Everybody else may be an asshole, but I’m not…by what right would you call me and ask me to work for nothing?
Harlan Ellison
Being the impoverished writer that I am, I spend a fair amount of time on Craigslist. I don’t ever expect to find anything that fits my career choice or particular brand of picky; mostly my perusal is born of sheer boredom and empty pockets.
Some days, I think, ‘today is the day someone will want to buy the unpublished novel of a twenty-something year-old who is more or less incapable of maintaining a “real” job. In my dream world, the posting will come complete with a book advance and an apartment in New York. A girl can dream.
But most days, I find tragic monotony. As I scroll through the Jobs column, it becomes clear that nearly everyone in the world wants an unpaid intern. At this point in my life, I am unwilling to be what everyone in the world wants. I’ve done that whole rigmarole. Right out of college, I was an intern-albeit a paid one, but the road was bleak and narrow.
The promises are similar: “first hand experience” and “an intense program working closely with the CEO.” Please. I learned close to nothing, save for some fancy industry speak, and what it means to get screwed by an employer who thinks intern translates as freelancer. My bad. Had I known I could have worked from home, or made my own hours, I sure would have. But thanks for that 1099!
So, let’s get real Craigslist posters. You, for all intents and purposes, have reintroduced the concept of the apprenticeship into our modern way of life. But there is one significant hitch: in the old days, when the years of free labor were complete, the apprentice in question had an actual skill. And a job. Today’s interns answer phones, pick up dry cleaning and grab coffee, all under the guise of “experience.” I answer my cell phone, and sometimes I even use the conference feature. I get a latte in the morning and I occasionally go to the post office. Does that mean I have enough experience for a real job? You know… the kind where I get paid?
Sure, some internships do provide hands-on experience. It’s just that it’s rare that anyone climbs the corporate ladder with such an inauspicious start. New interns replace old interns. What’s the old saying? Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?
But still I look. I don’t usually open the internship positions. I reserve those clicks for days when my self-loathing is set on “high.” But most everything else is as equally demeaning, and I am usually filled with either rage or laughter.
Here are two “assistant” type positions I’ve found of late:
“Hollywood Hills/Downtown LA based internet marketer seeks extremely motivated and highly dedicated personal assistant to manage his busy schedule and related business i.e. Marketing company, Movie Studio, Film Equipment Rental, Production Company, etc. He is currently in various stages of more projects than 5 people could dream of handling. In addition his own companies he consults for 10 – 12 other companies per month (and still taking on more clients). This is a very demanding job and not for every one. You must be willing to drive, take phones while he is meeting with clients and must be able to work a 10hr day minimum for at least 5 days per week. The base pay is $8.00 – $10.00 per hour 5+ days week with potential for a few bonuses. Earning potential can be very high for those who can persevere. If for any reason this pay structure makes you uncomfortable please move on to the next listing and PLEASE keep your opinions about what should be paid (during a recession) to yourself! Your “flame” emails just get laughed at and added to our SPAM HARD! List…”
Well. Let’s see. First of all, you might want to employ a proofreader. I don’t know what, “In addition his own companies” means. Apparently your self-congratulatory laundry list made you overlook simple sentence construction. I’m happy point this out for you (see what I did there? We both forgot a “to”).
Second, although I am overjoyed at the prospect of working 10 hours a day for a raging egomaniac for 8 bucks an hour, (I don’t really feel like giving you the benefit of the doubt), I would think that someone who is in “various stages of more projects than 5 people could dream of handling” would be making enough money to not be such a miserly penny-pincher. Be as big an ass as you please, but at least pay accordingly. Also, the American workday is 8 hours, not 10. Not paying your employees overtime is illegal, in addition to being really, really dickish. Even in a recession. I think it would be less demeaning to just ask for an intern. Oh and cool “flame” email threat.
Next. Here is a posting from our friends in New York.
“On call part-time personal assistant to DJ.
Assistant needed for DJ / record label owner on an as-needed basis, averaging 10-15 hours / week. Responsibilities include: errands, helping him organize his home environment, driving him places he needs to go, light computer / graphics support. Because client travels frequently for work, assistant needs to have a flexible schedule that permits him / her to be available when needed, typically 11am – 7pm on the days when the client is in town. On occasion, earlier hours may be required for airport runs, or 7pm – 9pm sessions.
Requirements include BA/BS from competitive US college or equivalent; some facility with MAC computers and graphics programs; excellent driving skills (having a car is ideal but not required); flexible schedule which allows assistant to be available when needed; and a highly organized, proactive sensibility.
Cover, resume, photo.”
I am less annoyed with this dude, mainly because he is willing to pay $25/hour, but really? You need an assistant who graduated from a “competitive US college?” What does that even mean? NYU: good. Rich kids go there and can probably afford to take this job. SUNY: bad. Kids there need financial aid. They probably have to work 40 hours a week!
Which brings me to my next point. You really want someone to essentially be on call for 10-15 hours a week? Doctors are on call. Maybe you should look into hiring one of them.
I’ll be sure to send you my latest headshot.
The frustrating thing is that I’m sure both of these posters received plenty of applications from people browbeaten by the economy and willing to work for peanuts and gravely reduced hours. People are at a loss. They need money. I know. I need money, I need to pay my health insurance – it’s why I poke around Craigslist in the first place.
So, against my better judgment, I keep looking, clicking links I shouldn’t, and slamming my laptop in frustrated ire.
Everyone wants something for nothing, or very little. They want you to write for free, work for free, build your portfolio and gain exposure. Then they drop the bomb- the dirtiest word in LA- publicity.
And we keep going round, little cogs in the free machine.
But who knows, one day I might find just what I am looking for. Maybe I’ll grow wealthy enough to employ an intern of my own. I’ll definitely provide hands-on experience.
Tweet
The only benefit to being an assistant to a DJ would be getting the first go at all the ecstasy and blow.