The “missed connections” personal ads on Craigslist are my constant reminder of how close our society is to self-annihilation.
The “missed connections” personal ads on Craigslist serve as a pick-me-up whenever I am having a “not so good” day, because I am never as miserable as the people who write them.
The “missed connections” personal ads are what my friends and I read while we wait for the pizza to arrive and satiate our munchies.
The “missed connections” personal ads on Craigslist should serve as the beginning to every police raid. There have to be hundreds of warrants floating around that part of the site.
If you don’t know what the “missed connections” ads consist of, let me enlighten you. If you are in line at the local Piggly Wiggly and notice a redhead you have no chance at, then log on to missed connections and write her an anonymous post. If you see a hot girl driving next to you on the expressway and hope to meet her again, this is where you go. Just put up a Craigslist ad proclaiming your love for the blonde in the Ford Focus on I-75. If she happens to be a maniac and checks Craigslist’s “missed connections” ads and somehow finds your ad, and is crazy enough to contact you, then “love is in the air.” Or maybe a cross-country murder spree is in the air.
I would be remiss if I did not provide some of my creepy antics prior to poking fun at the creepy antics of others. I would like to share with you ways I keep my sex life fresh. By the way, this sex life includes me and me. I am single and I needed to come up with ways to keep the masturbation from getting stale.
Random Hand (Dave Chappelle inspired):
I put on a glove or sit on my hand until it falls asleep and then wank. This makes it seem like I am not performing the wanking. Maybe a strange girl is helping.
Spur of the Moment Wank:
Every single time a telemarketer calls me to refinance my home loan I wank. It’s like random sex. Every ring of the phone could be the beginning to a magical sexual adventure… for one.
Inappropriate Wank:
I mix around some of my pornographic DVD’s and put them in cases that they don’t belong. For example MILF hunter may end up in the case for Forest Gump. Then, if I randomly grab the Tom Hanks classic a porno will magically appear and wanking will ensue. Be careful with this technique because your mother may want to spend an afternoon watching Little Miss Sunshine and instead get a peek at The Best of Kobe Tai. Not good times.
Peeping Tom Wanker:
I will turn on the porno and then wank while peering from behind my couch or from around the corner. This is the forbidden wank.
Now that I have outted my creepiest trait, let me guide you through Craig’s creepiest trait. So here we go. These are the five creepiest “missed connections” personal ads on Craigslist this week.
From Sunoco on 5 to Woodside – m4m (Northville)
I was walking in, you were walking out of the Sunoco station on 5 late Wednesday night. You were the most incredibly hot guy I have ever seen. I would love to be able to chat/connect. Im not a stalker, just overwhelmed how amazingly hot you are. If that was you, and you are at all interested, hit me back. Tell me what you were wearing and/or driving. It would be so great to be able to meet sometime. Peace
Whenever someone tells you he is not a stalker, you gotta believe him, right?
CVS Grand River & Greenfield Thursday Night Around 11pm – m4w – 47 (Detroit)
You were at CVS on Grand River & Greenfield around 11 pm Thursday night 10/29/09. I passed you in aisle, you had lotion in your hand. I was in a Uniform. I waited outside to speak to you, but chickened out! A car blew it’s horn at you because you were kinda blocking lane when you turned left on to Grand River. Reply with what type of vehicle you were in & where you were parked…
Why stop at a Craigslist ad? Why not just follow the girl home and rummage through her trash? Ah, young love…
You have pink hair, and you worked at ValueWorld tonight.. – m4w – 31 (Westland MI)
I know a ton of weirdos were shopping for costumes today at your store, but we briefly talked about my costume idea and I thought we hit it off. I was going to ask you if you wanted to come to our party this weekend but the line moved along too fast. If you recall anything about my costume or our conversation, reply to this ad and maybe we can go to that party.
How weird were the “weird shoppers” if this guy had issues with them? Why were you shopping for costumes in the summer time? Is there a Stanley Kubrick tribute in Westland, MI that I am unaware of? And what do you mean by “briefly talked about my costume idea?” Did she ask you if you found everything all right? Did she ask credit or cash? HOW BRIEF? WHAT WAS THE CONVO? I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT!
Ferndale BWW – m4w – 40 (Ferndale)
Lindsay, I have lunch there once or twice a week and usually get to sit in your section. You are always very friendly to me, which sometimes I take as being a little flirtatious. Maybe you are just a friendly woman doing your job, but I would like to get to know you better, if you are available and interested in an older guy. I am not one to make a move on someone while they are on the job, so drop me a note here, or if you think you know who I am, make a comment about older guys to me to let me know where you stand.
I’m no stalker, so you won’t hear from me again if I know there is no chance.
One more guy claiming not to be a stalker. Hmm. I like that this guy has scruples of the highest order. He won’t hit on you while you’re working, because that is uncouth, but a Craigslist ad… that is definitely on the up and up. And how does Lindsay feel about this? What is wrong with her? She is the victim in all this, fuckin Craigslist – breaking up marriages and whatnot.
Cute Guy at the Troy Public Library Today – w4m (Troy)
We were in the Troy Public Library today around the same time (about 1:30PM). You browsed the books then the movies and ended up checking out a single movie. You were so good looking and had on a Black jacket (northface maybe) and had a navy baseball cap on. We checked out around the same time; the lady at the desk was helping you set up your account. I noticed on the way out you were driving a small silver hatchback. I wish I had more courage to come up and introduce myself because I thought you were so good looking and had a great smile. I’ll be back at the library next week Monday and Thursday around the same time. Hope to see you there!
This is from a woman looking for a man. I only have one thing to add: I will be at the Library on Monday.
Tweet
Decided to look at the ones in my hometown. This guy wants to go out with a woman that works at a spa here:
“You gave me a nice massage i did not get your name but thought about you a lot last couple of days and in the locker room:) this was on monday 7/19 you had black curly hair and a very nice body if you see this email me and lets have some drinks and dinner and tell me what tattoo i have on my arm and put massage in the subject line please hope to hear from you soon.”
Thinking about you in the locker room? What does that mean? He wanks it to your memory while hanging around half naked men?
Here’s a creepy mom & daughter duo from my area looking for a Best Buy manager.
“Wow super hot, stylish, tan manager ( I think ). Me & my college age daughter where there this week, you helped us out with a couple of things, either 1 of us wouldn’t mind if you helped us out with something else! If your into cougars or/& a college girl, let me know what kinda car I was driving. And if you haven’t seen this man, it’s well worth a trip to Best Buy in Bryant, it’s not hard to figure out who I’m talking about!! Hope to hear from you! “
Uhh, to the guy with the missed connection in a costume store: How about instead of craigslist, you, uh, walk into the store and talk to her?
Subject: Flasher on 20/72W Tuesday – 50
I really enjoyed the show, just didn’t have time to stop and enjoy more. If you read this and want to meet in person, let me know. You was looking dam good playing with yourself and I would have liked to have had the time to stop and help you play
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Subject: Handsome, Hairy, and Hung – m4m
Enjoyed the meeting Monday (6/21) afternoon. If u want more of the same and to take it to the next level like we talked about then hit me back. Tell me where we were when u got off and I will know it is the correct person…….HOT, Handsome, Hairy, and HUNG!!!!
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underwear “bandit” – m4m – 23
On three seperate occasions I’ve had my underwear stolen from the rec center…a little anoying but also kinda hot…would love to meet the guy thats doing that nad maybe have some more fun…hit me up…
What’s with all of this hit me back crap? I’d like to hit them all back…with a boot in the ass.
(I felt like R. Lee Ermey when I said that)