When you take away my thesaurus, my editor, my Hello Kitty backpack, and my girlie alcoholic beverages; I am nothing more than a bloviating idiot.  I needed to drop that disclaimer on you as I hop back on my dirty soapbox and drop some more stupid knowledge on y’all.  So without further ado here are some more of my sex rules.

Rule 4

Men and women cannot be close friends.  One of the two always wants the other but that person either doesn’t know it or won’t reciprocate the feelings[1].

Rule 6

Do not marry female softball players because you just never know.  There is always a chance that they switch teams on you and hook up with a woman manlier than you.

Even Jennie Finch[2]

Rule 7

Do date female softball players because you just never know.  There is always a chance that they switch teams on you and invite you to batting practice[3].

Rule 23

Hot girls always have one fat friend who is also annoying.  They do this because fatty makes them look and feel skinnier.  Also when they go out to eat and fatso gets a #2 and #5 both super sized with extra ranch[4] and a milkshake, and a diet Pepsi (for some reason fat people think that a diet soda will negate the lard that they are washing down, they also don’t realize that if they drink 6 diet Pepsis the diet isn’t a diet anymore; it’s just Pepsi). The skinny girl doesn’t feel so bad when she then gets a happy meal.  The fat girl also provides the skinny girl a security blanket as well as a set of scruples, which are based on the fat girl’s jealousy just as much as it is on her sincerity.  For example when the hot girl wants to do something stupid, like you; the fat friend will step in and thwart your plans.

Rule 24

In defense of the previous scenario I have a rule call the Matt Groce[5] rule.  Matt is a friend of mine who would sleep with anything that moved; he wouldn’t just jump on the grenade for me, he would take on the army.  While I would make my move with the hot girl, Matt would keep chubby busy.  You need a Matt, if you don’t have one, find one, and if you are a Matt I have two things to say to you.  Why? And thank you, from everybody, especially the fat girls.

Rule 32

If you are going to cheat on your girlfriend, something I do not condone but must be addressed, there is one tip that seems to help.  Make sure you give the girl you cheat with a fake name.  Just in case you run into the cheat while you’re with your girlfriend.  The cheat will come up to you and say “Hi fake name” and you will pretend she has you confused with someone else.  Your girlfriend will assume that the cheat is an idiot and the cheat will think you are an ass but no one will find out the truth, and by no one, I mean your girlfriend.  You will still have a significant other and you will be grateful to this book for saving your relationship.

Rule 49

If you are dating a girl who you suspect of having an eating disorder and you feel that you should do something, DON’T.  Just be happy she’s skinny.

Rule 54

Act like you are inept at things like cooking, fixing things, planning events (weddings), organizational skills, child care, basically everything she would like you to be good at; except sex that is too important.  Since she thinks you are an idiot she will do everything and not be mad at you.  You can offer to help but she will not let you due to your lack of skill, and she will never get mad at you.  This will free you of any responsibility so you can do other things with your free time, like work on your Madden dynasty.  Another key point to this is that when you actually do a good job at something she will be more pleased than normal, every time you do an adequate job, not good, just adequate, she will treat it as if you climbed Everest.  Good luck sucking.

Rule 122

If you would like to avoid arguments with your girlfriend then this is the answer to every one of her questions, every one of them.  “You are so beautiful that I would die without you and I’m sorry.”  For example:

Girl:  Do you love me?

You:  You are so beautiful that I would die without you and I’m sorry

OR

Girl: Do these jeans make me look fat?

You: You are so beautiful that I would die without you and I’m sorry

OR

Girl:  You seriously think Salma Hayek is pretty?

You: You are so beautiful that I would die without you and I’m sorry

OR

Girl: If I died tomorrow would you re-marry?

You: You are so beautiful that I would die without you and I’m sorry

OR

Girl: Why is there a girl’s phone number in your jeans?

You: You are so beautiful that I would die without you and I’m sorry

OR

Girl: What do you want for dinner?

You:  You are so beautiful that I would die without you and I’m sorry

Girl:  Aww honey. Let’s have sex!

You: Hot damn.

This answer is just a template; as long as you validate her beauty, the fact that you are sorry, and that without her you would be lost then you can never lose.  As you can see this answer is perfect for any scenario; and the best part about it is that you can use it a million times and girls will never catch on, they will be floored each and every time.

[1] Name one friend who is a girl and then ask yourself one question: would either of you sleep with the other?  The question is always yes; usually the guy will sleep with just about anyone, which eliminates that person from the friend category.

[2] Do not get fooled by the sculpted thighs or supple breasts.

[3] Metaphor!

[4] I have come up with the perfect food for chubby Southerners – deep fried ranch sticks.  I am sure that someone somewhere has developed this recipe.  If a doughnut can be used as a bun for a burger (puke) then deep fried ranch sticks are not too far off.  If they have not been created I want a piece of the potential pie – Paula Dean, get on this!

[5] It is worth noting that my buddy Matt has a severe problem with drugs and alcohol.  I would have helped him get through it, but he was so much fun drunk, and I didn’t want to be the cause of his sadness, or my boredom.

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