I attended the CPAC convention a near fortnight ago. If you don’t know what the CPAC is, let me clarify, it’s where Repubs go to circle jerk to memories of Ronald Reagan. I’m just kidding, that was a low blow, Repubs don’t jerk it in public, they go the Craigslist route or they un-closet (de-closet ?) their homosexuality with some interns.
But in all seriousness this year’s CPAC was divine. My boy Mitt Romney went HAM and I got a glimpse of my current fantasy girl, Michele Bachmanninov. Attending CPAC has changed me; I am now incredibly racist, I can’t help it, Rick Santorum’s hate speech is really convincing. But racism aside, I do have some even better news from CPAC – I made a friend, one Glennnfrey Paralepsis Bick Back Beck, or as he is commonly known – Glenn Beck. We started off kind of rough; he threw a 3-dollar-bill at me and commended the job I did cleaning up his room. Questioning the authenticity of his 3-dollar-bill struck a chord with Glenn; he realized I couldn’t have been a Hispanic house keeper, great tan aside, because according to him, they never catch on to his 3-dollar-bill tip trick. We headed to the bar to grab a couple Jesse Helms, those are cocktails, kind of like Arnold Palmers, but instead of ice tea, there is whiskey, and instead of lemonade, there is a dash of liberal baby blood. Oh, and instead of the small little umbrellas in drinks they are garnished with tiny confederate flags and the ice cubes shaped like the Amistad – it was really bigoted, but the drink prices were so great that I looked past the hatred.
Beck and I really tied one on, and I summoned the courage to ask if I could draw on his black board, he had it carried behind him like the train of a wedding gown all weekend by Sean Hannity. He told me I could draw on the board if I let him write my column this week, and I obliged. It would give me a chance to take a week off instead of wasting your time with some trite satirical column that fails to endear me to anyone.
So as I continue drawing penises on Beck’s board, I present the voice of conservative America, Glennnnnnnnnnnnn Beck.
Dear America,
It is time. We are experiencing the initial stages of the end of days. Hear me once but listen to me twice, because we could be doomed in one Michigan militia minute. I knew this day would come, ever since God, yeah that God, the one with the capital “G,” came to me following my final Friday night smackle. My smackle used to be my life, all that I lived for, it started with some Skoal, washed down with a meth and Natural Light Beer cocktail, and some dumpster diving in the back of a Ponderosa. But on that final Friday I heard God himself as I woke up with the remnants of a 9-dollar filet lodged in my mouth.
“Get out of my trash can; go find your own… way”
“You can do so much more for your country”
“Are you going to eat the rest of that steak my son?”
“Don’t fret, keep your chins”
“Make sure to listen to B-93, oldies in the morning, for a chance at Dwight Yoakum tickets”
Once I sobered up I realized that it wasn’t actually God, but it was the golden-voiced homeless man, Ted Williams. But I thought it was God when it happened, and that is really all that matters, so in my reality, God spoke to me, so I could speak to you.
The stars are beginning to align, and we need to hunker down in our underground bomb shelters with our six-month supplies of Spam and corndogs. I tried to warn you about our immigrant issues, with the influx of Hispanics stealing our jobs and our jokes; I’m looking at you Carlos Mencia. But you ignored me. You didn’t listen when I told you that MSNBC is an extension of the Muslim Brotherhood and Keith Olbermann’s actual last name was Al-berman, and his first name was “qaeda,” like al qaeda, but apparently the connection between Qaeda Al-bermann and Keith Olbermann was too convoluted for you to see. Fine, I told myself that the ideologues and caliphates and oligarchs and other SAT words would show themselves.
Boom – Egypt happens and Barack Hussein Obama supports the peaceful demonstrators.
This is getting serious folks, you may have to stand for this, no sit back down you look silly attending up at your computer desks.
Hosni was our friend. Lebanon just democratically elected the Harvard educated Najib Mikati as Prime Minister; and while they did it the “right” way, they picked the wrong guy – Hezbollah supports him. I bring this up because democratic elections don’t matter, Arabs always fuck them up. We need to make sure we have our guys in, and Hosni was on our side; but again Barack sided with his birth-certificate-less roots.
Following Egypt’s fall, there is talk that Glee is performing a cover of Walk like an Egyptian. More gay socialistic indoctrination.
Next we have the Wisconsin demonstrations. Wisconsin, known for two things, cheese and the Packers – the Packers are quintessentially socialistic and cheese tastes great on a pita. Socialism and pitas! How can I make this any clearer for you?
Then at the Grammys, Lady Gaga comes out in a “vessel.” You may be wondering, “Hey Glenn what does that have to do with anything?” Well, I’ll fucking tell ‘ya. Think about it, “vessel,” what is a vessel, it is another word for ship, and where do ships go… in the water that God created with his intelligent design, and where will some of that water flow? Hmmmmm? If you said the Suez Canal then you are right; it flows into the canal that we just lost control of. And Lady Gaga is the current homosexual president. And Madison, Wisconsin, the home of the union uprising, is the 81st largest city in America, and 8 minus 1 is 7, and 7 times 3 is twenty-fuckin-one, and then add 2 to that and we have 23, which is the age of Lady Gaga. The age of Lady Gaga! It is all coming together people.
But here is the most alarming and disturbing part of the current state of the world and our country. We have Egypt, Wisconsin, and Lady Gaga. Muslims, socialism, and gays. Muslims, socialism, gays. What do these three words have in common? Well they all make me throw up a little in my mouth, but they also all have the letter ‘S’ prominently featured in each word. But Glenn, what is the significance of the letter ‘S’ you ask. Well I’ll tell you. If you take three successive Ss, which is what we basically have in the three aforementioned words above, it looks like this, ‘sss’, now add a 0, for end times, and it looks like this, sss0, or the Peano representation of the number 3. The number 3; remember when I did something above with the number 3. The number 3 and the letter S, inexorably linked, and you know why? Because “S” is the same letter that starts the word “Soros” which is the third, like 3, and last name of one George Peter Soros.
So in conclusion, George Soros. George Soros, George Soros, George Soros, George Soros, George Soros, George Soros, George Soros, George Soros.
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