As something of a charmer, I always seem to know exactly what to say to the ladies, even in the most difficult of scenarios. Whether I’m trying to keep them, get them, or simply appease them, I choose my words very carefully. The following are great lines, generated by a true ladies’ man, guaranteed to charm the girl in question through even the most precarious of social situations.
Finding that Special Someone
First impressions are key. For us to succeed as a lady-charmer, our first conversation must incorporate the most suave lines in our arsenal.
1) “Hi, what’s your name? Oh. Susan? Really? Ok… I’ll call you Katie.
2) “My last girlfriend was almost too hot. I couldn’t deal with it. So now I’m looking for more girls who look like you.”
3) “If I made a Venn diagram of things you are saying and things I care about, there would be no intersection.”
Closing the Deal
The most crucial part of adding to your spreadsheet of female conquests is closing the deal. It requires the kind of finesse you might see at the local figure skating competition or ballet, but with less gay. Take a look at the following lines that will help you close the deal.
1) “Lucky for you my standards have dropped considerably since college.”
2) “Your face makes me want to drink.”
3) “I’ll pay for half the date because you are half interesting.”
4) “What are those, sideburns?”
5) “I’m VERY interested in seeing your genitals.”
Intercourse
Now we have her back at our place and things are getting hot and heavy. Copulation is on the horizon and we can’t fuck it up. It’s important to keep calm, and keep those smooth lines coming.
First, find the right setting:
1) “Yikes. Let’s go somewhere darker.”
Next, tell her she’s good at something:
2) “You kiss like your brother.”
Off with the clothes, now talk about her body:
3) “I imagined you looking a lot better naked.”
Express some concerns you might have:
4) “Your face is going to make this a lot harder.”
Answer her questions:
5) “Condoms? No. But I have some Plan B pancake mix.”
And prepare her for the pleasure that is about to rain down on her body:
6) “This won’t take but a second.”
Dieting
You now have a girlfriend (obviously) and you have to deal with girlfriend problems, like dieting. When your lady is dieting, everything is more difficult. First, it’s hard on you: you’re dating a fat chick. That’s not good. Second, when deprived of food, she’s going to be fat AND mean. Not a good combination. So as that ever-supporting boyfriend, you must choose your words wisely. For example:
1) “Did you not see they had Diet Coke?”
or
2) “No I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to have another piece of cheesecake.”
or
3) “You’re really holding your weight well today.”
Communication
As you come together as a couple, communication becomes the pillar on which your bond grows. Misunderstandings will arise, arguments will be started, and emotions will be shared. You, as the rock in the relationship and always the consummate ladies man, must always be ready with exactly what she needs to hear. The following lines aren’t only a list of things girlfriends like to hear, it’s a list of things ALL ladies like to hear:
1) “Can you shut up for a second?”
and
2) “You’re wrong.”
and
3) “No, your emotions can’t be summed up by song lyrics.”
and
4) Anything based upon or backed by logic.
And that’s how it’s done.
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This sage advice was hilarious and brightened up a morning where I must be the only one that showed up for work.
You forgot this charming little line:
“You look like a pig in heat and if you get raped by a group of “n***ers” it’ll be your fault.”
Yep, that ALWAYS wins ladies. And lawsuits.
What if she is on a diet and turns down the Plan B Pankcakes? Do they make Morning After Muscle Milk?
One of my favorite conversations with a girl I met at a bar:
Me: “MIT? Wow, that’s really impressive, you’re some sort of braniac.”
Girl: “I said FIT.”
Even top shelf liquor doesn’t make you appealing to me.
I’m considering a sex change so I can kick you in the nuts.
That’s a compliment.
I almost took this advice. What a terrible site! I could have gotten kicked in the nuts! Or worse, I may have damaged my reputation! Flipcollective….what a bunch of degenerates.
I just tried the “you’re wrong” line on my wife. She said she was going to poison my food now. Thanks a lot!
What’s great about this, is that the three lines in the first stage of the relationship can be incredibly effective. It’s all a matter of tone (and being good looking enough that she’s willing to screw you no matter what comes out of your mouth).