Note: Brian Oliu is the Commissioner of the University of Alabama English Department Football League, located in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Here, Oliu revisits an e-mail sent to the English Department Listserv where in order to help various faculty members and graduate students relax, the English Department started offering weekly yoga sessions in the English Department’s Conference Room. The concept of yoga lies in direct contrast to the ambitions of the UAEDFL, and therefore a rebuttal was formed in an attempt to seize control of the English Department’s extra-curricular activities.
Yogis and Yoginis,
If there’s one thing that the UAEDFL knows about, it’s energy. Austin Whitver, kick-return specialist to the stars used to be a biology major, and as a result before we express our super-high impact crazy-legged selves in artistic and athletic form, informs us yet again how the Krebs Cycle works through a series of podcasts which can be found on the iTunes University section which we conveniently listen to on our SaeHan Information Systems MPMan F10 before our sporting events in order to get us pumped up, transferring work into heat into energy and proving Missy Elliot wrong, once and for all (you cannot work it and then put your thing down flip it and reverse it–study up on your universal principle of entropy, Misdemeanor, seriously!) Originally, Luke Southworth would show us PowerPoint presentations in an attempt to explain the zeroth law of energy, but he would insist on using the ‘Habitat’ theme when everyone knows that workplace production and information retention is an issue when you use any template but ‘Oriel.’ We also experimented with Rob Dixon punching people over and over in the face and screaming ‘NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW THE TRANSFER OF ENERGY OCCURS?’ but some people just don’t learn. We told ‘em twice, geez. It also helps that Matt Dischinger has finally figured out how to control lightning.
Corresponding with our love of energy, we have managed to convince the Tuscaloosa Parks And Recreation Authority (please go to their website and nominate the UAEDFL as the Grand Marshall of the Christmas Parade; we promise we will not be drunk beforehand) to replace the water fountain with an ‘Ed Hardy Celebrity Energy Drink’ fountain, which we selected as the ‘official drink of the UAEDFL that features a sparkly kitten snowboarding on its can’ narrowly beating out milk. How many electrolytes? SO MANY ELECTROLYTES! Also, Ed Hardy Celebrity Energy Drink has a better MySpace than Milk and has more friends with gigantic breasts in their top 8, which is ironic, because, you know, milk.
Sadly, our dominance on energy is being threatened. But just as we vanquished the Acker Appliance GE Man (he is dead–we killed him. Nilo Thomas wears his hat from time to time) we will prove victorious yet again for we are not scared never scared.
I speak of course of the emergence of the yoga sessions that have begun in Morgan Hall 301 on a weekly basis. I have heard words such as ‘smoothing’, ‘tranquil,’ ‘relaxing’ and ‘child pose’ strewn about to describe these collective stretching dust-ups, and quite frankly, it makes me want to vomit, or go into convulsions, or dance, or whatever is the opposite of yoga. Yoga, you are the worst. Imagine if someone was all like ‘hey, do you want to go to TCBY?’ and you’re all like ‘yes, I would love to go to TCBY and get a delicious frozen treat with an entire candybar grinded all up in there’ and they’re like ‘oh! I meant the country’s best yoga! lol’ and then you’d be sad! Can you believe that the ‘Warrior Pose’ doesn’t even involve shaking the ropes and jumping up and down and getting bit in the face by a King Cobra from Jake the Snake Roberts? Bodies shouldn’t be subtle. They should be awesome.
This yoga stuff is an all-out attack on the UAEDFL and all that we stand for. Ahimsa? We want other teams to feel awful. Asteya? The act of taking someone’s flag; one that rightfully belongs to them, certainly, is the object of the game. Don’t even get us started on Mitahara; a quality UAEDFL performance is often followed up with ‘brunniner;’ as in a singular meal that replaces breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Our breathing is heavy. Our muscles are tensed. We do not need candles.
Come feel the anger:
SUNDAY AT 10AM
We are the Blanka to your Dhalsim,
The Commissioner
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