Phil is one of my besties – but that does not save him from my wrath. He hasn’t confirmed his Bonaroo plans yet, which upsets me, because I’m supposed to go down there with him. He has also been using “Tiger Blood” and “Winning” way too much lately. And the kicker… he hadn’t watched the double rainbow video until this past Friday; so his ambivolence must be punished.
He has an on again, off again GF who he fights with on the daily. He didn’t tell her that he went luging with me and two lovely young ladies a couple weeks ago. And now I am going to out him.
Plus this will help me find out if he’s actually reading my column… I don’t care if he reads me, but he says he does.
So let’s take a trip through Phil’s thoughts as his tenous web of girlfriend lies and Charlie Sheen adulation collapses.
So you’re sure that I won’t get hurt… and that Steph won’t find out that we’re here with two girls.
Why am I more afraid of 5’5 blonde than I am of this luge hill?
Winning! Duh.
Hey, why do I have on a different colored helmet? It’s because we didn’t have a picture of you going down this part of the hill… jeez Phil, shut up?
If Two and a half Men hired Danny DeVito to replace Charlie Sheen would they change the name to Two Half Men? I don’t know Phil… you should be focused on the hill, so you don’t biff.
Two and a Half Men should hire Snoop Dogg to replace Sheen, and not change the names or plot lines at all, and wait until the audience notices. Damn it Phil, they can’t do that, America will embrace a show fronted by a drug addict lothario as long as he’s white… but a black male lead; come on now, America would hate that show.
Two and a Half Men should hire Brian Atene (please google that name if you’re lost). Phil, I’m afraid you’re Sheen fascination is leading you into peril.
What would Charlie Sheen do… what would Charlie Sheen do… oh fuck… TIGER BLOOD SAVE ME!
Don’t tense up Phil, and you’ll be fine.
I wish Rosicky would stop calling me gay because I think Halle Berry is ugly. She looks like an uglier version of Prince. My arms really hurts… damn it, it’s my right arm, and how am I supposed to tend to myself now that I am going to lose my booty call and the benefits of my right hand. I knew I should have listened to Rosicky and trained with both hands just in case.
I hope they think that my pants are wet from the snow and not because I peed a little bit.
Fuck, my arm hurts really badly. Happy Place, Happy Place… ahhh, Disney World. I wonder what Disney World would do if there was a mouse infestation… oh, who am I kidding, I’ve never ever been to Disney World… I just say that to impress people.
Yes, I am cry-laughing, and not at this column, but at my fractured bone. I hit the wall at 30 mph. Please help me cover this up Rosicky, thanks… I’ll just tell Steph that I hurt my arm because I punched you in the face when you threatened to write a column about me.
(A huge thank you to the photog of this epic fail, err, epic Phil and to our luge hostess.)
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