I remember watching LeBron James a couple of years ago and wondering how in the world he could be stopped. He was like a created player on NBA Live. Since my original LeBron hypothesis, he has been incredible, but has been stopped, mostly by Delonte “The MILF Hunter” West, but stopped nonetheless.
Now I have the same feelings about Derrick Rose. And imagine how much better he’ll be once his goatee hits puberty. He is really fast, has mad hops, and his mom thinks Delonte West is ugly – he seems unstoppable.
Who the liberal media is telling me will win: Bulls
Who I hope will win: Bulls
How Michael Jordan feels about this: He is rooting for The Pacers; because he is getting really pissed his name and his Bulls teams are being mentioned in this same sentence with this current team.
Joakim Noah makes me…: Giddy! Nobody ever mentions his biceps; the guy has gotten jacked since Billy Donovan was cutting his checks. He loves Bob Marley, has more veins than Madonna’s hands, is 92% fast twitch muscle and 8% Blueberry Yum Yum Marijuana, and his mom is a model, meaning she will keep Delonte away from Mama Rose further shielding him from LeBron-esque pitfalls.
This is the most boring round one matchup – I think we can all agree on that. The Spurs are the group of old guys who show up to run and only shoot set shots and run pick and rolls and take charges at the Y, but manage to win like, four games in a row. I appreciate them, but they are boring – they are the baseball of the NBA.
I don’t see why the Griz didn’t hire Brent Barry as a 12th man. He could give them 1 to 2 minutes a half – which would spook the Spurs since he could snap at any minute and beat the shit out of Tony LeParker. Would the Spurs even help Tony Parker? Don’t you think that they all had convos with their wives that started off like: “So you never did anything with Tony?”
How many wives did Tony hit on before Miss Barry took the bait, err, took le bait?
Who the liberal media is telling me will win: The Spurs
Who I hope will win: The Grizz
How Eva Longoria feels about this: She is over this series once she failed to woo Marc Gasol. She is actually pretty upset with the tepid start to the Tampa Bay Rays season, since the Evan Longoria-Eva Longoria confusion was extending her 15 minutes of fame a bit.
Jason Williams makes me…: Sad. His rookie year was ridiculously exciting. I miss the “Good Ole Boys” commercial with him and Randy Moss. I miss the way white basketball players, in pick-up games around the country, began trying crazy ass passes and ruining countless fast-breaks because of J-Will. Sad because I was one of those idiots trying behind-the-back passes and elbow passes so much so that people stopped picking me to be on their teams.
Guys find Brad Pitt more attractive than girls do. Even right-wing Repub men would go gay for Brad – his power is uncanny. There are a handful of men that can gay up nearly any straight man they want – Pitt, Tom Brady, Cristiano Ronaldo, David Beckham, and a few other ones.
Hold on, I have to go take a hetero cold shower.
The Hornets remind me of Brad Pitt in Fight Club. They played well in game 1 and gave everyone some hope that they could pull an upset. Chris Paul had a transcendent game and he will seduce a bunch of people like me into thinking they could upset the champs. But by game 6 they will prove to be figments of our imaginations, like Tyler Durden, and we will be left with the unstable Ed Norton, err, Kobe Bryant.
Who the liberal media is telling me will win: Kobe
Who I hope will win: Kobe… I want Dirk to beat him.
How Magic Johnson feels about this: “Who has 2 thumbs and beats HIV… this guy!” How can this guy be anything but perpetually exultant; I buy rounds of shots when I make it a day without using my asthma inhaler – this guy beat the “Hi 5.”
Derek Fisher makes me…: Believe he has promised to donate his hip to Phil Jackson as long as he keeps getting playing time.
How did the Sixers finish ahead of the Pacers?
The Heat look really good, no? I am clearly rooting my face off for D-Wade and friends this round. I’m pretty sure I’m rooting for Miami to take this year’s title. The number of experts and sportswriters who would try and rationalize a Heat win would delight me to no end. I don’t care that these folks get shit wrong – I don’t care about the predictions. I care about how they get their predications. There are certain writers/analysts whose thought processes make logical sense to me. I do care when these people become vitriolic in their analysis and begin to twist anything into a negative story to support their biases.
