(Noted Tom Dinard biographer Pony Marmon here for the first time shares with the literary world the remnants of the torn page from Dinard’s journal purchased — for eighteen cents and a sip of YooHoo! — from a Long Beach, Calif., transient holding a “The Best Nation in the World is DO-nation” sign mere hours after Dinard, who once privately proclaimed himself “Gay for Scientology,” boarded the cruise ship Freewinds to embark on his pivotal Operating Thetan Level VIII training, only to unknowingly have the journal fall from his backpack onto the dock as he strode up the gangplank. –P.M.)
There’s a good chance this ship will hit an iceberg or a sandbar or a festering barge of New York City garbage and end up with a gaping wound in its starboard stern or hull or winged keel or whatever the fuck they call different parts of boats.
Granted, I don’t have a stereo system crammed into my suitcase, and it’s not likely that a patch of sand with a few palm trees is going to feature a boombox or anything for me to listen to, but everybody makes these stupid lists, so why can’t I? Here are the four compact discs I would love to have with me if I end up shipwrecked and stranded.
1. Audiobook of “Boatbuilding: A Complete Handbook of Wooden Boat Construction,” by Howard I. Chappelle
As the expert “A Customer” wrote on Amazon.com, “A classic in every sense of the word. … There is much insight to be gained, and the illustrations and plans included are priceless bits of our marine heritage. Worth a read, even if you don’t plan on building a boat yourself.”
Oh, I do. Believe me, I do.
2. Audiobook of “SAS Survival Handbook: How to Survive in the Wild, in Any Climate, on Land or at Sea,” by John “Lofty” Wiseman
Wiseman served in the British Special Air Service (SAS) for twenty-six years. Dinard is not planning on being trapped on this island for more than twenty-six fucking hours. I can argue about “Kid A” vs. “OK Computer” or “London Calling” vs. “Never Mind the Bollocks” later when I’m on the mainland of a civilized continent. Thanks.
3. Audiobook of “Going Rogue: An American Life,” by Sarah Palin
Being stuck on a desert island is a lonely existence, and everything gets boring and depressing in a hurry. You need something to make you laugh, and this diamond mine of nuanced comedy bits will help brighten even the darkest and most water-logged tropical nights.
4. Audiobook of “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far,” by Bristol Palin
Sometimes comedy isn’t enough. Sometimes you need porn, too.
***
Tom’s pumping bilge here …
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