Welcome! I bet you’ve been wondering about the animals that have spent their money visiting you for all those years. Well, we’ve got ‘em. Now, mind you, we don’t have a huge collection — hopefully that will come in time — but we do feature what we feel is a nice cross-section of the mammal population for you to observe in what we believe is an excellent artificial manifestation of their everyday habitat. What a kick!
Our first exhibit is Steve the stoner guy. Notice how he doesn’t notice you because he’s fixated on that there television. When we first got him he weighed less than two hundred pounds — pretty thin for a mammal that grows to well over six feet in height. But since then, his diet of Cheetos, sugary sodas, Hot Pockets (pepperoni is his favorite, and yes, that’s a teeny-tiny microwave oven in the corner) and Skittles and lack of exercise has him well over three hundred. We are sad to report that mating has been a problem. His only partner so far has been the glass bong by the sofa. We’ll see what happens over the course of the winter.
Now it’s time to head over the enclosure we like to call, “Passive-Aggressive Women,” although that might seem a bit redundant, right? I kid, I kid. But seriously, here’s Debbie. She’s a thirty-eight-year-old housewife from Scottsdale, Arizona. We got her on loan from Honeywell, where she used to work. Check out how she looks up from her iPad just in time to roll her eyes at Mike, her husband, because he hasn’t yet asked her if she’s feeling OK after she told him four hours ago that she had a stomach ache!
Debbie’s neighbor is Ashley. She’s from Long Island. Check in at about five-thirty on weekday evenings, when she greets her husband, Sam, by scolding him for not picking up baby wipes at Costco on the way home — even though she never told him to get them in the first place! Why? Because she shouldn’t fucking have to tell that good-for-nothing son of a bitch, that’s why!
Over in the bamboo hut, we have Tad the Republican and Emilio the Democrat. The zoological society had some concerns about our little experiment in co-habitation, commenting that placing two mammals that are normally opposed to one another in the wild in such tight quarters under the scrutiny of so many onlookers could result in savagery or constant combat. That would get messy. But lo and behold, they’ve been there since November of 2008 and, well, they’re practically the same! Sure, they might pretend that they’re fighting, but all they’re doing is entertaining the viewing — and paying — public! What could possibly be wrong with that?
Now follow me and take a look at the brand-new water feature in Tony the tattooed and pierced guys’ cage. Also note how the wide round studs in his ears stretch his earlobes all the way out to look like some sort of skin outline. It’s fabulous, isn’t it? Not only does it allow him to feel like he’s different from all the other animals in here, but it also makes him feel like he’s just like them. Strange how that works. But I have to say, we’re big fans of the illegible Olde English writing all over his neck and the half-dragon, half-girlfriend drawing in six different colors on his upper arm. All of that stuff ages super, super well. At his request, along with his meals we’ll often perform at least one or two more piercings a week. Come by tomorrow at 11:30 for feeding time. You might just see us pierce his pecker for the first time!
Well, that about does it for me today, folks. We sure do appreciate you coming here and helping out our little zoo. Please make sure to leave a donation on the way out and come by and see our rare and exotic humans again!
***
Tom is so tired. So very tired …
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