Ford Taurus, 2001-2010, by Mick Shaffer

We are gathered here today to celebrate the life and the strife of the Ford Taurus.  A life cut short by too few oil changes and some other stuff.

This isn’t the annihilation of the entire race of Tauri, like the Taurus genocide of 2006.  No, this is but one P.O.S. Taurus – formerly possessed by the Shaffers – for whom we are grieving.

Taurus has left us to be with her maker.  Actually, her maker was a team of bitter union workers somewhere in Dearborn, MI and chances are not all of them have died yet of Ford factory asbestos.

Thus, Taurus has left us to be with her mechanic, who will probably sell her for parts.  Strip her and gut her like a fish.  How ironic:  Pisces was a fish.  Taurus, on the other hand, a mighty bull … despite being a she.

Taurus left us in the time of Leo, August 2^nd, 2010: the hottest recorded day in the state of Missouri in the past 100 years.  Taurus always had a lot of flair for the dramatic … and very little coolant.

She took her last breath on I-435, conveniently on an exit ramp, in front of several witnesses: a hot girl in a Camry, 17 car horns, five middle fingers, and what looked like a badger on the interstate embankment.

Even though she was only 9 years old, she died at the (mile)age of 124,969 of very unnatural causes.  Among her maladies were shot brakes, broken spark plugs, bad shocks, a dead battery, a worn-out alternator, snapped timing belt, computer malfunctions, bald tires, and something called a faulty camshaft.

She was taken off life support after 13 attempts to jump-start her all failed and a suggestion to “Pump the gas when you turn the key!” also didn’t work.  Experts said she could get back running again for only $1370, but Taurus didn’t want to live like that.  Plus, she only Blue-Booked for $1450 so that would’ve been stupid.

Service – literally, service – was held at Dick Smith Ford where “If ya don’t come down today, how can I save ya any money?”

Taurus was born to a suburban beige coat of paint in 2001 and adopted by the Shaffers later that year, one of many sketchy purchases the young, married couple would make to celebrate their newfound credit together.

Early on, Ma Shaffer would drive Taurus to work to save on gas money.  However, Taurus’s advertised 28 miles per gallon was more like 19.  She was always a kidder.

Still, that was better mileage than Taurus’s sister Explorer got, so when the Shaffer’s moved very close to Ma’s work and very far away from Pa’s work, Pa started driving the Taurus.  That’s when Taurus’s health began to deteriorate.

Upon her death, Taurus was suffering from a gigantic crack that spanned the entire width of the windshield.  What started as a small speck in the glass suddenly grew one day into a fracture that – when combined with the borders of the windshield – formed the exact shape of the state of Massachusetts.

In the summer of 2008, the owners’ sons deposited 36 cents into the CD player, not only rendering the CD player inoperable, but also causing the radio to cut out every time the penny, the dime, or the quarter would shift, triggering the “I think I have a CD in me” mechanism of the CD player.

At time of death, the coins were considered the only items of value in the car.

Seven years of having at least one booster chair in the backseat of Taurus had left permanent indentions in her leather upholstery.  Each child had successfully torn off the interior padding of the rear doors.

When the car doctors opened her up, they were surprised at the number of Happy Meal toys wedged in between and under the seats.  They found forgotten CDs – long since replaced by loose change – paying homage to Candlebox, Smashing Pumpkins, Live, and Pearl Jam before Eddie turned weird.  They were shocked to discover that anything in the world could stick to the front seat console thanks to the syrupy residue that had sweated out of fountain drink cups for the better part of a decade.

For as much abuse as Taurus took on the inside, she was free of any damage on the outside, save that one time in the snow when Pa met Ma at the Verizon store to look at a new phone.  The Taurus slid and scraped the side of a shitty Chevy Cavalier.  Because there were hundreds of cars and dozens of stores in the shopping area, Pa decided to back up, park somewhere else and not tell anybody.  This was unfortunate considering the owner of the Cavalier was the Verizon employee helping Ma.  And he saw the whole thing.

Taurus’s interests included not starting at the worst possible times, being an eyesore damn near everywhere she went, and serving as a metaphor for 30-somethings who had given up on their hopes and dreams.

In a wonderful gesture of love and life, Taurus turned out to be a donor.  She will be donated to Cars for a Cure, an organization devoted to the fight against cancer.  Considering the state Taurus was in when she passed, her donation will in no way help find a cure for the disease.  If anything, she will be a hindrance to the fight.  However, at least her owners will get a complimentary iPod Shuffle and a nice tax write-off.

Taurus is survived by 2005 Explorer, Toro EasyStart lawn mower, and Power Wheels Jeep Hurricane with FM radio.  She was preceded in death by Ford Mustang, Lincoln Continental and Freddie Mercury.

In lieu of flowers, a memorial has been set up in the name of the Next Shaffer Car Down Payment Fund.

Arrangements are with Lazer Towing.