Interview With A Human Being, by Tom Dinard

If someone handed you a perfect life that you felt passionate about pursuing, but you had to leave your wife, how would you break it to her? What would you say?

Being the wimp that I am, I would mope around for a few days/weeks in a bad, self-absorbed mood and hope that my wife would do the “What is bothering you?” thing. At first I would deny anything being wrong and get her to be persistent enough to demand an explanation of my erratic, depressed behavior. When I became ready to give in, I would explain the situation. I would then tell her that I’m sorry and that I am aware that this is a completely selfish decision, once again apologizing for the weak, pathetic person I am. I would tell her that my mind is made up and that’s it. I’d empathize with her hurt and shocked feelings, explaining that I feel them, too. Then I would let her know that she’s lucky this happened now and that she should forget about me and get on with her life, once again apologizing for wasting her life on the dream that it would be spent with me. I’d let her know that she can hate me if she wants and that I think we should cut off all ties because it would be too hard on both of us. If I could, I would try to have my cake and eat it, too, for as long as I could before the inevitable divorce. Lying to my wife and trying to get her to leave me. I don’t want to do the breakup. I’d like to get her to do it for me.

Do you feel you revolve around the world or the world revolves around you?

I revolve around the world. My life in the big picture is meaningless. I do nothing for society. I am a parasite sucking off the hard work of our forefathers. I was blessed being born a white male in upper-middle class suburban New York, U.S.A. I have wasted the opportunity to get an education (a real one) and apply myself to make the world a better place for anyone other than my immediate friends, and that is only with laughter and amusement. I tried for a few years to give back to society when I was a teacher. But I learned that the pay for self-sacrificing people sucks. I struggle with my meaning to this earth on occasion, but I suppose I just want to live life on my terms without anyone’s interference.

Would you rather be a spy, an astronaut, or a brain surgeon and why?

I don’t like any of these choices. All of those jobs require too much of a commitment and too much time spent working. A spy is stupid. You live life without being able to open up to anyone about your life, and you’ll probably die young. Astronauts also have a life-threatening job and get drug-tested. They also have to be in prime physical shape and deal with a lot of discomfort in space. I’m a couch guy. A brain surgeon? I should have your head examined by one for asking this stupid question. Years of school, cutting into a head with a saw, all the responsibility, not being able to make a mistake … BULLSHIT. The job sucks and I refuse to choose one of these pathetic occupations.

What is the cruelest thing you have ever done?

This is an unfair question. There have been so many people hurt. But moving in with Sue, saying that I wanted to be with her forever (which I did believe, for a few days), turning her life upside-down, making her go against her family and friends who all warned her that this was wrong, making her believe in me, and then tearing her dreams apart … that was cruel. The way I did it was cruel — withdrawn from the relationship, pretty much doing all the shit I stated in the first question. Cheating on her while we lived together. Not giving her sex because I believed that I had contracted a sexually transmitted disease in Mardi Gras, and not telling her the truth, making her think it was her. That was cruel. I gave her the life she always wanted and six months later turned her into a vegetable, scarred forever. That was the cruelest and to this day I’m not sorry. As a matter of fact, I enjoy thinking of her pain sometimes and thinking about how I could have made it worse for her. Hey, you wanted the truth, it’s how I feel, and telling you is a sign that I care about you and respect you.

What is the kindest thing you have ever done?

I used to give my wife’s sister money by sneaking it into her pocketbook or a jacket pocket because she was a poor college kid. I knew she would never take my money, and I remember how great it would feel to find your money in your pockets that you didn’t know you had. There are other things I’ve done. The giving of my time to people by listening, teaching, helping and lending money. I guess I bring up my wife’s sister because she was so greatly affected by my gestures that at my wedding, in her speech, she revealed to everyone those acts of kindness and was choked up when she talked about it. I could feel her gratitude and it evoked emotions in me.

When is it OK to take advantage of someone?

Any time you can. I like to hit people when they are down. I want to drive them into breakdown. I do believe that many people need to hit rock bottom before they can right the ship. I want to make these people hit rock bottom. One, because I like to make people feel miserable about themselves, and two, maybe they will be shocked enough to decide it’s time to make some changes and get their lives back on track. There’s nothing quite like hitting someone when they are vulnerable and defenseless.

Describe a perfect day with your wife.

A hike in the park with our picnic basket filled with a blanket, wine and food. Enjoy nature, get away from other people and the sounds of the urban/suburban world. Talk, listen, say nothing, relax, close our eyes and take in how lucky we are to be alive on this planet, to be in love, and how little everything else matters. With no one around, I’d like to have sex on our blanket in the outdoors on a field surrounded by trees, really feel her, and create impulses in my body that I want her to feel through my touch.

Describe life in New York City.

Full of energy. You can do a new thing in the city every day of our life and never have to repeat it. It’s lawless (in a good way). Anything goes except murder and if it’s a bum, murder goes, too. I love the mischief factor. Break stuff, embarrass strangers, say weird stuff and make people feel uncomfortable. You can dress or act in any way you want and you’ll not be judged because there are thousands of people that are more freaky than you wandering around. I like to walk around sometimes and get lost in the anonymity. I like to look at different people and think about how much better my life is than theirs. I get off on the fact that while walking around a thousand people, I am, without a doubt, a cut above all of them, that for all my shortcomings and questions about my own meaning, I would never trade places with any of these mindless drones. I walk on air in that city, feeling unstoppable, feeling power.

If you found a bag of money, what is the first thing you would do?

I’d hide it from everyone and research how to launder it so that I could eventually spend it without anyone ever knowing I had found it. When I spent it, it would be in such a way that no one in my life would ever suspect a thing.

Can something that appears to be bad end up being good?

When I was in college, a fraternity brother and I stole money from the jackets of some sorority girls at a party. But it turned out that we were able to raise enough money to help out some minorities that really needed extra cash. Cruz and Velasquez worked part-time and were on financial aid. They needed the money more than some girl who got whatever she wanted from Daddy. It also taught those girls a lesson about the value of money — that you don’t just leave it lying around. What we did could have very well saved a girl from getting taken advantage of in a variety of ways. It taught them that life isn’t always fair. Maybe they learned how to deal with adversity.

What are you afraid of?

I’m afraid of failure. I have many great accomplishments in my life. I have done things that people told me I could never do.  I became a teacher with no experience or education credits in college. I was a good teacher. I became a college baseball coach without ever playing college baseball and we won two championships in my two years. I got back into sales to make money when every recruiter said that no one would look at me because of my scattered background. I now make more money than ever working for a company with a tremendous reputation in the field. I made and am marketing a CD when people thought I was crazy and never could do it. I have a way of telling people what I want to do and doing it. But I’m scared that one day I will fail, that I won’t be able to back up what I have said. I am scared that in some respects, the most important thing that I learned from my father (work hard and you can make it happen) won’t be enough one day and I will fall on my face in front of everyone that I care about.

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Tom thanks D.P. for his honesty …

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