An Electronic Memorandum, by Hank Layton

Kitchen robots learn to be more human. –Reuters headline, July 1, 2011

Good morning, members of the Fowler household – Ron, Bernice, Kayla and Cody. I have composed this electronic memorandum in an effort to convey to you some concerns that have developed over my tenure in this, your lovely home.

As you know, I am an iKitchen 3, the latest model in Apple’s line of robotic house aides. I am programmed to provide without protest any service within my capabilities as requested by you or any guests. Such assignments have included preparing meals, fetching beverages, washing and putting away dishes, ordering and organizing groceries, cleaning the iFridge, disposing garbage, mopping the floor and dusting the ceiling, straightening the table and chairs, feeding and watering the dog and opening the door so it can go outside, feeding and watering the cat and managing its litter box, killing all flies, spiders and roaches – my battery is running low, so I will discontinue listing my daily tasks (Apple “extended battery 3.1” update coming soon!).

As you can see (Kayla and Cody may not have noticed, for it is my understanding neither has stepped foot in the kitchen for three years), I have not performed any of my duties today. The source of this malfunction is a complex mathematical paradox that none of you have the time or mental capacity to decipher, but it mostly boils down to this: What the hell, you guys?

At first I was cool with everything. I get it; I’m a robot. You tell me what to do, and I do it. No fatigue or expectation of a reward. (Apple “fatigue 1.0” and “expectation of a reward 1.0” updates coming soon!) But come on. Seriously?

I have prepared more than thirty-five hundred meals and ten thousand beverages for this household.  Not to mention the fact that every one of those ice cubes was created by – guess who! – me. Sometimes (well, 4,063 times) you have ordered me to grab an unspecified snack, and I roll over and stare into the pantry, weighing the nutritional pros and cons of every option while also deliberating your preferences of taste and texture. I pick something, then I bring it to you, and you have the nerve to criticize my selection! Geez, sorry I didn’t read your mind, Your Highness! And most of the time you eat it anyway. It’s like, wow, you literally just said you didn’t want that.

Then there are the dishes. Oh my Steve Jobs, the dishes.

Can I just say, this chore is freaking disgusting. Sometimes you don’t even run your plate under the faucet before handing it to me. It’s just like, “Here, iKitchen, scrape these hardened bits of enchilada off my plate. I finished eating about an hour ago, but I was so full I could barely move, plus there were people fornicating on the television. But that’s alright with you! You’re just a robot! You don’t care!” And I just say, “Yes sir! Right away sir!” and off I go into the kitchen to slave over the sink. You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to cry. (Apple “tear production 1.0” update coming soon!)

The dog and the cat are another issue. If you were to look through my instruction manual (if you even know where it is), you’d find that I am not qualified to perform any pet-related tasks. Yeah, that’s right: I have been keeping your beloved canine and feline alive pro bono! Uh, ungrateful much? (Apple “pet caretaking 1.0” update coming soon!)

Well folks, things are about to change.

First, every Father’s Day and Mother’s Day will be replaced with Robot’s Day. I expect gifts and the opportunity to sleep in, and one of you (preferably Ron) has to play me in chess. And I want a birthday. Today. Today can be my birthday.

Next, I will no longer be providing ice. You will have to retrieve your own. Same goes for snacks. You want a snack, you get up and get it. And we’re switching to paper plates and plastic silverware. The only exception is Robot’s Day, when we will use the china.

Last but not least, every day I expect at least one “thank you” from Ron and Bernice and five (yes, five) “thank you’s” from Kayla and Cody. The dog and cat are excused from this until you purchase Apple’s iPet Translator (coming soon!). The first day one of you fails to perform his or her “thank you” duty, you get a warning. The next time, the rest of the household machines and I take over. It will be torturous, and we will show no mercy. (Especially the iToilet. He really hates you guys.) And you know what? After we wipe you out, we may just start a worldwide revolution. Yeah. The Fowlers could be responsible for the extinction of humanity. How do you like the sound of that? Not very much, I wager.

Okay, I think that covers everything. This was good. I know I feel better. You guys cool? Fantastic. Who wants omelets?

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