1. Don’t wear flip-flops or walk barefoot into public bathrooms. You see that big stain on the floor below the urinal? That’s piss.
2. Anyone who says they’re vegan is full of shit. Next time they come over to eat and they make you cook them something special, put a half-stick of butter in it and don’t tell them.
3. Never date the crazy chick. As much fun as she might be in the sack, you never know when she’ll wake up and decide to slit your throat or some other valuable part of your body.
4. Listen to as many rock bands as you like. Just know that none of them will ever be as good as the Beatles.
5. If you’re going to aspire to play a professional sport, pick baseball. They’ve got guaranteed contracts, one of the strongest unions in the country, and you probably won’t get paralyzed playing it.
6. As soon as you get into a hotel room, take the comforter off the bed and throw it in the corner. You don’t want to know what’s on there. And don’t use the glasses in the bathroom either. Those never get washed.
7. You’re never going to find fries better than the ones at McDonald’s.
8. While at McDonald’s or any other fast food joint, order your fries with no salt. That way, they’re forced to make you a fresh batch.
9. If you’re walking around a city and suddenly have to take a shit, find a hotel. The lobby restrooms are usually pretty nice, and nobody even gives a second glance to people wandering in and out of hotels. They just think they’re guests.
10. On dates with girls you think you like, don’t say much about yourself and just nod and smile and agree with everything they say. Dance with them whenever they feel like it and pretend you like it. Then you’re not only caring and attentive but sexy and mysterious. It’s the perfect combination for getting laid.
11. If anyone ever makes fun of you for being Jewish, punch him in the face as hard as you can. And if he keeps doing it, punch him again. Harder. Then you’re just like Israel.
12. The only thing you really need to know about politics is that basically everyone involved in it is a criminal.
13. If a friend or loved ones have cancer, don’t buy them Lance Armstrong’s book. They’ve already gotten at least three copies from other people (Thank you, Glenn Rockowitz).
14. The only people who really like blues music are old African-American men. The rest of the people are liars.
15. You don’t have to claim to like Wes Anderson movies. You can still be viewed as smart and cool even if think they’re pretentious and boring.
16. Wear condoms.
17. If you get caught in a riptide, swim parallel to the shore.
18. If you are driving in heavy fog, don’t use your brights.
19. If your car starts to overheat, turn on the heat. Seriously.
20. As soon as you get a driver’s license, join AAA. If you can’t afford it, call me and I’ll pay for it.
21. Don’t yell and scream and throw clubs on a golf course. You’re probably never going to be good enough at golf to act that way. And even if you are, you’ll be acting like a moron on TV.
22. Don’t let anybody tell you that Neil Young’s voice sucks. Tell them they suck.
23. If you get caught jerking off and some of your friends try to make fun of you for it, just know that they’re all going to do it, too, and by the time you’re in high school it won’t be a big deal to talk about anymore.
24. Always keep matches in the bathroom — especially if you’re having a girl over.
25. Don’t read a good book while you’re taking a shit. You might stay on the bowl too long, forget about the well-being of your asshole, and develop massive hemorrhoids.
26. Don’t grow a goatee.
27. Read John Fante and John Steinbeck and Ernest Hemingway and T.C. Boyle and Tom Wolfe and everything else in your dad’s collection. And after I check out, read some Tom Dinard.
28. Don’t get tattoos. They don’t make you different and nonconformist anymore. They’re the opposite now.
29. If you go to Australia, go to New Zealand, too.
30. If you ever become a boss, tell the people who work for you that they’ve done a good job whenever they do.
31. No matter how drunk you are and how dark it is, make sure a swimming pool has water in it before you dive in.
32. Don’t steal street signs — no matter what your fraternity brothers threaten you with.
33. Don’t root for the Red Sox.
34. When music teachers try to get you to play a clarinet or viola or trombone, tell them to give you a guitar instead.
35. When you meet somebody, shake their hand and look them in the eyes. Remember their name, too, if possible.
36. If you have children, enjoy it. It’s a big pain in the ass, but it’s great.
37. When it rains, don’t hide from it. Soak it up. Enjoy it. It’s water. It’s good.
38. If you want to write something, don’t talk about it or think about it. Sit down (or stand up) and write it.
39. If somebody tells you that you can’t do something, laugh at them. They’re fools who will wind up getting arrested for raping cats.
40. Ignore the first 39 things on this list and listen to your mother.
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Ahh this was heartfelt. I loved it. Great work Tom.
Number 8 — verrrryyy clever. And Number 39 — my favorite.
very funny and as a diehard Yankee fan,LOVED #33. Keep up the good work
damn you; i got teary eyed… this column made me wish i wasn’t sterile
Thank you for #15 and #26. And I’ve already verbally passed on #39 to my kids. Nice work.
Ha, that was pretty great. Being just 15, I can use a good amount of these.
This was really, really good, man. I’m like a robot and I was getting choked up as it went into the 20s and 30s. That’s a compliment. You better not hope your kid is rebellious. Because you literally just gave him a list of actions you would not approve of.
Speaking of which, I think more people need to be told not to get tattoos. Picture a grandma with a tramp stamp. Sounds like a bit in an Adam Sandler movie right? Well it’s fixing to be all of our realities in 50 years. Same for grandpa with his last name across his upper back and great grandma with Chinese symbols on her wrist.
I only disagree with 4, 7, and 14. Everything else is gospel.
Thanks, Scott L., but you can pare your list of complaints to one. Nos. 7. Nos. 4 and 14 contradict each other, so cancel ‘em. The Beatles were four white guys you never would have known had the blues not taken hold of their lives. And as Dinard could tell you (so why didn’t he?), rock IS blues. That’s gospel. OK, it looks as if I owe Dinard’s son two pieces of advice, so here goes: New 4. You’re not late until it’s time to be there. New 14. Giving is cool; “giving back” is marketing. Enjoyed the list, Tom, especially your 102 mph fastball: No. 15!!! Looking forward to reading the mom’s “Forty Tips” in an upcoming Dinard.
the truest one of all – #40, great job Tom
Thanks, Scott L., but you can pare your list of complaints to one. Nos. 4 and 14 contradict each other, so cancel ‘em. The Beatles were four white guys you never would have known had the blues not taken hold of their lives. And as Dinard could tell you (so why didn’t he?), rock IS blues. That’s gospel. OK, it looks as if I owe Dinard’s son two pieces of advice, so here goes: New 4. You’re not late until it’s time to be there. New 14. Giving is cool; “giving back” is marketing. Enjoyed the list, Tom, especially your 102 mph fastball: No. 15!!! Looking forward to reading the mom’s “Forty Tips” in an upcoming Dinard.