As Thanksgiving approaches, extended families across the country will participate in the Thanksgiving tradition of discussing what they are thankful for. As the attention proceeds clockwise around the green beans and mashed potatoes, parents will scold children for thoughtlessly blurting out material items like “The Wii!” and “Pizza!” and “Arms!” but the parents’ answers won’t be much better. They’ll rattle off the same tired list of things—‘family’ and ‘health’ and ‘peace on earth’—as they have the past 30 years. While I’m thankful for all of those things (especially arms), I’d like to spin the tradition in an alternate direction, and talk about new things I’m thankful for. New stuff, new states of mind, new revelations. And since I won’t be surrounded by my family this year, I’ll do that talking here, in front of my computer, undistracted by mounds of white meat turkey and cranberry sauce.
1.
WHAT I’M THANKFUL FOR: Cheap wine
WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT IT: Since I have the palette of 4th grader who lost his sense of smell in a rock fight, cheap red wine tastes pretty great to me. Plus, I live in California, which means what might cost upwards of $6 or even $7(!) in other states, I can pick up at Ralph’s for about $3.50. Many-a-night has been saved by a $1.79 bottle of Bay Bridge Cabernet and old episodes of The League on hulu.
2.
WHAT I’M THANKFUL FOR: Twitter
WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT IT: Twitter at least appears to be partially somewhat of a little bit of a meritocracy. While other parts of life are ruled by other types of –ocracies, Twitter gives us hope that if we are talented/smart/funny/creative enough, we will succeed. It’s this hope that drives me to inundate my followers with overworked jokes about date rape, Enrique Iglesias, and fatties. #andpoop
3.
WHAT I’M THANKFUL FOR: A boss who is smarter than I am
WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT IT: If you’ve ever had a boss, you know that bosses are sometimes morons. I can confidently say, without being the least bit boastful, that I have been a lot smarter than all of my bosses pre-2010. These are the managerial types who don’t have college degrees and send you emails that ask you if the new idea has been ‘flushed out’ yet. This year however, I have the opportunity to work for someone who is, without exaggeration, at least five times smarter than I am. It’s something to be thankful for not only because I never have to second-guess his decisions or follow directions I know aren’t the best for the company, but also because I’ve yet to get the urge to murder him.
4.
WHAT I’M THANKFUL FOR: Sluts
WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT IT: Sluts have amazing power over the world’s self-esteem. Sluts make guys feel good about themselves because they get to have sex with someone. They make themselves feel good because they are wanted by the guys. And they make other girls feel good about themselves because they aren’t sluts.
5.
WHAT I’M THANKFUL FOR: FlipCollective
WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT IT: FlipCollective’s one-year anniversary passed not long ago, and while can’t say it’s one of the top 100 most visited websites in all of the world, I do think it’s gone a long way in entertaining some readers, and challenging some writers. As someone who fits both of these characterizations, I’m thankful for being a part of the FlipCollective community, and look forward to everything it has to offer in the future.
Happy Thanksgiving, now let’s eat.
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I’ll agree with everything except #5… still waiting to be entertained.
Agree with number 4 especially. Who doesn’t like sluts?
Uh…are the sluts in that picture 18?
No there not I know who those girls are
Just FYI it would be spelled they’re. Dang pedophiles and their bad grammar.