I will be the first to admit that I may have lionized Obama too quickly. He may not be the love child of Jesus, John Stamos, and a Rainbow like I had assumed. But he still has a chance to be great. There have been some definite bumps in the road, but he is still in the top three of people I would trust to navigate the terrain – the other two being Bill or Hillary Clinton. That being said, he needs help. And I am here to nominate the three biggest assets to Obama. These three will help me realize my hopes and dreams of a nation falling in complete unison with anything Rachel Maddow envisions.
I present to you the Democratic MVPs.
The LeBron – We are all witness
Hailing from our deepest and most vile nightmares, weighing in at 245 pounds – Rush “The Race Baiter” Limbaugh
The Heir Apparent – You amaze us everyday
Hailing from Mount Vernon, Washington, weighing in at a solid 200 pounds – Glenn “Recovering Drug and Alcohol Addict” Beck.
The Prodigy – Your future is so bright
Hailing from Sandpoint, Idaho, by way of the lovely town of Wasilla, Alaska, weighing in at a lithe 135 pounds, and owner of a saccharine smile, Sarah “Plain and Tall… and Confused” Palin.
America is not red or blue. The majority of Americans are a combo, they sit squarely in the vast middle. Appealing to the middle is not the challenge – the challenge is not repulsing them. Obama had a leg up on the middle majority, but it was not until Sarah Palin pulled a Willie Horton and dropped from political heaven that he secured that group’s support.
Limbaugh is Howard Stern with political clout. They are both insanely good at their jobs, but one is running the Republican Party. Howard has been just as obnoxious and crude, and at times as politically relevant. When Howard Stern fought against Michael Powell and the FCC I was in ecstasy. I loved that he fought for free speech, but when he won, he disappeared. Rush is in permanent battle mode, which is great for the Democratic Party. Rush Limbaugh’s clout is leviathan, and reeks of division and extremism.
Beck has surpassed Sean Hannity to play Robin to Rush’s Batman. He is amazing. His mood swings, his constant camera close ups, his hysterical rants, and his amazing ability to cry on cue have made his show must-see TV. His Joe McCarthy-esque shtick and routine cameos by Chuck Norris and Craig T. Nelson have galvanized the extreme right wing behind him.
Next we have the prodigious Sarah Palin. She has been the gift that keeps on giving. Her circular, confused, and unintentionally hilarious interviews sealed Obama’s victory. She is positioning herself as the tea party princess, and I love it. I want her to get a tea party television show and am begging any TV channel to give in to her demands. Ratings would be huge and so would donations to the Democratic Party. It was no accident that her arrival on the scene did more to Obama’s immediate fund raising efforts than any of his eloquent speeches did.
I need them all in my life on a continual basis. I want Glenn Beck to become the newest panelist on The View. I want Palin to not only get her own show, but take over for Kevin Eubanks on Jay Leno’s new show. I want a Sarah Palin channel that allows us to go rogue, with the rogue-iest rogue of all time. I want Jon and Kate Plus 8 to become Rush and Kate Plus Oxycontin and 8. I rooted for Limbaugh to gain ownership of the Rams so he could not only commandeer political attention, but athletic attention. Rush dealing with a league full of young black men would be worth one unbelievable story a month. These three are the most valuable Democrats – they are the key to future elections resembling the 2006 and 2008 referendums.
These three are the MVPs for three very important reasons.
They Embolden Dems
These three help Dems – a people renowned for losing focus – strengthen their resolve. They are propitious to maintaining Democratic fund-raising efforts and their efforts to hold the highest office in the land. These three serve as a constant reminder of the task at hand. They motivate, unite, and embolden Democrats to act – to do their damnedest to keep the government out of Republican control.
They Turn off Moderates
Moderates agree with some of their proclamations. I agree with some of their stances. I like smaller government and I am not on board with a world full of regulations – but the ancillary bullshit they spew repulses me. When Beck calls Obama a racist, moderates are turned off. When Limbaugh compares Obama to Hitler, moderates recoil. Everytime Sarah Palin drops a “you betcha”, 10 undecided voters register as Dems.
They Constrict Talented Republicans
This is sad for me as a lover of intelligent, respectful dialogue between two parties based on pertinent political issues. A smart debate over important issues has been replaced with hate-filled, resentful rhetoric. Rush and friends have sent talented Republicans into hiding. The biggest threat to Obama is the extremely talented and intelligent Mitt Romney, who is somewhere in Area 51 trying to reconstruct his political career. Tim Pawlenty can’t give a speech without paying attention to every little Limbaugh detail. Because we all know if a Repub faintly disagrees with Rush, he or she will be admonished until they shove their tail back between their legs and bow before the oxycontin alter.
Our political system is not pretty. Change by either party is hard to come by. Even if all their promises are empty – I still choose to aimlessly follow Democratic dreams, than live in fear of Republican nightmares. So I would like to personally thank Rush, Beck, and Palin for all their help.
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In a piece that was overall spot on, that last part about constricting talented Republicans really nailed it.