Twitterpated, by Mick Shaffer

mickshaffer I write 4 @paulthenshirley’s website, but spend most my time on Twitter. I make fun of it, but obviously think it’s really cool. #FAIL

The previous paragraph is a summary of the following column in Twitter-friendly verse, which is under 140 characters.  I left this particular tweet at 134 characters to allow room for retweets. #VeteranMove

You see, I go through phases.  As a kid, I dressed up as @CharlesLindbergh way too often and I’m pretty sure I had a furry fetish as evidenced by my desire to get a San Diego Chicken tattoo during my emo phase. #tightjeans #selfmutilation Currently, I believe I’m exiting a mannequin phase and entering into a sexual interest in trees phase.

But the phase that alarms me the most is the one that refuses to pass, thus making it very un-phase-like: Twitter. #Bieber I hate even admitting it, because it sounds so lame, but I’m hoping that publicly acknowledging the addiction might somehow start me on a multi-step path toward recovery.  Hell, I’m sure “Twitter-holic” is one of those made up Twitter words whose definition appears in the top right corner of your Twitter page.

Just the name Twitter is uncomfortable to say.  It belongs with words like moist, panties, surreal, fruition, and slacks. #ointment Words that sound wrong no matter what their definition is. #impetus “Twitter” makes me think of a giggling troll who sells Pixy Stix for a dollar at stoplights.  The giggles mask his sinister deportment and that powdered sugar is probably marked up tenfold.  Anyway, that’s what Twitter makes me think of. #neurosis If this social networking website was named something a little less delicately evil – like, for instance, Schmerken – I’m sure I would come to better terms with it.

Perhaps Twitter should more literally describe itself like Facebook does.  Face … book. #thenewmyspace That was my previous phase before Twitter.  Oh man, I was catching up on pictures of people’s kids all the time!  Funny, they don’t grow up so fast when you see what they look like at every weekend barbecue.  I was psyched to see who the best internet mob member was. #MafiaWars I was getting updates on all my friends’ workout schedules:

Steve Steverson finished his two-mile in a little under an hour this morning.  Kicked my butt.  But I have so much energy!

The drifting in and out of third and first person still bothers me. #grammarpolice

But now I’m almost exclusively dating Twitter, where I can read strangers’ fragmented thoughts in abbreviated text message slang.  And … that’s about it.  There are very few pictures, no songs, no cyber farms I can manage. #needapeachtree Just 140 characters or less of people popping off.  It’s like a small part of Facebook, but somehow far better than Facebook.  I doubt this concept exists in other fields:

Magazine editor: “I know Playboy has been insanely popular for half a century, but what about a magazine that only shows navels?”

And the technology that showcases this mass stream of consciousness is worthy of 1995 chat room praise.  I really believe there was a step between MS-DOS and Windows, kind of like a missing link of links. #pun And I really believe that forgotten step of computer engineering is now driving Twitter.  There are no notifications that alert you if somebody sends you a message or retweets your stellar offering. #Wambulance There is no convenient way to find someone’s page, even if you’re following them or they’re following you. #FrenchCries Plus, it took me months to discover how to respond and retweet at the same time.  Turns out, it’s a fantastically advanced move known as “copy and paste.” #industryterm

If you dare want to link an article to your post, such as @beoliu’s ode to Facebook at www.flipcollective.com, you must first visit a site called http://tinyurl.com to once again copy and paste the column’s much-too-long-for-140-characters website address into its magical URL condenser to come out with something like this: http://tinyurl.com/ylle8az

Or to give your recipients confidence, you can do a more secure something like this: http://preview.tinyurl.com/ylle8az

Even when you do figure it out, there are no guarantees you will successfully navigate to your desired Twitter destination, because much of the time Twitter is over capacity. #WorldCup Listen, I will support Japanese whaling in the Antarctic Circle if it means they’ll someday harpoon the Twitter whale. #thismightturnintoatweet That’s the image that appears whenever you can’t get on to Twitter.

Yet, I will stay at my computer, repeatedly hitting “Refresh” until Twitter whale disappears, because for some reason I need my fix of:

SusietheDropout Yo grl, u sed u wuz commin’ out lass nite. Sooo flaky! LOLz @dumbtammy Holla atcha girl! Ima hit da dance flo 2nite!

Or:

NoLifeNFLReporter Chiefs third string special teams player signs eleventy million dollar contract.

Although, I usually get on Twitter to deliver my own two cents worth of pointless one-liners. #daddyissues Of course, it matters what time of day it is.  Don’t wanna tweet in the middle of the night.  Don’t want to tweet too close to your last tweet, otherwise your material will be watered down.  @paulthenshirley believes that 4 PM is the best time to tweet. #RandomStart In fact, it was @paulthenshirley who got me on Twitter in the first place.  Our conversation went something like this:

mickshaffer I will. I will. RT @paulthenshirley: @mickshaffer You really need to get on Twitter.

So now, not only am I on Twitter, but I’m constantly thinking of things to tweet all day long.  I’ll even write tweets down so as not to forget any potential sentences of gold.  I mean, who can forget such useful tidbits like this one from August, 2010?

mickshaffer I lie to girls and I lie to dentists. And if there were ever such thing as a girl dentist, watch out.

Or this special nugget from August 2010:

mickshaffer Next week Discovery Channel tackles our biggest fear out of the water. #ShartWeek

Back to the archives to find this one from July 2010:

mickshaffer Not sure if I have a tapeworm, but if I do, his name is Greg.

Take my word for it.  These tweets are hilarious and important. #hilariousandimportant

I have a phone now that lets me tweet from it.  Used to be, I was the dickhead practicing his golf swing when you were telling me a story. #wrapitup Now, I’m the dickhead tweeting about Inception when you’re telling me a story. #Leo! But, in my defense, that was a pretty lame story and a pretty awesome movie.

I tweet in the car.  I drive a stick-shift. #innuendo That means there is probably about a 2.8% chance of me dying while doing this.  But, at least, that killer Tiger Woods joke got out into cyberspace where all 388 of my followers could see it. #totallyworthit

Yes, I know exactly how many people follow me.  It’s 388.  Course, by the time you read this, a #FollowFriday may have passed, which means that number could have shot up to 395 or something.  And of those #letsjustcallit 400 people, I personally know exactly 16 of them.

I’m bestowing these little drops of personal information to neither friends nor acquaintances.  I once sent out a TwitPic of my son’s first machine-pitch baseball game … aka “Hey, hundreds of strangers, over here!  This is what my kid looks like!  Yay!” @ChrisHansen

My only hope is that this is a phase like #spelunking once was and that it’s not a way of life like #Minesweeper obviously can be.  I’m sure the next networking site is right around the corner.  Hopefully they call it Schmercken.

In the meantime, I will continue to be made aware of Justin Bieber’s entire concert schedule #MyWorldTour and will continue to wonder why Conan O’Brien is somehow not funny on the internet. #TeamCoco I will continue to spend valuable time dreaming up brief, inappropriate thoughts that – if I’m lucky – will get retweeted by a housewife in Phoenix.  I’m currently working on one involving a rodeo clown and a mutton buster.  I have the feeling it my beat my personal record of eight retweets.

If so, that would be so surreal.  Twitter makes me moist in my slacks. #TheEnd