Real Housewives Lohan Kardashian Obama, by Tom Dinard

Dear Hiring Manager Woman At Public Relations Firm Who Recently Decided To Hire Someone Other Than Me For Decent-Paying Job After I Acknowledged In My Third Interview That I Wasn’t Very Familiar With Search Engine Optimization,

So, remember I told you that if you hired me I would learn all about SEO (my initial inner reaction was, “Speedwagon?”) and have it mastered within a week, because I’m such a quick study?

I gather you didn’t believe me, kind of like Tom Brady probably didn’t believe Gisele Bundchen when she told him she was knocked up. But I do wish you would have delved deeper into the very non-Paris Hilton qualities of my resume and taken note of my close-to-twenty years of journalism (think Keith Olbermann, Jon Stewart, Rachel Maddow, Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck) experience (by the way, twenty years is three more than Justin Bieber has been alive for!) and decade working on the web (where you’ll find lots of stories about Lady Gaga, Daniel Tosh, Chelsea Handler, Bethenny Frankel and Brett Favre’s once-Green-Bay pecker).

The fact is, I know I could have excelled at that job, even better than Ryan Seacrest on American Idol, Bristol Palin on Dancing With The Stars, Heidi Klum on Project Runway or Tom Colicchio on Top Chef. I could have adapted to the “workplace culture” you bragged about – hell, I’m not weird like Jets coach Rex Ryan, what with his wife and the foot fetish videos all over YouTube. I’m not a fuckup like Amber from Teen Mom. Shit, I haven’t been arrested in at least eighteen years! I don’t even need the “healthy work-life balance” you falsely claimed your company supports. I’m a workaholic like Ty Pennington from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition or Megyn Kelly from Fox News or Stephen Colbert on Comedy Central.

When you asked me about how familiar I am with Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr and Foursquare and blogging and MySpace, I figured you’d be impressed when I tweeted my answer to your question on my iPad and texted you the link right there in our teleconference, like I was Mark Zuckerberg or some other character from “The Social Network.” But you were as dumb as Snooki and The Situation and Pauly D. from Jersey Shore, and you didn’t even notice how ahead of the game (like the Harry Potter series, written by J.K. Rowling and featuring movies starring Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson, and the Twilight series, written by Stephenie Meyer and featuring movies starring Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) I am.

Bottom line: I am humble and resilient and I’ve paid my dues to society. I’m also great at what I do. Think Michael Vick without the dog problem or the athletic ability. I’m ready to take on SEO and anything else you throw at me in the high-stress environment of corporate PR. In that way, I’m like our very President, Barack Obama, or his wife, First Lady Michelle Obama, or his children, Sasha and Malia Obama, or his dog, Bo Obama, or his chief Republican adversaries, including incoming Speaker of the House John Boehner, former Alaska governor and Tea Party spokeswoman Sarah Palin and radio and television personalities Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck.

I know there’s no chance that you’ll reconsider and offer me the position – that’s as impossible as Sandra Bullock getting back together with Jesse James, Tiger Woods reconciling with Elin Nordegren, Kim Kardashian finally marrying Reggie Bush, Jennifer Aniston having a hot scented oil ménage a trois with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Kate Gosselin having ten more kids or Perez Hilton having sex with a woman.

But I would like you to know that I am an SEO expert now — just as hip on it as Miley Cyrus, Megan Fox, the Chilean miners or any of the knuckleheads involved in the BP oil spill.

Thanks for your time.

Yours,

Glenn Beck

Jet Blue flight attendant Nancy Pelosi Leighton Meester …

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