The Dinard Letters, Vol. 1: Summer 1978, by Tom Dinard

Pony Marmon, the pre-eminent historian on writer Tom Dinard (and author of the eponymous, self-published Dinard biography Pissing From The Pencil), two-time freelance contributor to Hooters magazine and three-time inmate at the Arthur Kill Correctional Facility in Staten Island, New York, has recently unearthed “groundbreaking” letters from Dinard to his parents in the summer of 1978, when Dinard, about to turn 8 years old, was sent away to a summer camp in Connecticut for eight weeks.

Marmon maintains that these letters offer hints of the lifelong depression that would lead Dinard to succumb to an overdose of nitrous oxide “whippets” in the women’s bathroom at a revival-house showing of “King Ralph” in 2031 at the age of 61.

Marmon, who rented the Long Island house next to Dinard’s boyhood home while working on a second Dinard biography with the working title, “Dinard: The Afterlife,” is in the market for a literary agent and publisher. His brief comments follow this important group of never-before-seen letters.

Without further ado, the Dinard letters:

June 30, 1978

Dear Mom,

I am feeling OK. Today we had a very exciting day. I, for instance, loved it. Our counselor’s name is Frank. And I like him. He’s nice, strict, and funny. I’ll see you in Visiting Day in four weeks.

Love,

Tom

July 3, 1978

Dear Mom and Dad,

Camp is not so well. And I’m not used to it. I want to go home Visiting Day, but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to. After camp, I’m going to stay with day camp. Today we got to go boating but I didn’t want to. I felt like reading “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing.” I don’t eat dinner in the dining hall but I eat in a small room. Today I think it’s going to rain. I’ll see you on Visiting Day.

Love,

Tom

P.S. Send me candy and I hope you have a nice day.

July 3, 1978

Dear Mom and Dad,

I don’t like camp. I want to go home Visiting Day. But I don’t think I can. Otherwise camp is alright. Today we might go swimming if it doesn’t rain. But I want it to rain because I don’t want to go swimming!!!!!!

Love,

Tom

July 4, 1978

Dear Mom,

Right now, I’m listening to Andy Gibb’s “Shadow Dancing.” I hate camp. Today it is raining. I’ll try to write ten more letters. So long.

Love,

Tom

P.S. Send me candy, gum, and money. Hope you have a nice day. Love again, Tom.

July 6, 1978

Dear Mom and Dad,

You’re allowed to come home Visiting Day. And I am. There are six kids in my bunk. You know that I want candy so send me some candy. And you said that you would send me some Ziggy cartoons. I love you and I’ll write you much more letters.

Love,

Tom

July 7, 1978

Dear Mom and Dad,

Today our bunk went to Mystic Aquarium. And today was also Frank’s day off. I got a rubber stingray for $1.00. And please send me the “Bullsheet” stationery. Also send me 30 cent stamps. I already have $5.63 saved up. I might treat the whole family to a movie with some of the money.

Love,

Tom

July 13, 1978

Dear Mom and Dad,

I went on a go-kart today. Go-karts are like mini-convertibles. Frank drove me and it was really neat. The period after that was basketball and after that swimming. I did 11 laps on a kickboard today and I swam a little. I’ll see you on Visiting Day.

Love,

Tom

July 16, 1978

Dear Mom and Dad,

I forgot to tell you that tonight we are going to see Judy Collins in concert. We are going to have hot dogs and hamburgers and we’re going to get home at about 1 o’clock. That’s about all for now. See ya later.

Love,

Tom

July 18, 1978

M & D,

Here is the list of things to bring up on V. Day,

1. Starbursts
2. Richie Rich comics
3. Pringles
4. Reese’s Pieces
5. Slim Jims
6. Bubble Yum
7. Squeeze cheese
8. Ritz crackers
9. Sourballs
10. Kool-Aid mix
11. Salami

July 31, 1978

Dear Mom and Dad,

I got this special Snoopy card just for you. By the way, I want dad to print his letters and I want Mom to send me some more cocoa and soup. Long time, no see.

Love,

Tom

P.S. My friend Danny gave me this card for a tennis ball.

August 2, 1978

Dear Mom and Dad,

When Visiting Day is over, it is very sad for me. I wish there was a second Visiting Day, because I want to go home. See ya.

Love,

Tom

August 4, 1978

Dear Mom,

I am being Dutch in our masquerade. Because I have very light blond hair, I’m going to be Dutch. Please send soap.

Love,

Tom

August 14, 1978

Dear Mom and Dad,

We won a swim meet for Color War today and I came in first for breath-holding. Don’t forget about my water gun and my tooth dollar. I’ll see you when I get home. Good luck in everything and don’t forget that I love you.

Love,

Tom

(After declaring that he’d send ten more letters, Tom Dinard sent but nine. Need we say more for a life unfulfilled, save for the body of work that still perplexes us — and continues to itch at our underarms and haunt our souls — to this very day? Perhaps we should not. Perhaps, indeed. –P.M.)

***

For more from Tom, send Pringles here …

Past work on FlipCollective.com.
To follow him on Twitter.
To befriend him on Facebook.