This live commentary is taking place at my condo in The D. Detroit has a strange smell tonight; I think a couple blocs of Canadians are in town, because there is an overwhelming CK One aroma masking the ever-present smell of despair and agony here in Detroit.
On the pre-game show I just heard the term “lunch-bucket Democrats,” and I am really curious as to how they differ from “Joe six-packs.” Are “Joe six-packs” the alcoholic version of the “lunch bucket Dems?”
Oh yeah, tonight the Dems are going to sit next to some Repubs, since that was the reason Gabby Giffords was shot; the seating arrangement.
Is Guantanamo bay still open and if so why haven’t we turned it into a Busch Gardens? Caged terrorists and accused terrorists are so much cooler than giraffes and peacocks.
Michele Bachmann believes that our founding fathers were against slavery and that it was not really mentioned in the constitution. She also believes that Christopher Columbus actually discovered America and was not a genocidal treasure hunter. Bachman is so lucky she’s cute; otherwise I would be sooo mad at her and her silly little brain.
My live commentary has moved to the bathroom, as my pre-game Chipotle dinner’s libertarian views are in sharp opposition to my digestive tract’s strict anarchist position.
I am so glad we have not been able to transmit scent through the internet, because I would definitely do it if I could, and you would surely hate me.
If Obama just delivered his Arizona speech again, how many people would notice?
9:11
Tammy Faye Boehner (thank you Dennis Miller) presents Obama as he wipes away tears.
9:11
Obama’s hair is gray again. Is he switching back and forth between gray and less gray to fuck with us, because if he is, consider me fucked.
9:12
Boehner shakes Biden’s hand and Biden then wipes off some excess spray tan that got on him.
9:13
Biden may be sleeping.
9:14
First no-reason standing ovation of the night. I don’t get these, save them so they’re worth more… they should only be allowed 4 standing ovations per State of the Union, and once they are all used up you’re screwed, even if Obama drops some “yes we cans” or “a change we can believe in” on us.
9:17
I bet Biden loves Jersey Shore. If I had to guess, and I don’t have to, I would say he loves Snooki, and has read her book twice.
9:19
First shout out to China and India… China became the home to the world’s fastest computer… is it bad that I hear “world’s fastest computer” and imagine how much faster I could obtain illegal music, software, and porn.
9:22
Tammy Faye Boehner is allowed to smile, he knows that right, and he understands that he doesn’t have to look agitated the whole night… fuck me… I mean is Palin trying to burst out of his chest Alien-style or something, ‘cause then, and only then, would his disposition would be warranted.
9:22
Win the future… who wrote that line, Yogi Berra. Are you trying to make Tammy Faye Boehner cry on account of laughter?
9:23
Obama mentions Facebook… and of course I had to change my Facbook status to “Obama mentions Facebook… and of course I had to change my Facebook status to Obama mentions Facebook.”
9:24
Why is he shit talking Russia… they can hear us. Putin is shirtless in a river catching salmon with his bare hands while ordering Medvedev to ready the troops for an orderly demonstration of their army’s marching ability.
9:26
Biden is really good at angry birds.
9:27
“Instead of subsidizing yesterday’s energy, let’s fund tomorrow’s energy” ~ Obama
He just set a date, 2015, for us to be weaned off (or close to) the oil company teet… too bad we impeached Nixon, because he also set a time table for us to go green, which would have been in the mid-70s according to his plan.
9:29
Celebrate the science fair… for shame Obama. I won a couple science fairs in my day, and I would trade every fuckin egg-parachute-drop and Rube Goldberg for the wool an NFLer pulls
In a related story; Bill Belichick has begun videotaping science fairs.
9:30
Oops, Biden just clapped, unprovoked and all alone – a clapping test run, if you will.
9:32
Obama wants to take another look at No Child Left Behind; forgetting that Teddy Kennedy came up with it… or maybe we all forget that Teddy was inexorably linked to the bill. Is Obama banking on history slipping the minds of Americans? If so, good call.
