Slump Buster, by Rosicky Jones

When my mad game with the ladies tanks and my balls grow bluer than Papa Smurf it’s time for a slump buster.  Slump busters break dudes out of slumps.  Post busting in a slump buster I can refocus my energies on ladies I like; on ladies that don’t require bag covered heads.  This column is a slump buster in a sense.  My self-loathing has reached new lows as it pertains to my writing; so I will gift you with a decent column that will serve to bust me out of my slump.  This column is a snippet of my rule book on dating – enjoy.

Rule 9

Never date a woman with a man’s name[1].  More than likely her parents wanted a son and either didn’t want to or were too lazy to change the name, hence the man name.  Due to this, the girl was brought up with an ample amount of penis envy and she could easily go Lorena Bobbitt on you.

Rule 11

Again regarding the skinny women subject; if you like skinny women never date one that used to be fat[2].  She could easily go back to being fat and more importantly she will always be a fat girl on the inside.

Rule 18

During a relationship women always get better looking or smarter or in some way, shape, or form better themselves.  At the same time they will try to make you look worse or get dumber.  So when you do break up, they will be able to move on and you are now lost, fat, and stupid.  I call this rule the Calvin Blackmore rule.  Calvin was one of the most talented soccer players in the country.  He was on the national Olympic development team.  He had a full ride scholarship to an Ivy League school.  He began dating a cute girl.  She persuaded him not to work out as much and not to study as much and to focus a majority of his time, energy, and money on her.  They broke up after three years, during which she cheated on him multiple times (with me).  She walked away from him with breast implants and a rockin’ tan.  He had gained thirty pounds, lost his scholarship, and got kicked off of the soccer team.  At the end she was better and he was worse, poor Calvin, don’t become Calvin[3].

Rule 21

Don’t spend too much money or buy expensive gifts early on in the relationship it sets bad precedent; because then they expect it.  Instead buy crappy gifts like a second-hand teddy bear, a box of half-eaten chocolates, or jewelry from a pawn shop[4].  This will lower her expectations to such a disappointing level that when you do get her a decent to good gift she will be doubly appreciative.  When you actually get her a good gift she will be so beside herself that she may offer you head.

Rule 28

Don’t fall in love with the woman that gives you the best blowjob[5] of your life.  There is a reason she is so good, and that is the reason you will never love her[6].

Rule 29

When at the bar or a club and you are looking to hook up and take a girl home remember this:  You are in the wild.  Let me clarify; treat this situation as if you were in the wild hunting for prey.  The cheetah[7] doesn’t go after big groups of gazelle and likewise you shouldn’t go after a big group of women.  Even if you have an equal number of friends this is nearly impossible to pull off.  Big groups of girls go out together to hate men; they dance in a circle to tease us and when we attempt to talk to them they laugh and curse our existence.  They will say things like “I just want to go out with my friends once and not get hit on[8].”  The cheetah goes after the weaker gazelle, the ones that are alone or in a pair.  You will search for women that are there with one friend and no more.  Usually when girls are at the bar in pairs one of them has drug her friend out so they could hook up and she needed that friend so they don’t look or feel slutty.  Once the girl hooks up her friend can leave.  You, my friend, are the reason the friend can go home, send her home; send her home.

Rule 64

Always have a deep heartwarming story at the ready for heart to heart conversations with women because they eat this crap up.  It is alright for this story, no no it is preferred that this story is completely made up.  My “money in the bank” story is that I grew up in foster care.  My father left our family when he found out that my mother was pregnant.  She tried to keep me (I implement a dramatic pause at this point, no tears, just a pause and I look away longingly for a moment, and I’m back) but she lived far below the poverty line[9] and because of that and her drug problem the state took me away.  I was on my own by the time I was fifteen and I worked my way through high school, graduated with honors, earned a college scholarship, and got my degree.  It was hard and not the kind of life I would wish upon anyone but it made me who I am, it made me appreciate the important things in life… like you.  If I hadn’t told you this story was fake you would definitely want to sleep with me right now, but anyways you get the point[10].

