I am skipping out of work early today to watch Portugal vs. Spain. I was trying to come up with a reason to leave, but my bowels made my decision easy. I have a crazy case of diarrhea. It’s not even 9 am, yet I have dropped the entire neighborhood’s kids off at the pool. But for some reason using diarrhea as an excuse to leave work early seems a bit uncouth – so I went home with a case of the gay, on account of Cristiano Ronaldo.
Now that I’m home, I gear down immediately – soccer, as most events, is more enjoyable in the nude.
I’m gonna write a diary of my experience watching the game. I like reading these things, and since I’m the best writer in Detroit, I figure I should try my hand at it.
Pregame
Ronaldo prays, and in doing so I think he just made God gay. What if God were gay? He may be gay; he did invent rainbows, after all. Would religious folk accept him, or try and “save” him? I am definitely bringing this up with the church group I don’t attend.
If I ever have a son he is definitely going to be named “Ronaldo.” Three of the best players of this generation have shared that moniker.
The word “moniker” sounds like a Chicagoan saying “Monica.”
BTW, I am happy the U.S. got booted. I hate underdogs. I like watching good teams. The worst part about watching U.S. soccer is that they are presented as an upper echelon team, which they are not. I have no clue what an echelon is or what it looks like, but the U.S. soccer team would be mid-echelon, at best
Min 1
Torres with a sick shot. In honor of his sick shot, I took one: liquid cocaine, Bacardi 151 and Jaeger. Puke.
Min 2
David Villa stepped his game up today in response to Ronaldo. His hair is impeccably gelled.
Bryant Gumbel thinks this should not be called the world cup and is not watching due to the paucity of black athletes. And James Watson is not watching due to the abundance of black athletes. Fuckin racists (tongue firmly implanted in cheek).
What they said was uncomfortable, not racist. If lack of comfort is the measuring stick for racism then my bed is David Duke.
Min 6
Announcer just described Spain as a team full of swagger, and M.I.A. just received another royalty check. They also described Spain’s incessant attack as “rapey.”
Portuguese forward, Hugo Almeida, looks like Jon Hamm (you can Google him, I’ll wait).
These two teams have raised Bed-Head’s stock price with their pre-game coifs. Vidal Sasoon must be a Spanish substitute, ’cause the flows in this game are red-carpet-worthy.
Min 9
Sergio Ramos dives for a call. I hate the diving in soccer – but I have to fess up – I dove once in a match. I was defending a corner, and the forward barely bumped me and I was instantly writhing in pain. I was not ashamed then, and I am not ashamed now. My dive was hilarious, and it made it onto my highlight tape – in fact, it was my highlight tape.
Min 12
I hate girls that feel the need to hug at the culmination of every encounter.
Min 20
I wish my penis made a vuvuzela noise when it was blown. This world cup is all about blowing – calls and vuvuzelas.
Min 31
I have been searching for a Lance Armstrong “one ball/testicle” joke for the last ten minutes. I couldn’t find it. But for my sake, pretend I did, and laugh.
Min 33
I’m eating M&Ms. I hate people that are able to distinguish M&M colors by taste alone. I can’t differentiate between M&M’s, they all taste the same.
Min 34
I want British people to announce all sporting events. I love the condescending tone and the dramatic cadence they deliver their play-by-play with. I would die if a Brit announced a NASCAR event.
“I thought we had poor dental hygiene until I took a peak at these barmy fans.”
“This rubbish waste more gasoline than the British Petroleum spill.” They would probably just call British Petroleum… Petroleum, ya think?
Min 35
Ronaldo gets fouled but the ref ignores the foul and his indignation.
Min 37
Fingernails are not gross until they are cut.
Min 45
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer just showed up, and she is asking all the players to show their papers. This law is getting out of hand, no?
Halftime
I understand that I am very late on this story but I just read about Magician David Copperfield’s rape case. It is sad news but it does raise a very poignant question. Since he is accused of raping a woman, does this mean he was never gay? I thought he preferred the company of men this whole time, hmmmm. I though his marriage was marred with rumors of gay infidelity.
Portugal is late coming back from the break. The announcers think it is gamesmanship on their part. I think they got lost in Ronaldo’s eyes.
Min 45
Ben Roethlisberger must have shown up drunk, because Portugal has switched to an all out defensive front.
Min 47
Ronaldo winked at the camera and impregnated half of the Iberian Peninsula. He’s fucked Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton – he is one Lohan away from the whore tri-fecta, and probably the H.I. virus.
Min 49
Spanish defender Puyol dove. He is receiving a yellow card for faking. In a related story I would like to give out a yellow card to Heidi for faking multiple times.
Min 50
This game has been okay so far, I just hope PKs are avoided. A penalty kick shootout is equivalent to having great sex, except when explosion time comes (pun much) you have to finish the job by jacking off.
Min 52
I really want Ronaldo to score. Some of my friends fail to grasp my allegiance to the cocky, arrogant, and unlikable Ronaldo. But, isn’t it trite to root against these types of people? I know he’s a cunt, but I love him. I also rooted for O.J. to be acquitted – so maybe my judgment should come under fire.
Min 54
The fouls have an air of ruthlessness to them this half. Lance Armstrong must have shown up, cause this game is getting testy. Ha, I did it. Unlike Lance I was able to use his testicle.
Min 63
David Villa scored and he is mobbed by his teammates, yet his hair retains its amazing style. He brought his “A” game today; he has out-gelled and outplayed Ronaldo.
Min 66
British announcers just bet a round of drinks on who committed a foul. I love these guys. I would much rather hear this during a game then Mark Jackson’s “mama, there goes that man.” And these Brits aren’t in a constant state of audition for a coaching job, a la Jackson and Van Gundy.
Min 69
The announcers just described the foul as a “Portuguese Sandwich,” and now I’m really hungry.
Min 71
The Cristiano Ronaldo bandwagon is uncomfortably empty right now.
A Brazilian forward with Portuguese citizenship just subbed into the game. I’m done with the Donovan era – why don’t we go the MLB route and start handing out citizenship. I’m sure Sao Paulo has some amazing soccer players interspersed among the models and topless beaches.
Min 72
Announcer describing David Villa’s mentality: “Villa wants it, Villa gets it.” I just found my new pick-up line – beware, ladies and Ronaldo.
Min 74
Lalalalalalalalalalalalala, I just wanted to see how that looked in print.
Min 78
Why am I even recording the minutes? You guys don’t care, I could write “Min Purple” and y’all wouldn’t bat an eyelash. You used to care, but not anymore, this relationship is getting stale. Are you cheating on me, are you reading other writers? You’ve been reading Matt Shirley haven’t you? I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.
Min 80
Ronaldo just did something amazing, but nothing came of it. He is veering off into White J-Will territory right now, I’m not happy.
Min Purple
Spain wins. But after this poopy Ronaldo performance we all lose.
Villa and Ronaldo trade hair care products instead of jerseys.
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