Note: Brian Oliu is the Commissioner of the University of Alabama English Department Football League, located in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Here, Oliu revisits an e-mail sent to the English Department Listserv upon learning that the Philosophy Department had started a softball league.
We of the UAEDFL are good. Do not misconstrue this as our ability to play football; oh no–a more appropriate description of our game playing would be ‘medium terrible’–but in the greater sense of the word our goodness is undeniable. When Socrates Johnson’s non-playable character in the turn-based RPG ‘Philosophy 2: Plato’s Republic’ says (but only after you give him the Rain Orb), ‘any one who has common sense will remember that the bewilderments of the eyes are of two kinds, and arise from two causes, either from coming out of the light or from going into the light, which is true of the mind’s eye, quite as much as of the bodily eye; and he who remembers this when he sees any one whose vision is perplexed and weak, will not be too ready to laugh; he will first ask whether that soul of man has come out of the brighter light, and is unable to see because unaccustomed to the dark, or having turned from darkness to the day is dazzled by excess of light. Do you understand?’ and then you select ‘No’ because no one really understands philosophy on the first go-round and that you should make sure to read it twice because there is going to be a QUIZ and then he says, ‘Any one who has common sense will remember that the bewilderments of the eyes are of two kinds, and arise from two causes, either from coming out of the light or from going into the light, which is true of the mind’s eye, quite as much as of the bodily eye; and he who remembers this when he sees any one whose vision is perplexed and weak, will not be too ready to laugh; he will first ask whether that soul of man has come out of the brighter light, and is unable to see because unaccustomed to the dark, or having turned from darkness to the day is dazzled by excess of light. Do you understand?’ and you choose ‘Yes’ because you need to save THE CITY (ironically by letting it murder you–there is no ‘Philosophy 3: Blood Fight’ although it has been rumored to have been released in Japan and you might be able to download it on an emulator, although the message boards say that the translation is subpar) the DAZZLE is the UAEDFL. Get it? It is also good living with us, whaa-aww.
Yes indeed, we are the Helios of this whole suntastic glorious world (and it is our bad that we let the MFA baby drive our jacked-up Ford F950 turbo truck with them big wheels and the small baby [it's just a baby! it does not know the nuances of braking and accelerating through turns and texting 'wu9t u up 2'!] crashed through the storefront window of Taco Gean [now you know the real reason why it went out of business! not because undergraduates have the palates of eastern-european children who only eat garbage...have you had buffalo phil's? its [sic] soooooo [sic] goooood!!!!! [sic]]) and they built a statue of us–it was next to the Paul Bear Bryant statue in front of the stadium but Terrance Cody made a GREAT PLAY IN THE BACKFIELD and we toppled over and they were gonna rebuild it but SOMEONE *coughoracleofdelphiandmattdischinger* was all like ‘nooooo’. So, that happened.
Nevertheless, all things that appear to be good are simply reflections of the UAEDFL. Truth? Well, that’s just Matt Mahaney catching the ball and skirting down the field like a gazelle that doesn’t lie. Beauty? Michael Marberry. Justice? The fact that if you are the last to show up, you are forced to be captain. The list continues.
However, despite being the world being UAEDFL-centric (which it is), Aristotle (twitter.com/THE_REAL_ARISTOTLE) has claims that certainly have some merit; that if one were to examine the UAEDFL simply as an ontic, one would not be overly impressed (again, our game playing is ‘medium terrible’). Therefore, if our realist quiddity is sub par, we are, as The Big Aristotle says, ‘in energeia, lolz’, which means that we are capable of error, sin, and evil, despite being the source of all that is good.
This is why in 2008, the UAEDFL established the UAEDFLPA Disciplinary Committee in an attempt to keep our dazzle dazzling and to keep our sterling reputation in tact. The Committee, headed by myself, BJ Hollars (but only when he doesn’t have a goatee) and retired UAEDFL standout Tim Croft, have done their best to uphold the standards and practices of the UAEDFL, and, therefore, all things perceived to be good in the world. This includes controversial decisions such as the lifetime ban of Nick Parker for moving to the den of sin that is Southern California, and the rehabilitation of John Wingard after his 21-month prison sentence for cat fighting. John has worked closely with former UAEDFL coach Elizabeth Wade in an attempt to have John recognize his crimes against humanity and/or felinity. He is serving a three-week ban from the UAEDFL and will be cleared to play next week if he’s not working on his novel or if he ate an ill-advised bucket of fried chicken post-whiskey.
If you see a beacon of holy light illuminating the Tuscaloosa sky near the direction of Queen City and 15th Street park this
SUNDAY AT 10AM
you will know it is us and you can feel safe knowing there is good in the world.
ἓν οἶδα ὅτι οὐδὲν οἶδα,
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