If Miami does meet Boston in Round 2, will any network have the balls to give us a Delonte-LeBron Cam? Or better yet a Mama LeBron Cam?
Who the liberal media is telling me will win: Miami
Who I hope will win: Miami
How Mama LeBron feels about this: She is rooting for Boston so hard. She has been working out and is getting her hair done to stick it to Delonte. She is going to wear her tightest LeBron jersey and her hookerest boots just to show Delonte what he’s missing now that he’s banging Ray Allen’s mommy.
Doug Collins makes me…: Feel like I accidentally NetFlixed a James Woods movie. I read an interview with James Woods and found out two things. I found out that I will literally read anything I find in a bathroom stall. And, I found out that he lives in a hotel… and not a shit hotel, he lives in Hollywood hotels. He spends nearly 300K a year to live in a hotel. That is fuckin’ retarded to me and makes me hate Doug Collins because of their dopplegangery.
Those in support of the Kendrick Perkins trade use the fact that the Celts beat the Heat without Perk’s help. But they forget that they also beat the Heat without Jeff Green’s help – and this perceived difficulty with small forwards is an assumed difficulty not an actual difficulty.
Word on the street was that the Celts needed to prepare for an offseason where they would not be able to resign Perk, and instead of letting him leave for nothing, they would recoup something now. There are a few major issues I have with Long Range Danny Ainge.
1- The CBA is expiring this offseason. So, they may institute a best-friend clause where teams can offer max contracts to their best player’s best-friend. This would allow them to sign Rondo’s BFF Perkins to a max deal.
2- Perkins is better than Nenad and Jefferson Green. I was literally afraid to watch the Celt’s post-defense with Perk, I would text or tweet or twext (tweet on of my friend’s funny text without his knowledge). Now I text, tweet, and twext while maintaining eye contact with the Celt’s post D.
3- So let’s say they lose Perk in the off season and the CBA doesn’t change. Then maybe they could just sign a Jeff Green-esque player to carry them into the post-Perk era. So who are some of the prospective free agents:
a. Nenad Free Agent Types: Jason Collins, Leon Powe, Jeff Foster, Jarron Collins, Aaron Gray, Louis Amundson, or Nenad Fuckin’ Krstic
b. Jefferson Green Free Agent Types: Anthony Parker, Jamario Moon, Tayshaun Prince, Adam Morrison (I believe in Adam!), Chuck Hayes, Matt Barnes, Kelenna Azubuike, or Jefferson Fuckin’ Green
4- Why not try and keep the current players happy. They loved Perk, couldn’t they have kept him around to keep the team focused and in good spirits as they try and win another title. Rondo has cried himself to sleep every night since Perk left – why would Ainge be so mean to his best player? Why?
Who the liberal media is telling me will win: Boston
Who I hope will win: New York
How Spike Lee feels about this: Thank God the Knicks are relevant again – otherwise no one under 30 years of age would know who the fuck Spike Lee is or was. You know there’s gonna be a studio exec sitting at home watching the Knicks game while cheating on his wife with a sultry Asian hooker who will see Spike on the air and think – “Man, I should throw some money at a Spike Lee joint… I forgot all about him… and I loved Do the Right Thing… damn girl, watch your teeth, if I wanted a mouthy bitch I woulda called my wife.”
Chauncey Billups makes me…: Mad. Being in Detroit during the most recent Pistons renaissance gave me the opp to learn some really cool shit about my local team’s carnal needs. I met a girl, who happened to have friends, and these friends happened to have boobs that made me listen to their mouths and these mouths happened to brag about bedding one Chauncey Billups. I don’t really care if the claims of these whores were true; in fact let’s assume they were lying to impress me. That means that Chauncey was such a dream fuck for them that they were willing to brag about a counterfeit fuck. I can barely get actual ass and Chauncey had bitches lying about toasting him… maddening, no?
I don’t know much about Larry Bird… so I feel fairly confident in proclaiming Dirk the greatest white basketball player of all time.
Just kidding, chill out Sully, go back to hating black people.
There are a few things I am sure of in this life.
One is that Perez Hilton’s farts smell like condoms.
And
Two – history will misremember Dirk because he never won a title.
