Palin/Edwards 2012, by Rosicky Jones

No one ever considered him particularly earnest.  His ambulance-chasing past, coupled with the unhealthy attention he devoted to his mane, left him vapid.  He was routinely compared to Slick Willy – which was an unwarranted comparison outside of the bedroom.  He didn’t connect with black voters like Bill.  He didn’t earn passes for his indiscretions the way Bill did.  He could not be two people to us, though with Bill it was okay.  With Bill, we did not need the convictions to match the career.  Many of us enjoyed the duality; few were surprised that his convivial spirit extended to interns.  But Edwards could, ahem, cannot pull this act off.

With his family now nonexistent, it feels a little dirty to be reconstructing his political career.  But a bastard child and a blonde homewrecker can be overcome.  For what it’s worth nearly every president overcame one or the other (or both) on his way to the white house.  So impossible is not an option – there is presidential precedent.

Sarah Palin has convictions.  Her convictions are her career.  Her convictions are to do and say whatever her speechwriter etches on her hand.  To her, conviction is synonymous with career–and not just figuratively, either.  I adore the perplexingly fathomable Palin.  She proves that anything is possible in politics.  She is the exception that not only proved the rule – but became the rule.

Palin is a whopping success and a potential president because one side has such vitriol for her that the other side must anoint her.  Dems despise Palin.  Repubs hate Dems.  So instead of just adoring the alluring Palin, they deify her.  Edwards currently elicits these emotions from both poles.  If he can enrage the left, by going right, then the right may adopt him to use as a tool against the left he used to call home, thereby making him a very powerful righty.

Edwards can help The Right win back the white house.

The Right warned us of his viscosity, yet he went past smarmy with his tryst, his affair baby, and his efforts to distance himself from said affair baby.  The Dems will probably never support him again – not out of lack of belief, but out of pride.  He made the right… well, right, and that is one indiscretion that cannot be forgiven.  So in a heel-turn reminiscent of The Hulkster, Edwards must join the NWO.

John Edwards running for political office as a Republican.

Antithetical to his convictions? Yes.

Farfetched? Yes.

But how important are convictions when they prevent career? Joe Leiberman, I’m looking at you.  And how legitimate are a politician’s convictions, anyway? Doesn’t the title “politician” negate adherence to conviction?

Step 1: Fight for custody of your new daughter.  Show the world that you want that little kid in your life.  Either that or marry the home-wrecking whore.  But I do not recommend this, because you can’t turn a ho into a housewife

Step 2: Schedule an interview with Bill O’Reilly.  Let Bill lay into you about your mistakes, your lies, your basic douchebaggery.  Make a proclamation on his show that your political leanings may have clouded your judgment.  Admit that lack of religion led you to make your mistakes.  Talk about how the lessons you learned at church during your childhood eroded over time as a Dem.  Talk about how you considered abortion as an option.  Then say that you saw the light when you held her in your arms.  You realized that your beliefs were jaded and sin-laden.  Explain to O’Reilly that you were so selfish you considered aborting a child of God.  Tell O’Reilly that abortion is just that – an act of extreme selfishness.  Tell O’Reilly that you can never make amends for your past mistakes, but that you will strive to live your life the way God intended – with virtue.  Explain to O’Reilly that you are no longer a Dem, that you cannot be associated with a party whose ideals led you to stray from the path of righteousness.  Oh yeah, make sure you cry like a bitch.

Step 3: Join Cornerstone Church.  Plead for John Hagee to save you and lead you towards righteousness.  Give a speech at the church.  Beg the nation, your family, God, your new daughter, Jesus, and Rachel Ray for forgiveness.  Attend church every Sunday. Heck, every other day of the week, too.  Perform the correct genuflections and hope that you inspire belief in your religious beliefs.

Step 4: Attend religious right and tea party rallies wrought with Repubs and high five Ann Coulter at every opportunity.

Step 5: Bring Oxycontin-filled caked to Rush Limbaugh and sit down for Q & A with the radio genius.

Step 6: Set press ablaze with secret meeting with Sarah Palin.

Step 7: Join Palin ticket as her running mate.  Palin-Edwards 2012, creating the most attractive ticket since Garfield-Arthur.

We wanted him to be Bill Clinton.  But he was not destined to be Bill. By following the Palin protocol he may be able to resuscitate his dying political career.

Sarah Palin may be the woman he was destined to become the whole time.