Sex & Football, by Rosicky Jones

My brothers and I were hanging out over the holidays; poppin bottles, making it rain, peelin’ caps; you know, the normal shit three guys do in the D.  As you would expect when a group of guys get together, the topic of women came up and we began to regale one another with tales of conquests past.  On a side note, isn’t it funny that when there are no girls around guys talk louder and prouder than normal; it’s like skinny white guys rapping to Dead Prez at the top of their lungs until a black guy shows up.   We talked shit about girls based on our minimal experiences with them.  A girl may be a saint, save for one or two specific nights, or minutes depending on our stamina, but we had made our minds up about the whole of their character.

Our conversation then veered into sports, more specifically football.  How we arrived at our opinions of certain teams was not that far off how we made our minds up about certain women.  Based on a small data set we had formed opinions and predictions for the upcoming playoffs.  We had not watched every play of every game, just a couple games here and there; yet our minds were made up.

Naturally I thought I would pair a girl I slept with this past year with an NFL team that elicits a similar emotional response, and I would select winners based on the girl I would rather kick it with.  Then I realized that there were eight teams playing this week… and suffice to say, I had not bedded eight ladies last year.  So I thought why jump to sex, why not use eight ladies that I’d had relations with; made out with, maybe grabbed a boob here and there.  Then I realized that there were eight teams playing this week… and suffice to say, I had not had relations with eight ladies last year.  So I am going to pair an NFL team with a girl that I knew last year; maybe I slept with her, maybe we hugged, maybe I Googled her, hell, maybe I repulsed her – who cares.  I had this column idea and damnit, my dearth of sexual partners was not going to hinder my writing.  Oddly enough, my writing usually hinders my sex game, very few girls get wet when I tell them that I’ve read The Essential Tales and Poems of Edgar Allen Poe… and the ones that do get soppy usually resemble Mr. Poe, which is not exactly my type.

New York Jets

Indianapolis Colts

I have a female acquaintance, Kelly, who is dependable, responsible, safe, and extremely loyal.  She is not only a confidant, but she doubles as my fake fiancé.  I use her to ward off crazy women and I serve the same purpose for her – our ruse works because we repulse one another sexually.  A ruse like this cannot work if there are legit feelings, so beware trying to emulate my trick.  Kelly is the Colts; nothing special, but safe and always down to go to the mall and make fun of fat people.  The Jets on the other hand are Melony.   Mel and I made out on a couple occasions, and each time left me skeptical about her sanity and sexual prowess.  She was beautiful but the worst kisser of all time.  She was highly educated but incredibly immature.  I caught her brushing with my toothbrush one morning… grossies.  So if I had to choose between which ingénue to hang with, it would be Kelly.  There would not be any philandering but at least I’d laugh a lot and have a clean toothbrush the next morning.  Winner – Colts

Side note:  I don’t get why the Rex Ryan foot fetish thing is so shocking.  I’m surprised we didn’t find out he was involved in some emetophilia fueled cult. Rex is dating above his pay grade, and as we all know a girl hotter than you can make you do stupid, stupid shit.  So let’s refrain from painting him as a sexual deviant or an irresponsible arrogant blowhard… he is a fat guy trying to impress a hot girl.

Baltimore

Kansas City

Puma Swede and I have shared many nights together.  I rarely speak about our love, but what the hell; I’m jamming Jay Z and feeling cocky.  Puma is down to go at 7 am for a quick pre-work workout, and she shows no reservations when I wake up in the middle of the night on account of a nightmare and unpause the vid.  Puma works for me because she has one incredibly dominant characteristic… humongous defense… err… I think I ruined the last line.  The problem with Puma, like Ray Ray and the Ravens, is that I always feel a bit dirty when I’m with her, and in retrospect her pregame genuflections have grown tiresome.  Dorothy on the other hand is the furthest from dirty.  She is nice, a good kisser, and I have no idea what she looks like naked.  She is smart, knows her strengths, and doesn’t try too hard; she is disarming, which is why I would choose her, The Chiefs, over Puma any day.  Winner – Chiefs

New Orleans

Seattle

There is great little sandwich shop in Saginaw that my BFF Phil and I routinely visit.  Cute Brunette is the cute brunette that works there.  We have no idea what her name is, but she is personable, looks great in her apron, and gives us extra pickles all the time.  We did run into her once, outside of the sandwich shop, and her appeal was nonexistent.  She is only cute when she’s working and bringing me food.  New Orleans on the other hand is Betty, the older married lady I may or may not have done bad things with.  Betty is old news, she is still very attractive, but I would never yearn for her, she is meh.  Betty was hot-fire last year when I first encountered her, but now that I’ve had her, I’m over it… which is how I feel about The Saints.  This is a really tough decision, but a girl with food who is ugly away from the restaurant does not beat an attractive immoral lady… because I can always take Betty to the sandwich shop and kill two birds.  Winner – Saints

Green Bay

Philadelphia

For a brief period of time I dated a woman whose iChat handle was “Bikes4Fun,” and she is the Packers because they are known for biking during the preseason.  She is also the Packers because she had recently gone through an ugly divorce with a text-happy attention whore and was now on the upswing.  Philly on the other hand is Dani.  Dani and I hung out for about a month.  All we ever did was kiss, but she was the most entertaining girl ever.  She kissed other girls, she drank a lot, she was not smart, she had a lower back tattoo of angle wings to honor her deceased father (it made a lot of sense that she grew up without a father figure in her life).  She moved to Cali, to wait tables.  She is not a productive member of society and last I heard she was living with a pot head drug dealer named Silvio.  But I honestly want nothing but the best for her.  She is incredible and her happiness is infectious; her infections were also infectious which is why all we did was kiss, but I digress.  I would never date her, but she will always have a special place in my heart, and my Dani stories are always the most entertaining… like most Philly games.  So without a doubt, Dani beats Bikes4Fun.  Winner – Eagles

All this typing and reminiscing about relationships past has left me with an empty feeling that can only be filled by Puma; so I bid you adieu, Godspeed.

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