Lies are an important part of everyday life.
Don’t believe my thesis? Well maybe you shouldn’t, because it’s true. Everybody lies. Case in point: here are some whoppers I’ve told in the last few days:
To my roommate: “No, I didn’t clog the toilet.”
To my mother: “Yes, of course I ate a vegetable this week.”
To my girlfriend: “No, that dress does not make you look like a semen dumpster.”
And right there, that’s another lie, because I don’t even have a girlfriend.
The point is, lies aren’t weekly, they’re daily. In thinking about this phenomenon the other afternoon, I decided to come up with a happy little tweet that explored the rampantness of lying.
“I like your lower-back tattoo.” #lies
I won’t attempt to explain why this tweet was funny to me, because trying to explain a joke is never funny. (Except when it’s a really obvious, unfunny joke and you keep explaining it and it explaining it like the other person doesn’t get it and that’s the only reason he wasn’t laughing. Then it’s REALLY funny.) But I decided it might be entertaining to use the same hashtag (#) formula—a joke concept that’s been used by everyone from some really old person I’ve never heard of to Johnny Carson to Stephen Colbert—to explore the various types of lies we tell and are told on a daily basis.
Here is that exploration:
#startexploration
“I like your lower-back tattoo.” #lies
“I hate when guys buy me drinks!” #lieswomentell
“That girl is too fat. I’d never bang her.” #liesmentell
“When a secret agent learns of his wife’s extra-marital affair, he pursues her and uses his intelligence resources in a job he kept secret from her.” #truelies
“Get to the chopper!” #predator #oops
“Of course Santa is real, honey.” #littlewhitelies
“Mark McGwire.” #bigwhitelies
“Your hair is awesome!” #lieswomentelleachother
“Your dog is awesome!” #lieswomentelleachother
“Your pregnancy photos are awesome!” #lieswomentelleachother
“Your girlfriend is awesome! #liesmentelleachother
“CIA agent Roger Ferris uncovers a lead on a major terrorist leader suspected to be operating out of Jordan, but while he tries to capitalize on the intelligence he has uncovered he must also be wary of the double-dealings of his boss in America.” #bodyoflies
“Oh no, it’s the claw! Nothing can stop the claw!” #liarliar #worstlineever
“Some show I’ve never heard of but looks crappy.” #lietome
“Lie to Me.” #bonjovi #gay!
“http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTh9IuSTOY0.” #whitelies
“Jesus died, went to hell, then came back to earth and started breathing again and then died again and went to heaven. What’s the big deal?” #christianlies
“Yeah so this guy named Noah talked to God and found out there was going to be this big flood right? So he build a big-ass ark and then collected two of every animal and put them on the ark so he could preserve humanity through the flood that lasted 370 days.” #morechristianlies
“Adam and Eve lived in Missouri.” #mormonlies
“Thetans, auditing, aliens, and everything else they believe in.” #scientologylies
“I do this all the time.” #liesmentellwomen
“I’ve never done this before.” #lieswomentellmen
“A half-truth is a whole…” #lie
“Everyone loves everything I write because I’m great and cool and I have a nice haircut.” #liesitellmyself
#endexploration
You’ll notice I ended the exploration with a delusional lie—a type we all tell ourselves to get by. These are probably the most common and perhaps the most potentially harmful of all lie types. But sometimes when you’re having a hard day, month, year, or life, the only think keeping you from introducing your toaster to your bathwater is one of those nice, clean, straightforward lies.
And that’s no lie.
Wasn’t that exploration fun? Makes you want to add to the list doesn’t it? (Here’s where you go down to the comment section and add your own hashtagged lie. And try to make it as good as all the ones I created. #falseconfidencelie)
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This was funny. #liesitelltobootmattsego
MGMT’s second album is just as good as their first! #LiesPitchforkSpreads
No honey, of course that isn’t a picture of my dong on the phone of the hot chick that looks just like you 20 years ago #favrelies
I swear just the tip #sexlies
“Everything’s great.” #liestoconvinceourselveswearentgoingtohaveabreakdown
“Oh no no you can’t disguise, you can’t disguise” #littlelies
I hate to drink so much that I can’t remember #liesthathelpmebelieveiwanttoremember
I’ll pull out before I cum…
#liesmentelltowomen
In all seriousness, though – who did your editing??? Could have used a bit more of a tidy-up before being posted…
It’s your baby. #lieswomentellmen
No, those jeans don’t make you look fat. #liesmentelltogirlswithhugeasses
“I didn’t know he was married.” #lieswomentelltoseemlessslutty
“I didn’t know he was married.” #lieswomentelltoseemlessslutty
“This Flinstone vitamin will make your dick big.” #LiesJimmyJohnsonTells
I like my wife’s cooking. #tonguedontlie