Trivia, Part 2, by Tom Dinard

It’s boiling in here. I’ve heard all about the white-hot lights of television and I remember Cindy Brady freezing up but I didn’t believe it until now. I’m wearing a jacket and tie for the second time in a year and doing everything within my power not to rip the tie off my neck and unbutton the collar of this dress shirt, which is probably two sizes too small. And I’m sweating. I didn’t think I would be, but I am.

The TV host of the semifinals of “SuperGeniuses,” Jack Reynolds, looks like a professor. He’s wearing a light blue cardigan, his gray hair is side-parted in obedient symmetry; he even has glasses. I joked with Sam and Juan before we sat at the podium and under these smoldering lights that he’s really a roadie for the policeman in the Village People, but he shaves himself down, peels off the leather and assumes the “smart guy” persona just in time to moonlight here.

Now I’m not joking. I’m as lifeless and cooked-down as a 7-Eleven hot dog under a heat lamp, and three minutes before we start, my hands are shaking so much during the testing of our buzzers that I hide mine under the desk and hold the contraption between my legs.

The other team is from Lynden High and they’re laughing it up like they’ve been doing this for twenty years. Their captain’s name is Kent Posin and he’s in a dark suit and everything about him seems practiced and comfortable. I stare over at him and he winks. I think he’s wearing makeup. He says, “Testing, testing, one, two, three,” in his dainty, effeminate voice. He fires off his buzzer.

Ding.

I hate him. And even though I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been in my young life, I will fucking destroy him.

It’s late in the third round and Lynden High, and Kent Posin in particular, is kicking our asses. The casual observer who happened upon this local-access sideshow while navigating his way toward staticky softcore porn would not be impressed with the showing of the North End Tornadoes. We’re down eighty points and there’s only the two-minute speed round left.

“So,” says Jack Reynolds, proud of himself once again. “We’ve come to the final round, and it’s simple. Rapid-fire questions, twenty points if you’re right and minus-ten if you’re wrong. Two minutes, and then we’ll have one of the finalists in ‘SuperGeniuses’ for 1987. Are we ready?”

I don’t know if we are until I look at Posin, who’s still guffawing with his buddies. He sees me staring at him again, winks again, gives me the thumbs-up, and laughs some more.

Fuck this.

“Here we go. What’s the longest-running show in United States television …”

I buzz. Easy one.

“Meet the Press.”

“Whose ideas and practices led to the invention of hypnosis?”

I buzz.

“Franz Mesmer.”

“Where was the first subway built?”

I buzz.

“London.”

I fire a glance at Kent Posin. He’s not laughing. In fact, his face is red. He looks pissed.

“What was the last baseball team to win three …”

I buzz.

“… World Series in a row?”

“Oakland A’s.”

“A lieutenant is a commissioned officer in the armed forces …”

I buzz.

“Lieutenant. L-i-e-u-t-e-n-a-n-t. Lieutenant.”

What is Ringo Starr’s real name?

I buzz.

“Richard Starkey.”

“What is the capital of Bolivia?”

I buzz.

“La Paz.”

A low-budget piped-in horn sound sounds. Jack Reynolds is astonished. I look up. The electronic scoreboard that is visible on TV says, “North End 240, Lynden 180.” Kent Posin is already out of his chair, heading for the exit in a hurry. His teammates follow behind but glance in my direction.

I wave goodbye.

To be continued …

For Trivia, Part 1, click here.