I have a bit of sport-sympathy (I separate sports sympathy from actual sympathy) for Dirk. He lost Nash, he has to pretend to like Cuban, and he lost one of the most fucked up finals of all time. I wish he had peaced out of Dallas last year and kidnapped Nash and taken his talents to NYC along with Amare.
Everyone bitches about Lebron teaming up with his pals to take the so called “easy way” out of title-less town… but we completely marginalize the title-less. So I am all for athletes Pulling a Payton (Gary Payton snagging a ring with the Heat during the 23rd hour of his career) and I hope Dirk is German enough to be an asshole to Dallas someday and chase a title.
Who the liberal media is telling me will win: Portland
Who I hope will win: The Mavs
How Jamal Mashburn and Jimmy Jackson feel about this: How the fuck is Jason Kidd still playing? It was nearly 20 years ago that J-Kidd banged out Toni Braxton and ruined a potentially talented Mavs team.
LaMarcus Alridge makes me…: Disappointed that Kevin Love got an All-Star nod over him. Where the fuck was Al Sharpton at, did he quit recklessly tossing around the race card? Cause this was right up his alley.
The Strokes’ new album is meh. I like the principal single, Under Cover of Darkness, as it reminds me of my youth and my original dalliance with The Strokes, and I really love it because I was jamming it when I manipulated an officer out of arresting me for drunk driving a couple of weeks ago. The rest of the album is a hodgepodge of sounds… which makes sense since everyone in the band got to write a song. Albert Hammond Jr. writes good songs for Albert Hammond Jr. but it falls a bit flat when Casablancas hops on the mic. I realize I may be in the minority; I want The Strokes to sound like The Strokes… and not to deviate too much from the sentimental sound I remember.
The Strokes new album reminds me of The Magic. Dwight Howard is Under Cover of Darkness, and the rest of the team is an alright hodgepodge of players. The thing about Under Cover of Darkness is that it is good enough, along with some other decent songs, to make me happy I ganked the album from Mediafire.
Who the liberal media is telling me will win: Orlando
Who I hope will win: Orlando
How Mitch Kupchak feels about this: He’s in a dark room watching Howard drop a 46-19 with a hard-on as he plays mix and match with a 2012 Laker’s lineup featuring superman.
Kid Rock makes me…: Angry. I was at the Jim Beam distillery last week. The tour guide, who I would end up bedding, thanks to Jim Beam’s glorious spirits, began the tour by breaking my Michigan heart. She asked us where we were from and my buddy and I said Detroit and then this family said Nashville, and we told them how much we loved Nashville. I told them that we were heading to Nashville to get further away from shitty ass Detroit. The tour guide then said – “but Kid Rock is from Detroit.” And I said – “My point exactly – Detroit sucks!” And not only was she offended but the whole tour group turned on me. Kid Rock is loved in Kentucky and is basically one of Michigan’s Senators. Kid Rock! I don’t get it… damn it. I want to be known for the gangs and drug use and the economic collapse inherent to Detroit – not for Kid Rock.
J.R. Smith should be better than he is. He had the dunk of the year… he can shoot better than Jimmer Fredette… he can dunk better than Jimmer… he is cockier than Cristiano Ronaldo… he does cool shit like punch his chest really hard when he does cool shit… and he has the balls or the stupidity to take any shot he wants no matter the stakes – seriously why isn’t he better than he is?
OKC is so well run that they have been sleeping in hyperbaric chambers since February in case they played Denver.
James Harden looks like he has the coolest clothes on the team.
Chris Anderson scared the crap out of my fake fiancé the other day. So much so that she actually grabbed a book off my shelf and began reading – and she hates reading as much as Chris Anderson doesn’t hate meth.
I still wish OKC had drafted Steph Curry over Harden.
I want the Heat to pry Ricky Rubio away from the T-Wolves.
I think you can tell that I have no real thoughts on this matchup.
Who the liberal media is telling me will win: OKC
Who I hope will win: OKC
How Tim Tebow feels about this: Blessed?
Shakira makes me…: Really horny. She is on TV right now, so there is a lot of blood rushing to my extremities – actually to one extremity. This means I have to bid you adieu and go a do something horrible to myself.
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