once a week – most of the time – anyway for most other sports i only really start tuning in when the playoffs or equivalent to the highest regarded tournament, race, etc. comes around.
This year I’ve been trying really hard to get into it, so much so that after 10 – 15 minutes i have been able to train my mind to ignore the dreaded vuvuzelas. Still, for this being the World Cup, the best atheletes of the best qualified countries, duking it out for 4 years of bragging rights – ummm, it’s not happening for me.
I can deal with the low scoring, if american football goals werent inflated in numbers we would have a bunch of 3-1 and 1-0 scores every week. What I don’t get is the ties, er, draws. Why not go to penalty kicks in group play? It would definitely increase the hype of the event. Even the NHL, and as Paul Shirley wrote once – nobody watches the NHL, went to penalties to avoid draws and make the game more exiting. Also, a point that Holly brought up is the awful coverage on ESPN, for a 90 minute game that has at most 3 scores a match you would expect some more excitement when someone actually scores, it’s not until the celebration on field and the replay that you figure out a goal was scored, where is the dude that yells gooooooaaallllll!! – we need him on this fast or I’ll lose interest until the final match comes along and I force myself to watch it.
It does not speak well for the World Cup that so far the #1 story is how annoying the horns are.
by the way i loved this piece, especially how you brought it back to Iowa in the end, very well written and funny .
I used to like soccer but I think this World Cup is curing me of that.
Felix and Lee’s comments are spot on. I despise soccer as I much as I do hockey. But, when the US is playing, I turn into Captain America. I throw on my t-shirt with the wolf looking over a valley perched on a majestic cliff with the red, white, and blue flying in the background, throw down a case of High Life, and and blast Rick Derringer’s “Real American”. But for fuck’s sake, get rid of these elongated kazoo’s or I’m done.
JS82 – I’ve said the word “vuvuzelas” 18 different ways and still haven’t got it right.
holly – Please don’t light yourself on fire, but please keep using that line. Pretty funny. I appreciate soccer and the more I’ve watched it the past several years the more I’m able to decipher good from bad soccer. It’s not going to change for a sensory overloaded world and it shouldn’t. But the damn horns are not good for people teetering on the fence.
felix – Yeah, to Holly’s point, it seems like ESPN is going out of it’s way to over-dramatize the WC. Slo-mo cameras are expensive and it seems like they’ve got about 15 of ‘em.
Lee – Agreed.
Matt – That suprises me. The first part, that is.
China – I am the exact same as you. Gulp. As long as it’s country vs. country, it has my interest. And I have that same t-shirt.
@ Holly
Don’t blame ESPN for the slo-mo shots of random stuff, they’re using the FIFA world feed
Who really gives a f**k if a bunch of bratty Americans don’t like soccer? Get off your high horse and go bomb somebody.
If the vuvuzelas are that distracting to you then please, do us all a favor and turn it off. Your entire piece is much more irritating than the vuvuzela, trust me.
Goal, Mick. Vuvuzelas need a red card. For the record, there is no Schmerken, Iowa, but we appreciate the sentiment.
excellent point chris….now whereabouts do you live?
in alls eriousness, thanks for stating what the entire northern american continent is feeling now. sportscenter is unwatchable right now with the NBA finals (finally over….i could give two shits about a rapist winning his fifth title) and the world cup.
baseball and golf, goddammit! it’s american, it’s summer….COME ON!!
Matt – Good point.
topher – Come on, “bomb somebody”? That’s as lame as the “don’t use your hands” lines for soccer. You can do better than that. Good to grab (and then lose) an international reader, though!
Debra – I coulda sworn it was between Waterloo and Fort Dodge. ;)
adelsig – I can never remember which happens first: the NBA Finals or the start of next year’s NBA season. (See, Chris, we can poke fun at lotsa sports here without going nuts). Good points, sig, but I will not be giving you an emoticon. Just kidding. :)