Once You Go Bush, You Never Go Back, by Rosicky Jones

I am back after Paul Shirley suspended me for donating to Adam Duritz’s seemingly never-ending campaign to become the “Rain King.”  I tried to get Sarah Palin to talk to Paul and have him refudiate my suspension, but she was too busy being amazed at things that most Alaskans find mundane.  While suspended I read George Bush’s new book Decision Points.  Let me break it down for you so you don’t have to waste three hours of your life.

1.   I watched Oliver Stone’s movie about George Bush; and that movie sucked almost as much as Bush’s book did.  In the movie, the sexy Elizabeth Banks plays Laura Bush.  Elizabeth Banks was the girl in The 40 Year Old Virgin who masturbated in the bathtub using the showerhead.  So, in the book, every time Laura Bush’s name came up I pictured Elizabeth Banks in the bathtub.  It made the book way more interesting.

2.  Bush begins the book explaining how he found sobriety.  I think that this book may be the worst thing to happen to sobriety since happy hours became the norm.  He gives a small glimpse into Drunk Bush’s life – and it sounded amazing. “We got louder and louder, telling the same stories over and over. At one point Don and I decided we were so cute we should take our routine from table to table. We shut the place down, paid a colossal bar tab, and went to bed,” Bush writes.  That guy sounds great – I feel like that Bush would have been Muaz’s buddy.  We could have gone streaking, he could have replaced Pinky as the human representation of everything hilariously inappropriate in my life; me and Bush would have been so close that he could rap all of Lil’ Wayne’s verses while I took Drake’s parts – damn it.  But he bitches out and goes all sober, starts some wars, begins hating black people, and creates the political foundation that Sarah Palin was born from.

3.  In the middle of the book there was a transition from Calibri font to something I can only describe as Crayon.  I guess it was the publisher’s way of proving that Bush wrote the book.

4.  I forgot that Bush, in a debate, when asked which politician influenced him most, decided to drop a Jesus Christ on us.  But he brings it up in the book, so whatever.  Religiously, I don’t really know what to believe, but that being said I don’t really like patronizing people for having strong religious convictions.  So if Christ’s political teachings influenced Bush most, who am I to argue?

5.  Bush is still all for torture and whatnot.  He says as much in the book, or in his interviews, I’m not sure anymore – when Paul suspended me I began drinking heavily and watched Sarah Palin’s Alaska, so my world was a fucking mess.  Anyway, Bush was asked about torture and his default defense was that it was legal – not ethical, but that he was allowed to do it, and as such, it was done.

Muaz, why did you pee on the carpet?

Well, you never said don’t pee on the carpet.

I am not a political historian, and I did not read Jesus’s political magnum opus, “Two Treatises on Government, Carpentry, and Torturous Loopholes.”  So I may not be the best person to opine on the torture point, but when loophole serves as defense, then maybe you should quit trying to defend it.  Too many people smarter then Bush, Jesus, and myself have presented an airtight case refuting any benefits gleaned from torture.

6.  He writes about WMDs in Iraq, “No one was more shocked or angry than I was when we didn’t find the weapons.”  Charlie Rangel should have used this book as his whole defense.  He should have walked into his ethics hearings and just started reading Bush’s book.  And then when Rep. Mike Conaway interrupted him, and asked what he was doing, Rangel should have said – “I did some dirt – but seriously, you’re going after me when nothing happened to this guy (pointing to book).”

7.  Bush’s marketing team is still incredibly skilled and in tune with the pulse of our nation.  I know this because they not only stole two elections, but in the book Karl Rove is a vampire.  He befriends other vampires, who, like him, are wrongfully hated.  Rove, Ann Coulter, Michelle Bachman, and John Boehner are all vampires who are trying to save this country.  Thanks to popular culture we know that vampires are usually doing the right thing… and in Bush’ book they also represent the Right thing – damn that savvy Bush.

8.  He gives his full support to Jeb Bush and wishes that Jeb would run for president.  I have no joke or analysis here, but let’s pretend that we had to choose between Jeb Bush and Sarah Palin for our next president – Who would you choose?  I cannot answer.  I always joke about running away to Canada or Australia, but if either one were to become my leader I would definitely move in with Pinky in Toronto.

9.  When I read Lolita I was always nervous that someone would see me reading a book about pedophilia.  I wrapped Nabokov in the cover of Steffans’ Confessions of a Video Vixen, so people wouldn’t cast inaccurate judgments about me.  I had not had literary shame like that until I grabbed Bush’s book off the Barnes and Nobles shelves.  I would have been shunned and ridiculed by all the liberal, espresso-drinking, short story-writing, scarf-wearing, Arcade Fire-loving, Mac-owning, bibliophilic assholes.  So I took Bush’s book in the bathroom and read it on the john… a lot of people thought I was jacking off in a public bathroom – but that was more acceptable that reading Bush in public.

10.  Ok, time to come clean.  I didn’t read the book at a Barnes and Noble… I skimmed it at a Borders… but I was on the john while doing it.