9:34
Yippee, Obama’s making college more affordable… a year after I dropped 40K on grad school… osfdjsdjfosdf, I just threw up a little in my mouth, mmm, tastes like Chipotle.
9:36
Do you hear that, huh, do you McCain, we are going to fix illegal immigration and I swear to both the Real Republican God and the Gay Democrat God if you try and stop us I will plant on you the hottest, most passionate open-mouthed kiss the world has ever witnessed.
9:39
Biden’s foot just fell asleep and he is fidgeting to wake it up. I am dead serious. Rewind the tape and tell me I’m lying.
9:45
Oh shit, here comes health care… and there goes the color from Tammy Faye Boehner. Obama says he will work with the Repubs to streamline the healthcare bill and fix what needs fixing. The gauntlet has been dropped, and I can’t wait until the Dems ignore the gauntlet and go back to hiding from their own shadows.
9:48
Not many claps for the spending freeze. And on cue, Obama mentions freeze and the ice queen Bachman appears on screen. I have to be honest, for the first six months of the Michele Bachmann and Michelle Malkin era, I thought they were the same person, and now I am really mad that there are actually two people that think that way.
I also wish there was a website that allowed me to watch specific people in the audience, because I would watch Bachman, John Kerry, McCain, and Al Sharpton the whole damn night – tell me you wouldn’t be hooked to the Sharpton-reaction-cam.
9:52
I bet if he really wanted to, Mark Zuckerberg could win the 2012 presidency.
9:52
Obama mentioned steel mills and a medical malpractice lawsuits tonight… is someone giving a thickly veiled shout-out to one Jonathon Q. Edwards. Ummm, Edwards loved steel mills and he made mad coin from malpractice lawsuits, do you people not remember anything past last week, jeez!
9:54
Obama’s salmon joke was funny, Boehner… you can laugh at a salmon joke! I’ll be honest; I am getting really annoyed with Tammy Faye Boehner and his sun-kissed scowls.
9:56
McCain stands for Obama’s promise to veto any earmark laden bill. I think he believes that DADT is an earmark.
9:59
Who the fuck stayed seated for the “American-Muslims are part of our family” line? Be cool y’all, American-Muslims have TVs and they speak English, kinda. Plus, Obama ain’t breaking new ground; Bushy gave good Muslims mad shout-outs in his State of the Unions speeches.
10:04
Boehner did not clap for Sudan or Tunisia and Al Sharpton’s head just blew up.
10:06
Obama confirms that some in the military are gay… and since the DADT repeal has not been universally initiated yet he has just unknowingly caused widespread unrest in certain pockets of our military. McCain was right, how are we supposed to defend ourselves with openly gay service men and women…HOW!
10:09
Biden hates Scranton; it’s the most hardscrabble town in America.
10:10
Of course Tammy Faye Boehner grew up in a bar.
10:12
Here it comes; Obama is tugging at the heart strings. Keep it going baby, Boehner is ready to go.
10:13
Damn it, it’s over, that was rather abrupt.
I guess compared to the nihilistic right-wing, Paul Ryan-led stance, the Obama speech looks… looks ok.
The speech was a pretty hollow dream sequence. It was full of platitudes and insinuations of either inconsistency or empty promises. If he invests in teachers and winning the future, then how will his spending freeze pay for them, and if he doesn’t invest then what the fuck did he say that shit for. For his call against football and for science fairs, he sure sounded like a high school football coach trying to rally a group of fan-boys for a two-hour scrimmage, but not a country full of people looking for something, anything to indicate a shift in the status-quo.
Strategically the tone of the speech and the safe rhetoric delivered may not have been a bad idea. In light of the Tucson speech, Barack has watched his approval rating rise and I think he is trying to hold on to that. The longer he can extend Arizona-Obama’s reign, the more undecided (idiot) voters he can tuck away in his back pocket for 2012. That is basically what his speech was, a tool to appeal to moderates, instead of a tool to enact change. And that in a nutshell is our political system, self-preservation continually trumping a change for the masses.
Tweet
There may not be a more true sentence than the last sentence of this write-up.