Rule 70

I wish that this wasn’t the case but eventually you are going to come to a crossroads when you must decide if you are going to sleep with your girlfriend while she is menstruating.  This rule only applies to wives and girlfriends of longer than six months, not sex-buddies or bar sluts because that is just nasty.  There is a 99% chance that you will suck it up because your penis is a lot more powerful than your senses.  I would like to share my experience with you:

Scene:  Sarah my girlfriend of 7 months and I were both sober and we had just returned from a weekend soccer tournament where yours truly starred in, but I digress.  It was about 11 o’clock at night and we were lying in my bed watching television.  We started to hook up and then…

Sarah:  We can’t

Me: Why?

Sarah:  This week… you know, it’s not the right week…

Me: You’re bloody

Sarah: I am menstruating

Me:  Damn… you know what I don’t care, let’s go

Sarah:  You sure?

Me:  Hell yeah

And just like that my friends, I become one of the 99%.  I am rational and very obsessive compulsive about cleanliness; but I couldn’t turn away.  So basically it’s only a matter of time until you are just like the other 99% of us, good luck.

Rule 84

After six months of dating a girl she will expect you to forget every single girl you knew before her, so in an attempt to avoid a war just agree.  Instead of compliance on her terms you comply on your terms.  Change all the girls’ names in your cell phone to easily identifiable guy names.  For example Jenny becomes Jeffrey, Michelle becomes Mitchell, Carly becomes Charlie, and Lisa becomes Liam or Lee. Liam is probably too odd a name to be believed but you get the gist.  But make sure that one girl’s name stays the same, preferable the one that your girlfriend is least threatened by, so she doesn’t get suspicious.

Rule 85

FYI; do not judge a woman’s eating habits upon your first date with her.  She will eat as little as possible and as healthy as possible without coming of anorexic, but as soon as she gets home she will stuff her face like a Somalian trapped in a bakery.  True story: My best friend took my girlfriend’s roommate out to dinner one night.  I was at the girls’ apartment when my friend dropped Amy off.  While he was parking his car she rushed into the kitchen and swallowed about 15 cold pizza rolls, because at dinner she ate a salad and had half a cup of soup.  So the point of this rule is that women are weird and you never truly know what you have until it’s too late, so beware.

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[1] If you just Googled “women with men names” and came across model James King, just remember that she was addicted to heroin and her first boyfriend died of a drug overdose… bad news!

[2] Former fatties are an anomaly.  They look good from the outside but they have never shed the chubby girl persona.  It’s like a human mouse trap; or some other trap like device.  Do people still use mouse traps?  I feel like they were really big in the 50’s and 60’s.  If I had a research assistant he would be looking this shit up right now, and grabbing me a sandwich.

[3] Calvin also loved Biggie over Tupac – he was a fucking idiot.  I am a huge Tupac fan, or is it 2Pac; whatever, I love the guy. I love Pac so much that I hate The Notorious B.I.G. since Tupac hated him. So from now on I am going to judge the worth of my new friends by asking them who their allegiance lies with: Pac or Big. If they choose Big I am going to shoot em up.

[4] Or a Chris Brown CD just to keep her on her toes

[5] This is hard for me… because I am very weak and impressionable.  I really have to strengthen my will power. Women and movies shape my life on a daily basis.  I am an extremely impressionable person. When I watched Blow I wanted to deal the coke. When I watched The Godfather I wanted to open up my own olive oil company as a front for mafia business arrangements. When I watched Munich, I wanted to be Jewish. When I played Grand Theft Auto, I wanted to run people over and rape prostitutes while carjacking guys wearing yellow sweaters. After watching Wanted I had this underlying urge to start fucking people up.  I also want to propose to every girl upon completion of blowjob – goddamn it I am so weak.

[6] Every married man that’s reading this book right now is questioning his marriage; and you should.  Greatest blowjob ever should not play the role of your wife – and if Jackie is reading this then she finally figured out why our relationship never went to the ‘next” level.

[7] In this scenario you are the cheetah; God you are dumb.

[8] Then maybe you should have worn real clothes instead of that stripper outfit.

[9] I was poor when I was younger. We were on welfare and we definitely received food from the government at our doorstep once a week. My parents kept the crates in our basement even though the inscription on the blue and orange welfare crates read “THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.” Good example, parental units. When I asked my folks why we received groceries at our door once a month they sibilantly informed me that, like Pizza Hut, our grocer delivered. Liars. The point of this short story is that if you have never had a grilled government cheese sandwich, then you, my friend, are not living. I recently came across a welfare store and bought out their cheese supply, greasy yellowy cheesy goodness, holla.

[10] If any women read this book don’t get mad when I use this story on you.

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