Code Red on the Blue Line, by Matt Shirley

Picture Santa Claus, dressed like Colonel Sanders.  Picture him sitting on a Rascal powerchair on a busy subway train.  Picture a basket on the front of the chair, filled with all sorts of odds and ends and white plastic bags hanging on each of the handlebars, which he grips firmly like he’s about to rev the machine over some wicked sand dunes.

At the next stop, a man enters.  A tiny man, with brown skin and a receding hairline.  All of the seats being taken, the man stands in front of Santa, between Santa’s Rascal and the door.  The man holds on tight as the train lurches forward.

“Don’t stand there.”

The little brown man turns toward Santa, obviously not hearing what he has said, or at the very least, not expecting Santa to say this.  “What?” the man asks.

“Don’t stand there!  If this thing breaks loose, it’ll take your legs off!”

The little man is visibly shaken at Santa’s yelling.  He takes on a bit of a yelling tone himself, his Middle Eastern accent coming through as he responds.  “Thank you for your concern, but I will stand wherever I please!”

Santa is not impressed.

“Don’t take that tone with me.  I’ll have the cops over here in no time!” Santa bellows from his chair.

The little man rolls his eyes.  Then sees that Santa’s serious about his threat.  “Go ahead!  Call the cops!”

Santa reaches to a walkie-talkie at his hip.  He clicks the button and speaks into the device very quietly, his words not heard over the din of the train, then returns it to his hip.  There the walkie-talkie remains silent, not even a crackle coming from its tiny speaker.

At the next stop, more commuters board.  The little man makes way for the newcomers, moving to the aisle.  He grabs hold again, and the train proceeds.

Santa reaches to his hip again, pleased that the man has vacated the leg-breaking zone.

“19-44.  Cancel that code red.”

He returns the walkie-talkie to his hip, again without a crackle.

The train comes to a stop in front of the Staples Center.  The little brown man pushes his way to the front and when the doors open, he jumps off the train.  Before leaving though, he turns and gestures to Santa.

“Fuck you motherfucker! You’re going to call the cops because I was standing in front of you?  Fuck you!”

Then just before the doors snap close, he shows Santa his middle finger, waving it wildly for all to see.

At the next stop, a tall, white man with a backpack on his back stands from his front row seat and grins. He has just witnessed a disabled man who looks like Kris Kringle call the fake cops from a fake walkie-talkie on a tiny Middle Eastern man just for standing in front of him.   This is so Los Angeles, he thinks, I’m definitely going to have to write about this.

*****

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